by Saturday, February 2
He phoned me this morning. We had a nice chat. I went to Xxxxxxxxxx as planned to do my shopping. I got some of the things I wanted. Also I collected my flight tickets.
I think all what is happening at the moment is finally sinking in. Because I am so far away, it is difficult to see exactly how it is affecting Lxxxxx. It has definitely put a dampener on our relationship. Just a few days ago we were on a high, counting the days when we would be together again. We are still counting the days, but I wonder just how this is going to affect us. Lxxxxx keeps saying that he really needs me there, and hopefully I will make him feel better. I hope to God, my visit there goes well, and we don’t go through what we went through here.
When I got in from town there was a long e-mail from him, saying how he feels about this whole thing. It upset me again, because it made me realise just how innocent and trusting I really am. Because I would never hurt anyone like this, I expect everyone else to be the same.
I have just been talking to him on the phone. He is still completely wound up about this. It is going to take some time for him to come back down.
Tuesday, February 5
Tired again this morning. But I felt better as the morning went on, especially by the time it got to 12.30 and I could phone Lxxxxx. But then what I have been dreading for months happened. There was an attempt to break into the house I live in. As if we don’t have to put up with enough at the moment. I came home at lunchtime and have been in since, and won’t go out of the house until the door is fixed. That won’t now be until tomorrow morning. However, can’t allow it to get me down too much. All day yesterday I was feeling stressed. I had this burning sensation in my stomach and up into my throat. This morning it had gone, but has come back. But I’ll be OK.
I talked with Lxxxxx twice today from home, and he always makes me feel better. He made me laugh too this evening. He has got his phone number changed today.
I have been thinking about things that Lxxxxx has said over the last couple of days. He keeps saying that I have nothing to worry about, that I have nothing to be afraid of. I know that he is not out to harm me physically (or mentally), or abuse me. If I thought that he was into that then I would never have contacted him in the first place. I have known from the start that Lxxxxx is different. He is very honest, doesn’t pretend to be something he isn’t, and all that came across on his website. On his website he came across as a real person, and yes someone who is naturally dominant and wants to have control, but also someone who is very sensual, fun loving, with a sense of humour. So no I don’t worry about things like he is going to chain me up all day long, or he is going to have me suck 10 guys in a row, because he is not into that.
But what still does worry me is that I haven’t yet gone through the full process of acceptance. One example, the money I have in the bank. This is the money that I made on the sale of the flat. And I had to go through hell to get this. The hell I mean is the 12 months of pain that Jxxxxx (ex) put me through. And I have always thought that this money would be my security. Although Lxxxxx says he doesn’t want to fritter it away, shouldn’t the proper slave attitude be that everything now belongs to my Master, and if he wanted to blow it all within 10 minutes in a casino, then that would be up to him ? I know he wouldn’t do that, but still it makes me think. Do I have the right attitude ? Lxxxxx says I do. But I’m still confused. Sometimes my heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me another. I just hope that even if I never achieve 100% acceptance, things will still work out. I’m sure Lxxxxx will make sure they do. Maybe when I am there with him he will need to be quite firm with me at times. Although this scares me too.
Wednesday, February 6
My Master phoned me this morning to remind me that I belong to him. He makes me feel so hot. My pussy was so wet. Afterwards I couldn’t sleep again straight away. I needed to come back down. I know that this is one way that he tests me. Each time that he has phoned for me during the night, the only thing on my mind is to please him. It makes me wonder how some women I know at work would react if their partner woke them up in the middle of the night wanting them to suck their cock ??? Most of them would tell their partner to get lost, but then they haven’t got a man like Lxxxxx have they ???!!!
This business with the attempted break in has really spooked me. But I know that Lxxxxx is with me. I’ll probably stay at home today. I’m not going to be much use at work anyway. And I can use the time to prepare for next week. It will take my mind off things.
Later ……..
Had a lie down during the early evening, and started to think about Lxxxxx. I could feel that familiar feeling in my pussy as it starts to get wet. I put my jar of Vaseline in between my legs and rubbed myself on it.
Here is my fantasy : My Master said that he was going to teach me some discipline and obedience. I was naked wearing only my collar. He said to sit for him, in the position he had shown me. He then walked around me examining me from all angles. Then taking a cane he adjusted my position. He pushed my legs open wider a centimetre or 2, then rubbed the tip of the cane across my pussy, then checked the arch of my back. He then rubbed the cane across my breasts and erect nipples. Then to pushed my chin up slightly. When he was satisfied that every part of my body was positioned to his requirements, he said “That’s good, slave. I want you to get used to this position. Whenever I tell you to sit you will position yourself exactly like this”. He then left me sitting like this for some time, so that I could learn the position. I concentrated on my legs, how wide my thighs were spread, then concentrated on my back, how arching my back raised my breasts, then concentrated on the angle of my head. I kept thinking that I want to learn how to sit correctly to please my Master. After some time, he said that it was time for my exercising. He took me outside into the back yard, and told me to sit on his left hand side. He said I would be exercised like a dog. He would throw a stick, which I would retrieve with my mouth, and then kneel before him and present it to him. When he took the stick from my mouth, I would return to sit on his left hand side, and to again wait for the command to “fetch”. This continued for some time. Each time I retrieved the stick and quickly returned it to my Master, respectfully kneeling before him, holding the stick in my mouth. He then said that that was enough exercise and I was taken inside again. Again I was ordered to sit. And again I adopted the position, carefully checking that each part of my body was positioned correctly. My Master then told me to follow him. I thought that he was going to have me suck his cock. And I did have my Master’s cock in my mouth, but it was his pee I would be tasting. He led me into the bathroom. I was ordered to climb into the bath, kneel down, face him, hold onto the edge of the bath, and open my mouth. He then put his cock just inside my mouth, and peed. I swallowed most of it. I was then told to stick out my tongue, so that my Master could wipe the tip of his cock on it. I was then told to get out of the bath, and still with pee on my face and on my breasts I was again led back into the living room, and told to sit. Today I had learned to sit correctly for my Master, and had pleased him. ORGASM !!!!!!!!!
This is still a fantasy but the difference between now and a couple of months ago is that the fantasy is based on fact. But it is still a fantasy. I don’t really know how such things would be in real life. During this fantasy I was with Lxxxxx in his home, and dreams and fantasies can have a habit of coming true !!!!!!!!! but I do want Lxxxxx to know what I fantasise about.
7 days time, and I will be with Lxxxxx, my Master.
Friday, February 8
Had a very good sleep. I felt OK today, able to get some work done. It was nearly 7.00 pm when I came home. I haven’t worked so late since being with Lxxxxx. It was so nice talking to him at his usual waking up time. I phoned him later in the day (5.45 pm my time), but no answer, so I left a message. Then I tried later, after I got home, and he had just got back, so I was able to talk to him for a few minutes before he had to go out again. He will be phoning me later. I really can’t live without him.
We have so much to talk about when we are together. Not least where we want to live. I guess it is a case of weighing up what makes sense against what we would prefer.
It seems crazy that we might both give up decent jobs, and Lxxxxx might sell his house, for us to be in a place with no home and no job.
Just a few days to go now until I am with my Master again. I can’t wait to be naked and submit to him, and to have my body examined by him. My finger and toenails will be nicely painted red, my lips will be painted red, my hair will be lightened, all hair from my legs, underarms, pussy, and round my behind, will be removed. All my skin will be smooth. I will be wearing his fragrance. I hope he will be pleased with me.
Sunday, February 10
Just over 3 days to go, and I will be with my Master again.
This morning I masturbated and fantasised about him. I get so hot, so wet when I think about him. I fantasised about submitting to him for the first time in his house, and then presenting myself for him. Standing up, spreading my legs, so that he can examine my pussy, my cunt, checking that all the hair has been removed, then having my toe and finger nails checked to see if they are painted perfectly. Then bending right over, so that he can examine my behind, and check that all the hair has been removed. In my fantasies this turns me on so much because someone has total control over me, and it is slightly degrading to have someone check you like this. Soon I will be doing this for real. It will become part of our daily routine. I wonder if it will always give me a rush of excitement?
I had a bath and shaved myself this morning. I spent so much time shaving around my pussy and my behind, trying to remove all the hair, in order to please my Master.
I phoned my Master at 7.00 am his time. I was naked in bed, wearing my collar. He had woken up just 10 minutes before, and was still in bed. We talked for a while and then he told me what I would be doing if I were there. Playing with his balls, and he would be playing with my pussy. It then became very intimate, very sexy. I told him how I longed to please him, to suck him, taste his cum in my mouth. He told me how my greatest reward is to have his cum inside me, whether in my mouth or in my cunt. Because then I know that I have given him pleasure. And then he mentioned one of my fantasies “not only his cum, I should also long for his pee. Treasure it. If he wishes to pee on me, then I must accept it. Drink it if he says so ”. He asks me what am I? I reply “your slave”. He asks what type? I reply “no limits”. He asks if I am up to that. I reply that I am getting there. He says yes, slowly bit by bit. I really am beginning to feel that I belong to Lxxxxx. He believes that I will be a very good slave. I long for him so much, to feel his touch, smell him, taste him.
Afterwards I lay in bed for a while, coming back down. Lxxxxx really does take me out of myself; he takes me out of this world.
Monday, February 11
I woke up this morning at just after 3.00 am. I must have been dreaming or imagining that my Master was phoning for me. The very thought of him made me feel sexy and wet, and I started to masturbate. I imagined him saying to me ‘Who do you belong to?’ and I would reply ‘I belong to you, Master’. Then he would say ‘What are you?’ and I would reply ‘Your slave, Master’. And then ‘What type of slave are you?’ ‘I am your no limits slave, Master’. ‘What does a no limits slave do?’. ‘A no limits slave obeys without question or hesitation’. My Master then tells me that I am a good slave, and that I can now please him, and make him cum.
Soon he will be wanting me at 3.00 am for real.
Wednesday, February 13
All the way during the flight I was thinking about being with him, and being his slave. Several times I could feel myself getting wet between the legs. At the airport before I met him, I changed into my skirt and stockings, took my panties off.
When we got to his house, the original plan had been to go straight out for something to eat, but he told me to get undressed, and submit. He then inspected me, and then to suck on his cock. He came in my mouth.
We then went out for something to eat. I felt OK, but a little nervous.
I love his home, it is exactly as he described to me and saw a few images on his site. I love his artwork. He has so many interest apart from M/s which makes me believe that my life far from boring.
Back home. He fucked me in the cunt and in the ass. Then gave me some lashes on the cunt. Probably very mildly for him. We then took a shower, and he peed on me and in my mouth. My first experience of being peed on. I liked it. I had an idea what it might taste like, because I have licked my own hand after touching myself after peeing.
We then went to bed. He had me suck on him and then penetrated me really deeply. Then we slept.
Thursday, February 14
I was woken up at 5.00 am, & told to suck gently on my Master’s cock. He came in my mouth. I was so glad that I had pleased him. It was Valentine’s day, I wanted this day to be very special!
Lxxxxx had to go to work today, though he didn’t really want to. He left the house at around 6.30 am. Before doing so he told me how he expected to find me when he got home – by the door, ready to submit.
It then felt very strange being there by myself for the first time since arriving. I managed to get some more sleep between 7.00 am and 8.30 am. Lxxxxx phoned at 8.00 am. At 8.30 am I woke up again and had this urge to masturbate. While masturbating I told myself how I want only to please and serve my Master. Nothing else. Nothing else matters because I am his slave and that is what a slave does. And I get my own pleasure from pleasing him. He phoned me again at around 9.00 am. I finally got up at 9.30 am. During the morning I shaved and had a shower.
By the time I had talked with mum on the phone and had lunch it was after 2.00 pm. I still had my nails to do. Beginning to feel a bit nervous. I started to take the old polish off when Lxxxxx phoned me. We talked for a while. I felt a little better then because during the afternoon I had been wondering again about what the hell I’m doing here. Stuff like that. But I put that out of my mind and got on with my nails, taking as much care over them as I could. Time was getting on. At around 4.00 pm I chose some hold-ups and put them on. Then some perfume, did my lips, hair, and put my collar on. When I am wearing my collar in the house it does make me feel different. I was then ready when I heard him at the door. I knelt down on the floor. When he came in I submitted and said my oath. He then inspected me. He commented that my rear end was swollen. (That’s one reason why I’m not so keen on anal penetration. When I get back I am going to have it checked. I’ll go to a well women’s clinic and I can get everything checked). Also the shaving is still causing some skin irritation. I’ll see how that goes over the next couple of months.
We then prepared something to eat. Ate, and then got ready to go out. He picked out a T-shirt for me to wear. I would have worn it but wasn’t really happy. It was the style that I have never felt comfortable in. I was happy that he listened to me and he picked out a different one. We then went to a store which had loads of bondage gear, clothes, etc. He wanted to get some shoes for me. I knew he wanted high heels but still I was a bit shocked when I saw the height. But I guess you can get used to almost anything. There are certainly many new things which I have got used to over the last couple of months. However, the shoe size wasn’t right so we didn’t get any. But he did get a gag for me. That should be interesting as I have had fantasies about this. We had a look at other stuff too, and then went back home. At the store I think I was a little out of my depth, but I’ll get used to it.
I was a bit tense when we got home and it shows because I don’t get wet so easily or let myself go. He started touching me while we were in the kitchen, and then had me bend over. It was a real shame because being in that position would normally get me really hot, and I would have pleased him so much. He wasn’t happy with my position so took me over to the sofa, and even there I didn’t seem to be able to get it right. But he let me suck on his cock and lick his balls, and he did cum and allow me to take it in my mouth. I was unhappy that I hadn’t pleased him completely earlier. We went to bed soon after that.
We were both tired. I gave him a long rub down and I think we both fell asleep
Friday, February 15
Early in the morning I woke up to feel my Master’s legs rubbing against my pussy. I don’t know whether he was really awake or not. I think he was still kind of half asleep. But I was awake and my mind once again was clear. I knew whom I belonged to. I asked him what I could do to please him and he said to lick his cock, which was actually getting hard, so he told me to sit on it. This got me really hot. I was so wet, my whole body was soaked. He had his hands on my hips, moving my body as he wanted. I longed for him to grasp me harder, to squeeze my tits.
He then told me ‘enough’ and to start licking his cock gently and to then kiss it, and to then massage his feet, and lick his toes at the same time. Then I straightened the bed covers and climbed back into bed with him and we went back to sleep.
We woke again at 5.30 am and got up to go to work. On every second Friday he works a short day and he gets the other two off in between. After we leave his office my Master will be with me for a whole week! He took an unpaid week off. That reinforced his commitment to me. I do not know how he got permission to bring me to his office, but all the people he worked with was very nice to me. It was really so good being at work with him. We talked about our plans, laughed, took lunch together, went out for some bread. I felt much better. My mind was more clear. Maybe the tension yesterday was down to being by myself with too much time to think, plus the bondage/clothes store, etc.
LXXXXX WAS BORED AT WORK !!!!!!!
Saturday, February 16
We woke up a little later than planned.
He said that up until now he had been very lenient with me and that from tomorrow we would start to get into the Master/slave thing more.
We drove towards Tucson to the Air museum. Had a good time. I really enjoy being with him, holding his hand, walking with him. We then went to the desert museum but there wasn’t much to see there, so we made our own entertainment. We found a secluded spot amongst the cacti and Lxxxxx took some great photographs. It is a wonderful feeling posing naked in the warm Arizona sunshine.
When we got back he told me to get undressed and put my collar on, and to sit beside him while he downloaded the photographs from the camera. I got into my sitting position, but after a while my feet started to go numb. I didn’t want to tell him. When he told me to get up to close the window I couldn’t stand properly and fell. Stupid or what ? He was really nice about it, and said I could sit in a different position. I really thought I could sit like this for a couple of hours. It isn’t as easy as it looks, or maybe I am doing it wrong.
Rest of the evening was just a blur… not used to the sunshine all day and being tired due to time difference but I do remember sucking on his cock, tasting and swallowing his cum.
Sunday, February 17
In the morning after sucking on his cock he put on my gag and collar. Then he used cuffs to tie my wrists to my ankles. He then attached nipple clamps, and used something on my pussy. I didn’t know what it was at the time. He then cropped me a little, and said that that is what would happen if I don’t co-operate. He then took some photographs.
I did freak out a little, but survived.
We watched DVDs for the rest of the afternoon
Monday, February 18
Did some shopping in Xxxxxxx in the morning, then in the afternoon took a drive north towards the mountains. Took some photographs by the rocks. I should say of me on top of a huge rock. Of course a family had to stop near by to see what we are doing. Lxxxxx was pissed a bit, but he continued. I guess they got a free peep show.
When we got back he told me to get undressed and put on my slave stuff, and to submit. He then went into the bedroom and came out with my leash, saying that I had forgotten something. As a gentle reminder, he cropped me a little.
Watched some of ‘Story of O’ in the evening. Afterwards I sucked his cock and he came in my mouth. I gave him a good massage and licked his feet before going to sleep.
Tuesday, February 19
At the moment, I’m thinking that my mind is in such a whirl. I hardly know where I am or what day it is most of the time. Trying to catch up on my diary is difficult, especially writing about our activities here at home. I can’t remember when I sucked on him, or when he fucked me. Was I his peacock or pet dog ? Maybe both ? I will see his photos and will know for sure then.
Wednesday, February 20
The day started well. I sucked on him and then he fucked me. I was really wet, from during the night.
My diary entry for today will be about my feelings rather than what activities we are getting up to. It has been 2 months now since all this started. But it seems much longer. More like 6 months or more.
I am still having some difficulty. I am confused, and sometimes unsure of what I really want. Lxxxxx understands that it can take some time. Some people can adapt to this straight away, others take longer. He believes that I am somewhere in between. But he does believe that I can do it, if it is what I truly want. He thinks my problem, or one of my problems, is that I am analysing things too much, thinking about things too much (what if this, what if that, etc), rather than just letting it happen. Once I can get over that hurdle then he says things will become easier. But it is a fairly big hurdle, because while I might have the desire, my mind still tries to hold me back. And it is true, I am thinking about things a lot.
For instance, where will we live, what kind of jobs can we get. It has taken me 20 years to get out of a one room apartment into a house, and I wouldn’t really like to go back to that. But that is where the problem lies. As a slave, I shouldn’t care where I live. So what does that mean ? Does it mean that I haven’t really accepted that I am a slave ? Will I ever get to that level of acceptance ? I don’t know. Sometimes I am really lost with all this, and wonder whether I am in too deep.
When I was coming across on the plane, I told myself that the purpose of my visit was to be accepting (or at least more accepting) of Lxxxxx as my Master, and to be more accepting of my role as his slave. So how far have I come towards achieving this ? I think I have come some of the way but probably not as far as I wanted. And that is not his fault, it is my own making.
He has picked out a couple of books for me to read which give an idea of what is expected of people in this type of relationship. I know that what Lxxxxx wants is quite a bit milder than most, and perhaps that should help, but really I would have never got involved if what he was asking for was very extreme.
Some of the things we have done, I have managed OK, others have been more difficult. And I know that there are many more difficulties ahead. But there again, as a slave I shouldn’t really be worrying about anything.
Friday, February 22
Spent the day in Las Vegas. It was a fast drive through the scenic desert, Lxxxxx likes to drive fast just as I do back home. But I’m not relaxing enough. I find it hard to be myself and be his slave at the same time. It is as though if I am trying to be his slave, and thinking that I should be feeling and acting differently. But I don’t know how I should be feeling and acting. And if I try to be myself, then I resent some of the slave stuff. Sometimes I think, what the hell, just forget about everything, about my own comfort, just be his slave. But that doesn’t really work either. I even feel sometimes that he will have to break down my resistance.
When we got back to the hotel, my feet were aching and I was totally confused about everything, but said to him that if he wants to make me his slave, then to please do something. Make me do things. And he did, but I just freaked out big time. My attitude just wasn’t there at all. He couldn’t stand any more, and said that’s it.
I don’t know how long we remained silent, but then he talked to me. And I started to talk, and was able to be quite open with him. And he gave me another chance. Again. We went out for a walk in the evening, and I felt close to him. Still confused though.
Friday, March 1
Started to think that maybe it would work. But my mind is still in turmoil. My emotions are running crazy and my stomach is playing up. What am I going to do ?
Sunday, March 3
A long time since I wrote in my diary, and a lot has happened.
Since my return I have been having serious doubts, and it wasn’t until Friday March 1st when I first had the thought that maybe it would be the right thing to just say ‘What the hell?’, and just go for it. Saturday, too, I was thinking that maybe things would work. I just know that things will never be the same now, and Lxxxxx and I have been through so much already, that it would be such a waste to throw it away now.
This morning I masturbated, which is a good sign. I thought about him using his crop on me, and I did have an orgasm. When I haven’t masturbated for some time, I usually do have an orgasm fairly quickly. At around 2.00 pm the phone went. I wondered if it would be him. We had a talk for a while and then it got intimate, and I was able to help him cum. That part of it all is so nice. During the afternoon I spent some time looking at jobs in the US on the internet. I think there will be a way to get a job. He phoned me again in the evening. When I talk to him, things seem better, but I’m still not certain. However I know that he can’t wait around much longer. Neither can I. It is killing me already. There is some uncertainty about us going to Canada together now, and a faint chance that he may come here to spend a couple of weeks. After being with in Xxxxxxx, I know I like being with my Master, but I just can’t imagine living in the USA. Especially in that city, if one can call it that. Ugly, hot no culture whatsoever, unless you are in cow and horse shit. And so many Mexicans, speaking only in Spanish, might as well be in Mexico. He said he may be willing to move to Canada with me but only if I commit 100%. If we are going to make this work, then that would be a very good idea, because being together is the best thing.
My main problem is that while I was with him I couldn’t relax and by the time I realised that this was the problem, it was too late, and it was time to come home. I felt that being a slave I should feel different, but I didn’t know how I should be feeling, and when he said that I should just relax and be myself, that didn’t seem to work for me either, because then I resented some of the slave stuff. So now it is just a matter of sorting things out in my mind, as well as deciding do I want to be with Lxxxxx or not.
Monday, March 4
I almost thought our relationship was going to end, but Lxxxxx is not prepared to give up. We began to talk about how we can hopefully find a type of relationship with which we both feel comfortable. I felt a lot better after that. I was scared that I would lose him. But he says I will never lose him unless I do something really stupid, but even then will always be a friend for me no matter what.
But now I know that I am no longer his slave. I can’t blame him… Lxxxxx said that he still wants a slave and if I can’t be his, if I want to be with him, I would have to accept a slave!
Tuesday, March 12
It’s been a while since I have written in my diary, and again things have moved on. I think we have both accepted now that M/s in the strictest sense is not going to work for us, although obviously Lxxxxx would still prefer this. But for me, I can’t accept it, at least not right now. Who knows, in the future things may change. So we are going to try something else. Perhaps, I can get used having a slave for his M/s gratification and I be just be his girlfriend, lover for his sexual needs. I know deep down he has feelings for me.
To begin with, we need to spend some time together. And most importantly this time I need to RELAX !!!! So instead of going to Canada in May, Lxxxxx is going to come here. He will arrive on Thursday May 9th, and go home on Sunday May 26th. We will have over 2 weeks together. What we need to do is just spend time together and basically see how things go. Also talk about plans for the future, where we can live, etc. For me, I need to feel comfortable about being with Lxxxxx . I think one of the reasons why I couldn’t feel relaxed before was that I was not really comfortable with the slave thing. It is one thing to fantasize about something, but can be completely different in real life. The trouble is that I still do fantasize about it. Thinking of things like that is still the only way I can have an orgasm when I masturbate. I have been masturbating fairly regularly now for a week or so since I came back. Not every night, mostly at weekends.
Last night, or rather early this morning, Lxxxxx phoned me, and wanted to get a bit intimate. It was strange because I had been wondering whether he would continue to do this or not ? It was so good ! I was really hot afterwards, and lay naked on the bed for a few moments. Then I cooled down, and went back to sleep for a while.
Saturday, March 16
I do believe now that I am feeling so much more relaxed. Mainly it is because there is no pressure to be Lxxxxx ’s slave anymore. However, I do know that this is what he still wants. And that shouldn’t come as any surprise. After all he spent about 2 years looking for one.
He phoned me at 2.00 pm (my time). He had just woken up, and told me about a dream he’d had. We were together, even married maybe, and he had a slave. A slave who would do anything for him, and who was locked away when she wasn’t needed. So one way or another, he will still get his slave.
Well this will make yet another good chapter in his book. I’m sure one day he will write a book about his search for a slave, and his experience on the Internet.
Sunday, March 17
We had another session this afternoon. We talked some more about his fantasy of having both me and a slave. Even though I am practically his slave anyway.
But anyway he wants to see me with another woman. I get turned on by the idea certainly, but I don’t know how I would handle this on a permanent basis. Anyway we can talk about it when he is here.
Tuesday, March 19
3 months since I first wrote to Lxxxxx . That amazing day! But it seems that I have know him so much longer than 3 months.
Had a bit of a “surprise” in the evening, when I discovered that he had his web site up again. Slightly different from the one I responded to. Then “shock horror” there were these photos of me. Very mixed emotions. The photos themselves are lovely – I love all the photos he has taken of me, but I always felt that they were for him only. I never expected that any would find their way onto the Internet. I phoned him, and we had a long talk.
Even though I was upset, Lxxxxx always seems to be able to bring me round and reminded me that there were other photos of his previous slaves too, that would entice any potential applicant.
Wednesday, March 20
I woke up in the morning, and my first thought was how I was still upset about the photos. I don’t know if it is that he put them up without saying anything, or that fact that they are there at all – for everyone to see. I phoned him at his usual time in the morning, and told him that I was still upset. He didn’t take it too well. I got an e-mail later on in the morning at work from him, to say that he was at home today, and that he had modified his site, and that it would now remain that way.
For the rest of the day at work I was wondering what changes he had made. I couldn’t concentrate at work, my stomach was all churned up. I left the office at around 4.00 pm, and needed to talk to him. We had a long chat. He calmed me down, said that he had made some changes to the site, and then we talked. We actually talked some more about his needs for a slave, and that I could still be part of his life if that is what I wanted. He mentioned that we talked about a few days earlier, to check my diary.
I felt so much better after we had talked, and by evening time, I was beginning to feel relaxed again. I did appreciate the changes he has made to his site. He has left the picture on the rocks. I like that picture very much.
I wish we hadn’t had to go through this today. Neither of us can take many more emotional upsets like this. Emotional roller coasters – they’re no good for anyone! So best thing for me is to just relax, forget about the pictures, but support Lxxxxx in his search for a slave who will make him happy. Maybe in time, I will be that slave.
I think we have finally identified the root of my problem. I am neither emotionally or mentally capable of accepting being his slave. Even though the desire is there (and it is there – DEFINITELY), it is not enough by itself, because I am always going to be holding myself back. The one good thing is that we now know the reason. It is always good to be able to understand the reason for things.
Now the pressure is off, I can relax. I don’t have to be his slave right now, but if I want to be part of his life, I have to accept that he wants and needs, and will have, a slave. And I do accept that fact. But what I now have to do is begin to think in these terms, and try to see myself living this type of lifestyle.
Friday, March 22
I’m feeling a lot more relaxed now.
I talked to Lxxxxx in the evening, and he asked whether I had any sessions planned. I said maybe Saturday morning. But after we finished talking, the idea of masturbating was already going round in my mind. And I did have a session – a good one.
My main fantasy at the moment is of being sent to the bathroom, being told to strip, and get into the bath, ready to accept my Master’s pee. And in my fantasy, there I am naked, kneeling in the bath, holding onto the edge, waiting, anticipating. And then he comes in, takes out his cock, and I automatically open my mouth, and he showers me with his delicious pee. On my face, in my mouth, on my tits. I start to rub it into my body, but before I have had chance to do this, he pushes his cock into my mouth. Still tasting his pee, I begin to suck on it, and feel it growing hard inside my mouth. He begins to push it in deeper, until it is pushing against the back of my throat. Then he grabs my hair, and pulls my head closer to him, so that his cock is deep inside my mouth. Then when he is about to cum, he takes it out, and cums on my face and in my mouth.
Lxxxxx phoned me later, and we had an amazing session. He described the things we could do if he had a slave. Afterwards, I just laid in bed for a while. I was flying. Then as I cooled down a little I pulled the covers over me, and still naked I fell asleep. I woke up later, and straight away I needed to masturbate. I imagined Lxxxxx ordering me to masturbate for him, for his pleasure. I fantasized about him controlling me by fixing the time when I could drink, eat and pee. Especially pee. At the fixed time, I had to ask permission, and sometimes he would give it, and at other times he would deny it. And when I was allowed to pee, it would be according to his directions and always in his presence. Sometimes I would have to stand over the loo, and other times pee in the bath. And also would have to stop peeing mid way if that is what he wanted. And not start again until he allowed me to. That is the nearest I can imagine to having my orgasms controlled.
I would still love to have an orgasm with Lxxxxx that is as a direct result of what he is doing or saying to me. I’m sure it will happen one day. But I know that I have to be completely honest with him regarding my fantasies and desires, and have to describe to him what I am fantasising about at the moment when my orgasm comes.
Saturday, March 23
I couldn’t wait to talk to him today. Again in the morning, I masturbated. I talked to him at 3.00 pm, and we had a session again. His imagination has no limits. One thing he described did excite me. And that is being tied, bent over a chair, so he could whip me and then penetrate me. This reminds me of a set of photos I saw on the Internet (from that girl’s site which no longer running), and it has always stayed in my mind.
Since I now know that I don’t have to be his slave, I am so much more relaxed, and will probably even enjoy the real life sessions which we will have when he is here. He wants me to experience things which I have never thought of. I do too. I am surprised at how much I like and fantasise about piss play. I find it so erotic. It makes me feel humiliated, but at the same time aroused, sexy, and desiring so much to please him.
It is interesting to think how it makes him feel. Is it having that power over someone, or knowing that they are willing to humiliate themselves in order to give pleasure ? In fact I do think about the psychology of M/s. When Lxxxxx talks about getting a slave who will just be a toy for his sadism, I sometimes wonder how someone can do this, but I know that there are people out there who want to be simply used in this way and nothing else.
I still have a lot to learn, but as I spend more and more time with Lxxxxx I will learn more about this lifestyle, and obviously get to know him more and more.
Lxxxxx still calls me his slave, and I probably am his slave, even though in reality I’m not. He has enslaved me with his desires, he has pulled me into his world, so much that I can no longer go back to how I was. Also I know that I am dependent on him so much now. Maybe I am his slave, I just do not accept!
Wednesday, March 27
Over the last few days the frequency and intensity of my masturbating has increased. This I think is due to a) the fact that some of the pressure is now off, and b) the recent intimate phone conversations that Lxxxxx and I have had (especially since he first mentioned the idea of getting a female slave to fulfill his needs in that area).
Despite the fact that I am unable at this moment in time to accept being his slave, my fantasies are still based on this idea. In my fantasies I am his slave, and usually just that. My purpose is to serve him and to be used by him. I do not work; I stay in the house. My first function of each day is to serve him as his toilet. When he wakes, I am to go to the bathroom, and be ready kneeling in the bath waiting for him. As he takes his cock in his hand, I automatically open my mouth, and he pees both in my mouth and over my body. I swallow all the pee which enters my mouth. Whenever he wishes to pee, I am ordered to the bathroom. I am always to kneel naked in the bath, although sometimes he will choose to pee in the lavatory, and to use my tongue to wipe his cock afterwards. If he chooses to pee in the lavatory I know what is expected of me. I automatically stick out my tongue for him to wipe his cock on.
I have also had this strange fantasy of having a dildo or something pushed up my ass. Nothing too big, just something to give enough sensation to remind me that not even this part of my body belongs to me anymore. The thought turns me on, although in reality I am almost fearful of being penetrated there. But Lxxxxx once said that the best way to overcome your fears is to face them. Face them all in one go.
Friday, March 29
I have spent some time reading articles on the Internet about consensual slavery. Whether the stories are true or not is not really relevant, as they still make me think. I have read accounts by slaves who still have difficulties. One girl talked about enjoying and needing the feeling of being owned, but still had difficulty submitting, and described herself as a non-submissive slave. Maybe that is partly my problem. I think the things which turn me on the most are related to being owned. For example, being used as an object or being peed on, make me feel humiliated. So what is the difference between being owned and submitting ? And is it possible to still be a slave without submitting ? Also I am interested to know where I stand on the scale of being a slave ? It seems to be accepted that there are various levels of submission, ranging from part-time submissive, to part-time play slave, to part-time real slave, to full-time no limits slave, and several more in between. Where am I on this scale ? Also is it possible to be owned without being a slave ? He has a chart on his site just about this and I know what he truly wants. I wish I could be, I want him, I want to give 110% and I freeze up in his presence.
Lxxxxx sent me a link this evening, so I could get that book. Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual. It should be a good read for me. Also it apparently talks about female domination by other females, and that might give me some idea of whether or not I could dominate another woman. What I think I could do, is get the woman to do things, because unless she did, she would be punished by Lxxxxx , and he would certainly show her no mercy.
Saturday, March 30
This morning at around 7.00 am the phone rang. It was around midnight and Lxxxxx wanted to talk to me. The conversation became intimate, and as soon as it does, I get aroused so very quickly. I described to him how I long for him to pee on me, in my mouth, and to then put his cock back into my mouth, as it becomes hard, and to then fuck me in the mouth, deep, pulling my hair and holding my head close to him so that he can fuck me deep, until he cums. This of course already happened while I was in his home, it is no longer just a fantasy!
Afterwards I slept a little longer, looking forward to when I could phone him at around 7.00 am his time. When I did phone him he had already tried to phone me, but I was on the internet. When I phoned him, I was on the bed wearing only my robe. We talked about how our relationship is going, and both admitted that the distance is a difficulty. If we lived within a few hours of each other, things would have progressed much quicker. We would know each other much better by now.
After a while the conversation became kinky. I love it when Lxxxxx talks about his desires. He said that right now if he had me and another woman he would have one of us sucking on his cock and the other sucking on his toes. I said that I love sucking his toes. And I do. He has such lovely feet, but that is beside the point, I simply like doing it, because I know it gives him pleasure and it is sort of degrading for me but at the same time erotic. I get so turned on thinking about this, and I know that my desires will ultimately drive me to do these things with Lxxxxx when he is here. I said to him that I want to be taught to assume the correct position for him to fuck me from behind. Face down, ass in the air. Also I want him to use his crop on me while in this position.
Lxxxxx really wants me to be his slave, and believes that I have the capability. What he says he needs to do is get me over the barriers that are holding me back, and to make me feel proud of being his slave. The irony is that when I fantasize, I am proud of being his slave, even more so when I am being humiliated.
Sunday, March 31
I masturbated last night. I woke up at around 1.30 am and needed to masturbate. I then fell asleep again, with the jar of Vaseline still between my legs. Woke up again, and masturbated again. I got so wet, so hot. In the morning, I masturbated again. The trouble is that the more I masturbate, the harder it is to get an orgasm, and I didn’t orgasm at all this time.
Although I didn’t orgasm, here is my fantasy from this morning :
My Master is sat at his dining table. On top of the table is his crop. I am completely naked wearing only my collar. He orders me to come to him, to stand before him and spread my legs. He then takes his crop and places it between my legs, and starts to rub it backwards and forwards. I am very wet, and it moves easily between my legs. He then places it with precision between my pussy lips so that it is pressing against my clit and my whole sex. He then applies more pressure and keeps it there. The feeling is intense and I want to let out a scream, but I hold it back. I want to show my Master that I can take his pain. He then asks me who I belong to, and I say that I belong to you Master. He says that he wants me to know that I belong to him, that he owns every part of my body. After a while he releases the pressure on my pussy, and the muscles of my body relax. For the rest of the day I can still feel the crop pressing against my pussy flesh. The next day I am again ordered to stand before him, legs spread. From the look on my face, he can read my thoughts, and he says, yes my slave, this will be part of the daily process of learning who you belong to. And he places the crop in the same position, and presses it hard against my pussy. Because of the pain from yesterday, the sensation is almost unbearable. My Master knows this but he keeps the crop firmly placed against my pussy. I can do nothing, except endure the pain. After a while he releases the pressure, but I know that I will have to endure the pain again tomorrow.
Some fantasy, but how would I manage in reality? Is this even possible? Is a crop the right implement for this? Would it hurt too much, or maybe not enough ? Sometimes though I do believe that I will need such treatment to change my way of thinking. If only we didn’t have this distance between us. Things would be so much different by now. Lxxxxx would have had much more opportunity to work on me, change me bit by bit. Not really break me, because he doesn’t want to do that, but give me the chance to develop as his slave out of my own free will.
But will I ever be his slave ? He says that even though I can’t accept it, I am anyway. And it is true. He has enslaved me with his desires, and has released my desires. It is like the lid of a box which has been closed tightly for so many years has suddenly been let open. And all the desires are now pouring out. It is a really wonderful feeling.
Lxxxxx has said that he thinks of me as his slave only during sessions. And I know that I can do this. Because the pressure to be his total slave has gone, I can now relax, and even during a session I can enjoy it, even if it is painful. In fact I actually want the sessions to be more intense. As long as it is giving him pleasure then I want to try so many things.
