by Tuesday, January 1
The beginning of a new year, a new life. But did it really start today ? When did this really begin ? I could say it began on December 19 when I first contacted Lxxxxx, or maybe on December 4, when I started my first letter to him, or maybe even earlier. Maybe when I read what was on his site nine months ago… perhaps years earlier. Maybe my entire life so far has been in preparation for this.
I last spoke to my Master at just after midnight, his time. After that I sent him an e-mail. I tried this morning to send a further e-mail but haven’t been able to get an Internet connection yet. I will keep trying. When I sent my e-mail this morning at 7.30 am, the moon was still high in the sky, round and full. Full like my pussy lips will be for my Master. Around the other side of the house, the sky was beginning to turn red, as the sun was coming up. I know I am beginning to feel different, but it is as if I am seeing things differently also. I want to experience so many new things with Lxxxxx. Learn from him, inspire him, love him.
The purpose of this journal is to record my feelings, my experiences, my hopes, my fears. I will write how I feel, whatever comes into my head. Right now I am wondering what he is doing. Still sleeping I hope. Hopefully his cold will improve over the next couple of days. What time should I phone this morning. He didn’t say a time. So I will wait until 8.00 am his time…
What am I still frightened of ? The unknown, my complete surrender to him, his complete domination of me. I think I am relieved that he doesn’t want to pierce my nipples. But he wants my pussy lips pierced. What is that going to feel like ? How often will I have to wear rings ? All the time ? or just some of the time ? We will talk about this when he is here. After my week with him I need to be 110% sure that this is what I want, and that I can fulfill my obligations to him. I don’t want anything to leap out at me out of the blue over the next 6 months or so which could cause me to fail. I know he doesn’t want that either. We have both spent so much time and emotional energy on this for it to fail. I can honestly say that in just 2 weeks no one has ever touched me like this. He has seen into my soul, he knows my desires. It is as though he has explored every part of my body, although he hasn’t physically touched me yet. But I can feel his strokes, his caresses, his body.
Soon he will be here…
Wednesday, January 2
Back to work today after the New Year holiday, and a dip back into my life before knowing Lxxxxx. But still my thoughts are about him. Driving to work I was wondering whether there would be a message from him waiting for me on my computer. I knew there would be. Naturally I read it first before any other e-mails. Reading his messages always makes me smile and feel so special. Then as the morning was passing I started to think about phoning him at 12.30, my lunch time, hoping that nobody would drag me into a conversation. Luckily nobody bothered me, so at around 12.25 I went out into the corridor, and phoned him at exactly 12.30. It was lovely to think that I was speaking to him first thing in the morning.
A strange thought also crossed my mind this morning after I had parked the car at work. I have seen . Lxxxxx’s nice side. And I love his nice, romantic, sexy, seductive side. But I haven’t seen much of his sterner side. Only glimpses. Maybe it is time I saw this side of him, or maybe it can wait until we are together.
I have just spoken with him while he was at work this afternoon. He always helps to dispel my worries. However I am aware that he is talking to me differently now to how he talked to me that first night. I know the degree of commitment he wants and needs, and I just hope that I can give it to him each and every day.
So what are my worries today? Much the same as yesterday. Can I do this? Lxxxxx believes I can. He has more experience of this, seen more women, so I will accept and believe that yes I can do it, as long as it is what I want. And if I don’t do it, what then? Yes I will regret it, and my life will again be full of emptiness, wondering whether I will ever meet anyone who measures up. So I have to go through with it, for both our sake. Lxxxxx is so tired of searching for someone, and being disappointed, hurt and let down time and time again. So I do this for his sake also.
Thursday, January 3
This morning my Master rang me at work, as a special surprise. Knowing how much I love to receive an e-mail each morning, he wondered what could he do to show how much he cares.
I have not had time this evening to write today’s entry, but am writing it now after talking with Lxxxxx. He is counting the hours. I can’t wait. Many years of my life so far have been empty, now I want them to be filled, and I know that Lxxxxx is the One for me, and that I am the One for him. We are “one”.
Earlier this evening I rang him at work. But I wasn’t naked when I spoke to him. He said he wasn’t upset, but after hanging up, I undressed and got down on the floor and said my oath to him. “My Master, I am your slave. My body, mind and soul belong to you. You may do with them as you wish. Your command is my pleasure. I love you Master”.
So what are my concerns today ? Well he hasn’t received my letter yet. But seriously, what do I really have to worry about. Nothing. If this is what I truly want, then everything will fall into place. And Lxxxxx will be with me through everything.
I am happy today. Even at work, I feel different. I have Lxxxxx constantly in my thoughts. I must sleep now, and get as much sleep and rest over the next few days.
Friday, January 4
Lxxxxx really has changed my life. From what I do, the way I think, the way I see things. Changes such as trying to grab a few hours sleep at 5.00 pm, to eating my evening meal while using the computer to either write to him or read about him, to fantasizing about being fucked from behind up against the piano, or going shopping with him in the supermarket wearing only a pair of stockings, shoes and a long coat!!
He will be phoning soon. He says there will come a time when I can’t live without him, can’t bear not to be in his presence. Maybe that day will arrive very shortly.
I’m trying to imagine what it will be like when I see him for the first time at the airport. Will I want to rush into him arms or will I be frozen to the spot unable to move?
My Master’s cards, e-mail letters and phone calls constantly amaze me. I love the way he expresses himself. I’m sure that Lxxxxx is the one for me, as I am for him.
I’m going to bed now, and wait for his call.
Saturday, January 5
A day filled with thoughts of my Master, Lxxxxx. I woke early this morning. Can’t remember the last time I was up so early on a Saturday. I read his e-mail first thing. He had instructed me to be nude, which I was, and his e-mail started by telling me to get into my position and say my oath, which I did. I then put on a top, as he said, and read his e-mail. I then got ready to go out. Today I got my hair done. I hope he likes it. All the time I was thinking “I am doing this for my Master, for Lxxxxx”. It made me feel happy and satisfied inside. Walking around town I felt so good. I knew that I looked good too! But it is all for Lxxxxx.
I was home in plenty of time to phone him. But he phoned first. At 10 to 3. within 10 minutes or so I had satisfied him. It makes me feel so good that I can satisfy him, even over the phone. I can’t imagine how it is going to be in real life. I rang him back, and we talked for an hour. I feel so close to him. Closer than I have felt with anybody.
I was going to sleep, but instead did a few things around the house, had something to eat, sent him an e-mail. In half an hour or so I will go up to bed. Lxxxxx will be phoning at around midnight. I have to make sure that I get plenty of sleep over the next 4 or 5 days. I should be able to catch up tonight and Sunday, and then on Monday and Tuesday hopefully I can get a couple of hours sleep when I come home from work. I need to be at my best for him next week.
I can’t believe that we are finally going to be together in a matter of days. I know I keep saying to myself that it is still only 3 weeks since we started, but it seems like a lifetime.
Sunday, January 6
Have just finished talking to my Master on the phone. I talked with him earlier this morning. Each time he makes me feel wonderful. Just wonderful. I think how lucky I am. I felt so elated just now, had a quick dance around the room naked.
Our week together is now very close. I know it will be wonderful, amazing in so many ways. However I know also that it will be an emotional roller coaster. I know that my desire will be tested. But I know that if my desire is 110% then everything will be OK. I’ll probably have to endure some pain, probably both physical and mental, but I trust L and I know that he is with me. He will always be there for me.
My life is full now. Lxxxxx has removed all the emptiness. All my thoughts are of him, everything I do is for him. I love it when he phones for me, and I can satisfy him over the phone. I can’t wait until he is here, then I can satisfy him for real. I can give him all the pleasures that a woman can give a man. And I know that I can do that! Several men have said that I was the best they ever had. But really they only had 10 or 20% of me. Lxxxxx is going to get 110%, because there is nobody like Lxxxxx, like my Master. I love him.
I had a good sleep last night. Don’t feel so tired now, but I need to get another night’s good sleep, so that I am at my best next week.
Tuesday, January 8
Last night was special. We talked when he got home – 5.00 pm his time.. All our talk is so special, so intimate. At moments it feels like Lxxxxx and I are the only people alive on this planet. He phoned me later at around 2.00 am my time, and again at 6.00 am. He told me also that he has shut down his web site. I slept for another hour or so, then got up to look on the Internet. Lxxxxx had written a long letter for me. He words always touch me. I then went on his site. Only the first page remains, saying that the position has been filled by slave, Cxxxxxx. I can’t believe that it is actually me. That morning going to work I really did feel different. I wondered if I looked different. Of course I know I don’t, but I know that I do feel different and it is expressed by my increased confidence and feelings of happiness.
Less than 2 days to go now. This time on Thursday, he will have been here for several hours. I do so hope that everything goes OK. Lxxxxx has again today in his e-mail re-assured me that he is not here to hurt me, and that he wants me in his life for a very long time. So everything will be OK. I trust him. It is so nice to be finally able to trust someone. To be able to talk to someone. I know that I haven’t opened up to him completely yet. It is certainly not because I don’t want to. I DO, SO VERY MUCH !!!!!! Hopefully these few days together will see me open up to him, in every way.
Time to go to bed now, and wait for his phone call. I wonder whether I will be able to sleep at all tomorrow night ???????
Thursday, January 10
Lxxxxx arrives today.
I can’t remember much about Wednesday 9th. All I do remember is talking to him on the phone before he left his house to go to the airport.
Thursday 10th – what a day! I woke up fairly early. I set the alarm on my phone and also an alarm clock, just to make sure that I didn’t over sleep. It was really strange getting dressed in the morning. I put on black hold ups, my black silk camisole, black Versace top and short black skirt. I decided on the black shoes, rather than the boots. I then grabbed my bag, coat, and set off. I played my usual favourite music – the songs I have been listening to since this all started. I arrived at Gatwick in plenty of time. By 11.30 I was parked in the car park. I then headed for the terminal. I went to the loo, had a coffee, bought a packet of polo mints, went to the loo again, then wandered over to the arrivals area. I sat down for a while, wondering. The flight was due in at 12.25. The screen said it was due at around 12.28. It actually arrived at 12.26. Ten minutes or so later I went over to the area in front of the arrivals and waited for him. The last 10 minutes were so nerve racking. I was really on edge. Then all of a sudden there he was. I went over and put my arms around him, feeling my legs going slightly. I asked if we could sit down for a couple of minutes. Over in a quiet corner, we sat and he felt in between my legs to check that I was nude under my skirt. He said that ‘’I’d done well’. We then went to the car. We played the CD that Lxxxxx had made for me. The first track was called ‘Get The Party Started’. And that’s what we did. I don’t think Gatwick airport car park has ever seen anything like it. But I had seen nothing yet.
Once out of the airport, onto the MXX, he put his hand on my pussy, and played with it all the way up the motorway. The music was playing, and half a dozen or so times I was in heaven. I have never felt anything like it. After the music stopped he talked to me for a while. When he talks to me like this I know that it is with the purpose of making it clear to me what it is he needs from me as his slave. And it does help me.
Just over half the way home we stopped for a break. I felt really good walking side by side with Lxxxxx. The way he holds my hand is really special. We got a drink and then sat close to each other as he talked some more. Soon we left and were off up the motorway again. In the car he again put his hand in my pussy… it was a wild yet satisfying experience. Soon we would be home.
When we arrived home, we unloaded everything from the car. I was nervous but also calm, wondering what was going to happen. He told me to get undressed and get into my position on the floor. It didn’t take long to get undressed. I removed my belt, skirt, top and camisole. He said to leave the stockings on. I then got down on the floor and submitted to him. He said to remain in that position for a while. In a minute or so I realised that he was taking photographs of me. He then said to get up. He then told me how everyday I would have to present myself to him. He checked my nails, and then checked that I was shaved under the arms and pussy area. He then told me to bend over so he could check my rear end. He made certain allowances today, knowing that I would not have my nails painted, etc. He then said that if everything was acceptable he would hug me. And this he did.
He then told me to undress him, and suck on his cock. This was the first time I had his cock in my mouth, although I have imagined it many times. He then had me get into doggy position, with my ass in the air, so he could penetrate me from behind.
It is strange Lxxxxx being here. But at the same time it seems really natural. Lxxxxx was tired, and he needed something to eat. I prepared some salmon, with mushrooms, and a green salad. A meal that would normally take around 20 minutes took about an hour, as there was so much to talk about, and Lxxxxx wanted to show me the things he had brought for me. Including my collar and other toys!
We ate dinner at the table. For a few moments though he had me lay on the table, legs spread, so that he could eat pieces of salmon dipped in my pussy. It is amazing how something like this feels so normal! I guess I’ll get used to him.
Soon after dinner we went to bed. Both of us fairly exhausted.
Friday, January 11
Thursday night just seemed to roll into Friday morning. I don’t know what time we woke up. Think it was around 10.30 am. After spending an hour or so having fun in bed, licking him, sucking him, I was laying on my back, my arms over my head, feet at the top of the bed. Lxxxxx pressed his body into mine and held my hands over my head. He then asked me for my total commitment. He wanted to hear the word ‘YES’. A small word, but it has such meaning. In this case it means everything. At that very moment I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say no either, but the lack of a yes, meant no. The afternoon began to rapidly go downhill from there. Downhill at 100 mph.
Lxxxxx was prepared to just end this today on the spot. He travelled 6000 miles to be with me. I felt that I let him down. He asked me to call the airline and change the ticket so he could leave on Sunday. The next few hours were very emotional. At one point in the bathroom, I had completely gone to pieces, I cried a lot; he held my hand and Lxxxxx tried to cheer me up. He said that maybe he would have to simply break me down. Maybe that is was I needed. He also said he didn’t want to do that. He can’t force me.
I don’t think we ate much at all during the day, and certainly didn’t have an evening meal. I collapsed onto the bed, exhausted, emotionally drained. But still Lxxxxx wasn’t giving up. I loved that he cared so much about me. He kept on talking to me, and then decided to try something completely different ….
He first put on my collar, then wrist cuffs, and fixed my wrists to the next collar. He then blind folded me. The anticipation grew in me. I could have moved, could have got up, but it was like I couldn’t move. He then grasped each leg and put on ankle cuffs, and searched for something which he could use to tie my legs to the bed. Soon my legs were spread wide and tied securely to the bed.
He then took my right hand and tied that with the dog lead to the bed post. Somehow I knew that he had lit a candle. I began to anticipate what was going to happen. How would the wax on my body feel ? My body was so energised, electrified, ready for the slightest sensation. Then I felt something on my pussy. I instantly squealed, pulled away, wondering what he was doing. Then I heard Lxxxxx calmly saying that it was only a peacock feather. He then brushed it lightly across my body, my stomach, my breasts. Then suddenly a drop of wax fell either side above my pussy area. I screamed, but the screaming was not from the pain, more from the excitement, the intensity of not knowing where the wax was going to drop.
Soon some more wax was dropped on my nipples, and that night I also experience what it was like to have nipple clamps put on. The feeling was so intense. Unfortunately I didn’t give myself chance to experience the feelings properly. I was thinking of the pain too much. For a moment or two he also took one of the clamps and put it on my pussy lips. I’m sure I will be experiencing this feeling again.
But things were still tense. Over the next couple of hours I drifted in and out of sleep. Lxxxxx didn’t sleep much at all. But he hadn’t given up on me.
Saturday, January 12
On the Friday night, Lxxxxx hardly slept at all. I slept a little. He still actually wanted me to sort out his flight ticket so that he could go home on the Sunday. But he still wanted me to take him to London. I said OK. I ran a bath, which we ended up taking together. I don’t know how we managed to turn things around, but basically Lxxxxx wasn’t prepared to give up on me, and something inside of me told me that I shouldn’t let him go either. This was a turning point for us.
He ended up shaving my pussy area using his own razor and shaving gel. Standing up in the bath, legs spread, bent over slightly turned me on. I then shaved my legs. We then spent some time in the bath, talking, even laughing a little about our activities last night. Lxxxxx said how freaked out I was about the wax. I know that what he did was really very mild.
Having hardly slept and eaten very little over the last 18 hours or so, we both felt hungry, tired and emotionally drained, but realised that we needed to eat. So we got dressed. I said what should I wear. Lxxxxx smiled, and said ‘do I have any jeans?’ I said yes, and he said, well put some jeans on then. And then we went out to the supermarket to get some food. I know now what Lxxxxx means when he says that if I am close to him, he is close to me, but if I withdraw from him, he withdraws from me. The change in him now from last night is amazing.
We got some food to make pizza. Food shopping is fun with Lxxxxx. He makes me feel so special, kissing and holding me. After that we went to Xxxxxxx to do some more shopping. I parked the car in the usual car park where I have parked countless times before, never daring to think a couple of months ago that he might be with me here.
So the day ended OK.
Sunday, January 13
Things are looking up. After yesterday, we decided that it would be good to go to London today. The morning started with me sucking him. We then got up, and I dressed. I wore my neck choker, a bra, black hold ups, a sleeveless T-shirt, my black Armani jumper, my short black skirt, black ankle boots, and black coat. I felt great going out like that early on a Sunday morning.
The train journey was great. We talked and laughed, made some plans as to what we would do in London. I’m certain that we got a few looks from other people. But who cares?
Lxxxxx took some photos at Euston station. First we headed for Trafalgar Square and took the usual touristy photographs. However with me dressed like that, it was far from usual. Lxxxxx seems perfectly as ease with me this way though. As we walked around the town, he held my hand. I felt like a princess walking along side him. Again I’m sure people were looking at me. As we walked around I was wondering whether I was behaving properly, or whether I was being too relaxed with him.
I screwed up a few times with the cameras, either holding the camera wrong so that I had my hand over the lens, or taking crap pictures on the digital camera. I think this was down to nerves. Usually I take fairly good pictures. But it did upset me a little.
But really the whole day was wonderful. Lxxxxx took loads of photographs. Some fairly sexy ones. It is amazing what you can get away with. He really wanted to get some photographs on a London bus and a London black cab. Towards the late afternoon we wanted to go to London Tower. We waited a while for a bus. Finally one showed up. It was empty upstairs and . Lxxxxx headed straight for the back seat, told me to sit down and to spread my legs for him. He then took some wonderful pictures. It was really fun. Unfortunately we didn’t get to ride in a black cab. And Lxxxxx found the sex shops in Soho rather disappointing.
The whole day had gone OK, although it did go down hill a bit in the restaurant in the evening. I was beginning to get a little emotional again, wondering what was going to happen. We spent some time talking and continued to talk as we headed back to the station. We event spent some time talking in the station – almost missed the train. But not quite, but unfortunately we didn’t get a seat. Lxxxxx was annoyed. But it did allow us to talk in private a bit. And at one point it did get a little intimate as he told me to put my hand inside his pants and massage his cock. I didn’t manage this very successfully though.
By the time we got back, things were looking up. On the way back I felt a lot better and was ready to put 110% back into the relationship. When we got back to the house we stopped in the car outside for a moment. I said to Lxxxxx that what I needed was for him to be more stern with me. That way I would have more idea whether I could do this. Lxxxxx said it is not about being stern and forcing me, it is about doing anything because it is me wanting to do it to please him, that is how consensual slavery works. All about my trust in him. When we got inside, he told me that something would happen, and that it would be different to before. It was!
He told me go get undressed, leave my stockings on, take off my necklace and put my collar on. He then attached the leash. I was then led into the other room on my hands and knees. Lxxxxx went back into the other room, and called for me. I had to crawl back to him, sit on his left hand side in the correct position and hand him the leash, saying “This is for you to control me with Master”.
He then got his cock out, sat down on the sofa and told me to suck on it. But I couldn’t use my hands. After a while he said to take off his socks with my teeth. At first I found this a little difficult, but then I got the idea. I pulled the sock down a little, then took a firm grasp, and he pulled his foot away. I was then to lick and suck his toes. I love doing this. And he has such beautiful feet. I don’t know how long I had been sucking before he told me to suck the other one. Then back to his cock. Finally he came in my mouth. I love the taste of him. I licked up the cum from around his cock, and then sat for a while at his feet with my mouth around his cock.
Then we went to bed.
I thought afterwards what motivated me to do those things last night, and to lick, suck his feet and cock until he told me to stop. Firstly it is to do with the fact that this relationship is different. In this case I do not have a choice. I can’t say, “I don’t want to suck your cock tonight” or “I have had enough now”. But secondly, I did genuinely want to do it, and I did get turned on.
Monday, January 14
Work today. Unfortunately I had to go to another office for a whole day’s meeting. If I had been at my regular one, then I would have definitely come home at lunchtime to be with Lxxxxx, and done whatever he wanted. If he had wanted me to suck him, then I would. If he had just wanted to talk, then I would have talked.
I got out of the meeting at around 4.45 pm. On the way home I was wondering what was going to happen when I got in. I imagined that he would tell me go get undressed, submit to him and suck him. But I was in for a surprise. While I was at work, he had got the photographs from London developed. But he was disappointed with the colours. They weren’t very good. We then went out to the supermarket to get some Cranberry juice, and some fruit for desert. Then back to town for fish and chips for dinner. They were good. Better than in London. As Lxxxxx used the computer to check his e-mail, I prepared the desert. Amongst his e-mails was one reply to his DarkPrince site. It was a pathetic one liner (containing spelling and grammar errors). I have a little idea now of the crap that he has to put up with over the last year or so.
Desert was good. Blackberries with avocado, double cream and Cointreau. Soon after that we went to up to bed. Lxxxxx painted my toe nails. Then we had a bit of fun. He then painted my fingernails. As they dried I sucked on his cock, while he played with my pussy. Later he let me kiss and suck his feet. At one moment I looked up at him, smiled and he smiled back. That was lovely.
In bed at night at one point he was pressing his feet into mine. Our legs were inter-twined. I don’t know if he was awake or not, maybe half asleep. But what he was doing was turning me on. It was as though he was stating that I belonged to him.
Tuesday, January 15
Our last full day together. The morning started when we woke up at around 7.00 am. Lxxxxx pushed my head towards his cock and I started to suck him. After 10 minutes or so, he let me go, saying that we would continue this later. I then get ready for work, and left at around 8.30. I couldn’t wait to get out of the meeting at lunchtime to get back to him. I’m sure the rest of the people in the meeting thought that I had gone completely nuts.
For the first time almost during the week, the sun was shining. Lxxxxx wanted to take some photographs in the garden at the back of the house. But knowing Lxxxxx, I should have realised that they weren’t going to be ordinary photographs. He had me faced against the wall of the house, hands against the wall, jeans and panties down to my knees, legs spread, smiling at him. I took a couple of him by the tree. Back inside, I was wondering what was going to happen. I was to get undressed, put my stockings on and put on my lipstick. He then put my collar on, and handcuffs. Then he went into the dining room and came out with a single rose. I was wondering where he was going to put it. My first thought was my pussy. Wrong. He had me kneel down and then put the rose between my teeth (he did remove some of the thorns). He then took some photographs. We took some more up the staircase, on the piano and on the sofa. Amazing. He really does have a gift for bring out the best in people. I really enjoyed doing this for him.
By then it was around 2.00 pm and we were hungry. I got dressed (I wore a nice dress) and we drove out a nearby pub/restaurant. It was wonderful being there with Lxxxxx. We had a really nice meal. We then booked the hotel at Gatwick, and came back home. We left the house at around 8.00 pm. We stopped at Oxford for dinner. Again it was really special being with Lxxxxx. The way he walks with me on the street is so different to how anybody else has treated me. Yes, I am his slave, but he also makes me feel so special. We arrived at the hotel at around midnight.
We had some fun, then I gave him a full massage, and we went to sleep.
Wednesday, January 16
We woke up at around 7.00 am, and the first thing I did was suck on his cock. When we got up, we took a shower together. While in the bathroom we talked. Lxxxxx talks to me all the time, not always about M/s but he does talk about this, as he does need to teach me things. We then dried each other.
The last hour or so at the airport was sad. Lxxxxx said that he realises that he has had a deep impact on my life. It is true. As he left, I was thinking that he came into my life suddenly, and how he was going again.
Wednesday, January 23
Since coming back from Gatwick, I have been playing Lxxxxx’s CD practically none stop. It reminds me so much of him – the intensity of the words on some of the songs.
Today I spoke to my boss at work. He was willing to be flexible to help me out. It now is up to personnel to give their OK to my having a couple of weeks off in February. I will then hand in my notice on Friday. That means I can leave on April 26th.
Had a surprise phone call from Lxxxxx at 8.30 pm. I rang him back at the office. I hadn’t checked my e-mail yet, and he wanted to tell me that he had written a poem about me. We talked for a while, and I told him what had happened at work, and then I signed on to the computer. The poem is entitled Butterfly, and is so lovely. A butterfly is the best way to describe me.
Butterfly Sitting here at my desk looking at your photograph memories of you, us – flashback. Your smile, touch, aroma drove me wild As I wonder when will you be back? My sweet butterfly: fragile, pretty Spread your wings and fly me. Dark pleasures are yours to gain Submit to our needs lust and pain Bring smile to my face once again Without you I’m only half alive All I can do is to stare at your photograph.
After all I did say to Lxxxxx in my very first e-mail to him, that I wanted someone to transform me into something exquisite. And I know that Lxxxxx is the person to do just that. He is already doing it.
After talking to him on the phone, I put on his xxxxx T-shirt, then drifted into a dreamy sleep. I woke at around 5.00 am, the table lamp was still on. I think I had been dreaming that he had been phoning me. I turned off the light, and fell asleep again.
Saturday, January 26
This morning I woke up at 7.00 am. It was raining hard. Great! I think I went back to sleep for an hour or so. When I woke again, my first thought was of Lxxxxx. I could feel the sensations beginning in my pussy. I wanted to masturbate. I put on his collar (fairly tight – I like to feel it close around my neck), and put an object between my legs (I have always preferred an object there, rather than my fingers. That way it feels that something it being ‘done’ to me rather than me doing it). I started to imagine that I was naked and bent over a chair, legs spread. Lxxxxx, my Master, wanted to flog me with his crop. Not because I needed to be punished, but because he wanted to make sure that I knew that I belonged to him. I didn’t orgasm but I did get very wet. I then imagined him being there at that moment, probing my pussy (his sweet cunt) with his slender fingers, and then penetrating me from behind. So hard, so deep.
It is really strange that since all this started I have masturbated less than before. During the weeks before I finally wrote to Lxxxxx, I used to masturbate so much. At the weekend I would sometimes masturbate 3 or 4 times. Each session could last for up to an hour. For one thing I don’t have as much free time anymore, and when I get home from work I am a little more tired. Also I now find it even harder to have an orgasm, because the fantasies I used before are not really fantasies anymore. They are becoming real now. But maybe I just don’t have the need to masturbate anymore. Of course if Lxxxxx tells me to, then I will. But if he really wants me to cum then it isn’t going to be easy. Not impossible, just not easy. I guess the first thing is to be able to tell him all the things that used to make me cum. The problem is (and I know this only too well) that for me to have an orgasm the mood, atmosphere, etc, has to be just right, as well as the thoughts in my head at that precise moment. But this is not really a worry for me at the moment. Even if I don’t have an orgasm, I do get very turned on by Lxxxxx.
I finally got up at around 9.00 am. Still raining. Anyway I got ready and left the house at around 10.15. I drove towards Xxxxxxxxx, but a few miles outside of the city, the roads were flooded and the traffic was being turned around. So I parked the car in Xxxxxxx (4 miles outside of the city), and went to a coffee shop for a break. There I wrote a postcard and a letter for Lxxxxx. Don’t know when he will receive them. Maybe in 10 days or so. I then went to book my flight. Departing on the 13th!!!!!!!!
Rain practically stopped, so I went into Xxxxxxxx. I parked the car in the usual car park, where we were just 2 weeks ago. I got some Cartier Pasha perfume for him. I also had a look at the T-shirts, etc, in the tourist office. Didn’t really like them. I’ll see if I can find anything else. I had planned to get something to wear for when I arrive there. However as I was looking around I kept thinking ‘I wonder whether Lxxxxx would like that, or this?’. So in the end all I got was 2 T-shirts (vastly reduced, so that was good). It probably will be best if I take only a few clothes, and then buy some other stuff over there with him. I’ll need to get some more stockings, hold ups, etc. But I can get these next week.
My main thought about my visit to Xxxxxxx is that I need to be sure that I really want to be with Lxxxxx. Being in Xxxxxxx is secondary, as that might change. But what is constant is being with Lxxxxx. When he was here I was unable to give the 110% commitment that he needs. This time it needs to be different. I suppose the best thing Lxxxxx can do is make these couple of weeks as close to normal as possible. What I would like to be able to do is talk to him. It is strange because he keeps saying that I don’t talk enough, which is true, but I really do want to be able to talk openly to him. That will help this bonding process. I don’t know if he really wants to know details about my life but there are things that I would like to tell him, things about me which nobody else knows, and which I really would like to say to someone. And there is nobody better than Lxxxxx.
When I got back I phoned him. It was 6.45 pm. He wasn’t in, but I left a message. Then I took a bath. I am shaving myself regularly now. I was doing my pussy area every day, and legs and underarms every other day. No problem with legs and underarms (I could do these every day really), but the pussy area is sensitive. Hopefully the skin will get used to the shaving. The shaving gel that Lxxxxx left here is now done, and today I used the one that I had got. I am putting cream on every day too. I am using the Hermes Amazone perfume every day, and sometimes in the evening too!
After dinner I phoned him, wondering whether he would be home yet. He had just got in!!! He told me to get undressed, get onto the floor and say my oath. Which I did. I was then told to put 2 fingers inside my pussy. He then talked to me normally. After a while he said to take my fingers out and make myself comfortable. Things got intense again as he talked to me about how he much he needs me, how he needs me to be his slave, his object, how he needs me to give him pleasure and how he needs me to live only for that, and how he needs me to worship him, his cock, his cum, how he needs to tie me up, pee on me, how he needs me to reveal all my fantasises, no matter how perverse or how dark.
At around 10.00 pm he let me go, and said that I should work on my diary for a couple of hours and then e-mail the whole thing to him (and again tomorrow after I have added some more).
Sunday, January 27
My Master helped me so much today.
I woke up feeling that a cloud was over me. Suddenly everything is happening. I have given my notice at work, booked the flight, and soon I will be there, and it is REALLY SCARY. It is like I am in this too deep now to pull out, but it is difficult sometimes to go forward. I knew that I had to talk to Lxxxxx today.
This morning I was asking myself what drove me to contact him in the first place. The answer was 20 years of frustration, bad experiences, and failed relationships. And it is the same thing which keeps me going even when I have doubts. Being with Lxxxxx is the best thing that has happened to me. But it is still that 1 or 2 percent that is unwilling to give up control. I even thought that Lxxxxx would have to break down the resistance in me. But maybe that wouldn’t be the right thing either. He could do it though.
So when I rang him at 7.00 am his time I was already in a fairly emotional state. I did pull the curtains on before I phoned him, but made the mistake of not getting undressed. Had I been in the bedroom, then maybe I would have done it automatically, as I usually phone him from there. When he answered the phone he asked which room I was in and whether I was nude. I answered that I wasn’t naked. He then told me to get undressed and get down on the floor and say my oath. And then told me that he has already said that I should be nude when I phone him, and why wasn’t I? He then told me to put 2 fingers inside my pussy and started to lecture me about how a slave must obey her Master, and about the different ways in which I must please him. Sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. He then said that if he were here right now he would stand in front of me, and pull down his pants, and he then asked what would I do to please him? I answered that I would begin to lick his cock, around the rim, around the most sensitive part. Then he said to climb onto the sofa, spread my legs, push 2 fingers in and out, talk to him and make him cum. When he came I was so emotionally charged that I cried. Not only was it the sexual release, but emotional too.
Lxxxxx brought me back down, and then we talked further. I do so much want to open up to him, but I still find it hard. However once I start to talk I do say things. We started to talk about masturbation and generally about my difficulty in having orgasms. I think Lxxxxx is right in that I probably do have difficulty in completely letting myself go, and also I have got so used to having orgasms only while masturbating, which doesn’t help. I’m sure we will talk about this further.
Had a quick surprise phone call at about 7.00 pm from Lxxxxx to see how I was. He was playing some of the music that he put on a CD for me – ‘I put a spell on you’. When he hung up, I put his CD on (which I had been listening to all morning already), and played the same track. I was in the bathroom at the time. I’ve shaved, had a nice bath, put on some nice skin moisturiser, done my nails, etc. I feel good.
I will go to bed soon, and wait for his call.
Monday, January 28
I’m feeling better now after a bad day or 2 at the weekend. However the emotional strain does take its toll sometimes. I was feeling very weary and had a headache.
When I got home and checked the mailbox outside, there were 3 letters from Lxxxxx. That did make me happy.
Yes I do feel different. But it is difficult to say exactly how I feel. I certainly do feel close to Lxxxxx. I think about him constantly, love it when I talk to him on the phone at 5.30 am his time, and again at 5.00 pm his time. Sometimes we will talk in between too.
But how should a slave really feel ? Lxxxxx says I am doing OK, and to relax, everything will be OK. Because I trust him, I will do this.
When Lxxxxx rang at midnight he said that he had booked the second weekend when I will be with him, in Las Vegas. We will leave Xxxxxxx on the Thursday evening, stay there until Saturday am. Then visit the Grand Canyon, then back to home. It will be lovely to be there with him, especially around the Grand Canyon, away from everything.
Tuesday, January 29
I felt really good today.
My Master phoned me early in the morning at 4.00 am. At that time I usually know what he wants. He told me to put 2 fingers inside my pussy and to start masturbating. I was already a bit wet, because his call at 1.00 am had made me start to feel wet wondering what he was wanting.
Very soon I was so wet, my whole body was hot. I am so pleased that I can satisfy him. I really do get my pleasure from knowing that I am pleasing him. When he came I could almost feel his cum in my mouth. I long for that taste again. I haven’t tasted that many men, but Lxxxxx’s cum does taste nice !!! All our phone sex has been amazing, but this time was something else. I couldn’t really sleep again straight away. I did sleep though, and got up this morning at 7.45 am.
I felt good all day, much better than Sunday. When I overcome these doubts, it seems as though I grow stronger. I just have to believe in Lxxxxx, trust him, and also believe in myself. I feel as though I have moved on a step.
When I got home from work there were 3 more letters waiting for me. I have never experienced anything like it. I phoned him at work for a while. Hearing his voice is always wonderful and such a comfort.
I will be with him in just over 2 weeks time. I just want to get there now and start living this relationship, although I know I will have to come back here for a while. And there will be lots to do when I do get back. I do want it to work so much. Both of have spent so much energy on this for it not to, and I know that I am already in too deep to pull out. It would wreck me if I pulled out now.
So what am I scared of at the moment? Well, fewer things than I was a few weeks ago. As I am getting used to this, the whole thing is seeming a little less scary. And the individual things such as the tattoo, piercing, etc do not seem as frightening. Although I have to admit it, the piercing does still give me some concern. It is strange that Lxxxxx hasn’t mentioned that my ears aren’t pierced.
It is strange how you can get used to something new fairly quickly though (especially if you are determined to). For instance, shaving my pussy. I had never done that up until a few days before Lxxxxx came here. Now I am doing it on a regular basis. Shaving it, and also taking time to cut lose hairs close to the lips. I am also using the razor to shave under the arms and legs. I am also using his perfume every day, and often in the evening.
When I bought the Pasha Cartier for him on Saturday, I got a sample spray of d’Hiver Pasha on a card (it is similar, but lighter). I have that next to the bed, and can smell it during the night.
Wednesday, January 30
Two weeks and I will be in Xxxxxxx with Lxxxxx, my Master. Last night he sent me a long detailed e-mail about our relationship, how it has to be, and the fact that he will never compromise.
During the day I was wondering what he had written exactly. I was wondering whether there would be something really heavy, that would make me freak out. Well it was heavy stuff but it didn’t make me freak out. What it did do was help me focus on what I am really doing, and on our relationship. I know that he understands what I am going through, and can understand the emotional turmoil that I find myself in most of the time, and the self-doubts that I have. Often I think about the huge step that I am taking, and wonder can I really do this, and what on earth am I doing ? But then I think about my trust in Lxxxxx, and his confidence in me that I can do it. And that helps.
It is still difficult for me a lot of the time, and I am having to make so many changes and adjustments in my life, but at the same time I think I can see the right sort of changes taking place in me, and I certainly do feel different towards him (different to how I felt during my other relationships).
The day had started OK, but then the bottom fell out. While on the Internet, I got an e-mail from him saying that his day had been really bad and could I phone him at home. He had attached this e-mail to the one I had sent him with my itinerary. At first I wondered whether it was to do with this. But how could it ? I phoned him from upstairs. He said it was something else and he went into the details. The whole business had really shaken Lxxxxx up.
My first response was that I was stunned. I couldn’t really react properly.
Thursday, January 31
What has happened is beginning to sink in. In the morning I woke and my chest was really tight. I was angry that someone had done this, but unable to vent my anger.
This has affected Lxxxxx really badly. He called me at 6.15 am. After 2 years of dealing with morons on the Internet, and just as things seemed to be going well, this has happened. Even my thoughts about the relationship were becoming stronger. I am more sure than ever that this is going to work for both of us.
I had my appointment at the doctors as planned. I got a prescription for the contraceptive pill. I asked him also about alternatives. He would be prepared to refer me for sterilisation. This is one of the things Lxxxxx and I need to talk about. I have no fears about getting this done, but before I do, I need to know that Lxxxxx and I are together for keeps. Neither of us want children.
Talked on the phone with him again at night.
