Feeling closer…

Saturday, June 1

I am feeling closer to my Master. Before I left for mum and dad’s, I sent an e-mail card to Lxxxxx.  The card said that only he intoxicates my soul, only he brings be bliss.  And it’s true.

I had a difficult journey – especially the first part, because of the traffic.  The weather was nice though – similar to when Lxxxxx and I went up to Wales and Xxxxxxxx.  I arrived there at around 2.00 pm.  At 3.00 pm I went upstairs to phone Lxxxxx on my mobile.  He had woken up a while ago, and had already seen my card.  It was really nice to hear him.

The rest of the day was spent relaxing.  I was talking with my mum about Lxxxxx, and our plans.  I have to sometimes be careful about what I say.  But it is surprising how much I can say without giving too much away.  At least mum knows that I am happy with Lxxxxx.

We had dinner at around 7.00 pm.  After that mum and I went for a brief walk.  Before going to bed, I phoned Lxxxxx.  It was about 11.20 pm here (3.10 pm his time).  He had just got in and was far from happy.  He had wanted to do some ironing, and had discovered that the iron had got broken  Also it had been so hot over there today.  He said that 100F in the garage seemed cool compared to outside.  I really didn’t know what to say.  When I am with him, and say he gets angry or upset over something, how should I behave or react?  Should I just listen to him, or try to calm him down?  As his slave, his companion, or whatever, what should I do?  My natural instincts would be to help him relax and calm down.

Sunday, June 2

I slept OK, but I know I was dreaming.  In the morning I could only remember parts of my dreams, but I do remember dreaming about Lxxxxx.  A few days ago, Lxxxxx said that I should start masturbating again at the weekend – once in the morning, and once before going to sleep.  This morning I did masturbate for him.  I used the jar of Vaseline between my legs and fantasised.

I imagined how I was dressed for my Master.  I was wearing white stockings, with nice lace around the tops.  Nice high-heeled white shoes.  And a nice white corset which pushed my breasts up, but left them completely exposed.  I was wearing a collar – not the usual black one, but a smaller one made form stainless steel or something, but it too had rings on it, so my Master could restrain me if he needed, or attach my leash.  I was imagining that for several hours he kept me on the floor.  I was either sitting in the proper position on the floor, or displaying myself for him, or when he allowed me to, laying at his feet, or kneeling with my mouth near his cock, gently licking and sucking on his balls, while he held the leash, guiding my mouth.

At about 1.50 pm, mum and I went out for a walk, and also to buy some vegetables to make a lasagne for dinner.  We also went into a shop which sells pictures, cards and gifts, etc.  They also did picture framing.  I enquired about prices, etc.  There was certainly a good choice of frames.  I’ll also check a couple of places in Xxxxxxxxxxxx.  I bought a card there to send to Lxxxxx.  I didn’t have a watch on, and was wondering what time it was.  I wanted to be home for 3.00 pm to phone Lxxxxx.  When we got back, it was just after 2.45 pm.  I went upstairs and got part undressed.  I had a T-shirt on.  At 3.00 pm I phoned him – my heart thumping as usual, as I waited for him to answer.  He had been awake for a while, and was already fixing up his digital photos.  I asked him whether he was feeling better than yesterday.  He said that he was, but was still feeling annoyed that one of his shirts have been spoiled. 

Lxxxxx said that he was missing me – missing me sucking his cock, licking his anus, putting my tongue inside his anus, licking his feet, sucking his toes.  And I miss doing all these things for my Master too.  I miss giving him a massage, and then being allowed to suck and lick his toes, and display my cunt (His cunt) for him.  While I am doing this, I do lose myself, and truly nothing else matters, than worshipping him, and displaying myself for his pleasure.

He said that looking at some of the photos had given him a hard-on, and as soon as he said that, I could feel myself starting to get wet.  He said to tell him if my pussy was wet.  I said it was, and he then said to put 3 fingers in there, and to imagine it was his cock.  Soon I was very wet.  He then said to imagine that I was kneeling before him, naked, wearing my collar.  My hands were tied behind my back and he had put clamps on my nipples.  He was standing before me, and pushing his cock into my mouth.  He was holding my head, moving it up and down on his cock, pulling my hair, and pushing his cock so deeply to the back of my throat that I was almost choking, but not letting up at all, intent on having his pleasure.  And while he was doing that, another slave was kneeling down behind him, licking his anus.  Then when he was ready to cum, he would cum all over my face, and have the other slave lick it off.  But she wasn’t allowed to swallow it.  My Master would let me lick out every last drop from inside her mouth with my tongue.

As he talked to me he said that I must learn to want all these things, and although I do long for his cum, I must long for it in the way that he wants.  He made me swear to it, and say that nothing else matters but his pleasure.  My Master then wanted me to talk to him and make him cum.  I said that I would beg him to let me taste his pee, beg him to pee all over me, and how I crave his cum, but know that to have his cum is a privilege, and that I will gladly lick it up, even up off the floor.  When he came it was lovely – I hope I pleased him, and made him feel good.  When we had calmed down a little, we talked some more about what we were both planning to do today.  I’ll call him again before I go to bed.

During the evening I had a bath and shaved everywhere.  I know when I came home from Xxxxxxx I didn’t shave for a while, but now I am shaving as if Lxxxxx were here.  I especially like to shave if I know that I will be talking with him. 

When I went up to bed, I phoned him from the back bedroom, on my mobile phone.  When he answered he was still doing some of his digital photos.  He said he could do with some cock-sucking right now, and if I was there he would have me suck him.  He said I would be on the floor, underneath his computer table, and as he continued to work on his photos, I would lick and suck on his cock and his balls.  He then said that when he wanted a drink he would send me to the kitchen to fetch him whatever he wanted.  When I returned, I would resume my position and continue sucking him.  Then when he wanted to take a pee, he would take me to the bath tub, and use my mouth to piss in.  I got so very turned on.  Lxxxxx was close to cumming, and soon he came, as I was telling him how I long for his cum, and want to taste it so much.  It took a few minutes to calm down. 

The idea of this does turn me on a lot, and he says that he wants me to be turned on, but reminded me that my sexuality belongs to him.  I have to learn that Lxxxxx may do things which he knows turn me on, but he may also do things that don’t.  Either way I will have to do everything to please him

I can imagine that after being treated like this for a couple of hours or so, I would sink into a state of complete submission, I think.  But I have yet to experience this.  The thing is that Lxxxxx has never really put me in this position for any length of time.  Even on the “slave” day which we had here, he gave me lots of breaks because I was freaking out. Actually it is my fault a bit. Lxxxxx is showing a lot of patience but I know it will run out sooner or later….

Tuesday, June 4

At about 2.30 am the phone rang.  It was Lxxxxx  He must have been home for an hour or so.  He said that he was going to be having his dinner soon.  It was really nice to hear from him.  I was a bit restless afterwards, but I did go back to sleep.

Holiday again today.  Back in my own bed, I woke up at around 8.30 am.  Within a few minutes I was up, and preparing to masturbate for my Master.  I used another of my toys that I haven’t used for ages – the butt plug.  Not having used it for a while, the feeling was more intense.  I then put a peg on each nipple and laid on my stomach with one of the smaller vibrators across my cunt, with the tip on my clit. 

Because of the butt plug, I was fantasising that my Master had decided that as part of my training, I would be naked, wearing only my collar and a butt plug, and serve him like this for several days.  First thing in the morning, my Master would inspect me, and then as I bent over so that he could inspect my anus, he would insert the butt plug, and I would thank him.  Imagining this was so intense, that I had an orgasm.  Just as I felt the orgasm starting, I managed to ask out loud for permission to have an orgasm.  And then thanked my Master.  To thank him more, I got out of bed, took the pegs off, and the butt plug, and put 4 pegs on my pussy lips.  I got down on the floor, said my oath, then stayed in the face down, ass up, position for 10 minutes.  It is some time since I have done this, and after about 7 minutes or so, I was starting to feel uncomfortable, but I remained still for another 3 minutes.  I then got onto my hands and knees (table position) and held that position for a further 10 minutes.  I then got into the submission position again, and said my oath.  Even after that I stayed in that position for a few minutes, thinking about Lxxxxx.  I then got up, and took off the pegs.  I miss him so much.

I then had breakfast (my porridge, as my Master calls it).  As it was a sunny morning, I took advantage of it.  I washed the car and cleaned it inside.  Then I cut the lawn at the back, and trimmed part of the hedge.  It was then going up to 12.00.  I had a bath, a good shave, and washed my hair.  Then when I was all nice and clean I laid on the bed for 15 minutes or so.  I finished reading the book on SM which I got from that fetish fair we went to.  It was informative and interesting, but not all of it was relevant.  But for £5 it was OK.  I will start reading the book ‘The Clitoral Truth’ which said my oath brought for me.  When he was here I read the introduction. 

At 1.30 I phoned said my oath.  He hadn’t had a very good night.  His stomach had been troubling him badly, and then he had been having some nightmares.  But at least he said that his stomach had settled down now. 

I went upstairs to phone said my oath at 9.00 pm.  As usual I was starting to get a bit worked up at the prospect of talking with him.  But there was no answer.  I tried again at 9.15 pm – but still nothing.  It was such a disappointment at not being able to talk with him.  But I know that he can’t always be there.  I went back downstairs and sent him an e-mail card saying that I would phone again when I went to bed.  At about 10.45 pm I went up to bed and phoned him.  It was lovely when he answered.  He said that he had been away form his desk at a meeting.  We talked for a while about his work, the Internet and such things.  Then he let me go.

I hadn’t yet masturbated this evening.  Immediately after talking with him I just wanted to curl up and imagine laying in bed, curled up close to my Master, with my mouth near his balls.  But my Master has said that I should now be masturbating twice a day, so I did.  I used a couple of pegs on my nipples and 2 on my pussy lips, and put the tip of one of the small vibrators on my clit.  Because I had just shaved that evening, I fantasised about how my body should look for my Master, imagining myself naked before him.  All body hair should be removed – from the cunt, ass, legs, arms, underarms, fingers, toes – everywhere.  The skin should be kept smooth and soft.  Fingernails and toenails should be well kept and freshly polished.  Lips should always be painted red, even when I am not wearing any other make-up.  As I was imagining myself like this, I then had the fantasy again about how my Master, on a whim, decided that my hair on my head should also be removed, and how he instructed me to see to it that day and present myself to him in the evening.  In my fantasy I accepted this with no argument, knowing that I have no choice, and that my body belongs to him, to do with as he wishes.  As I was imagining how this makes me feel, I started to cum.  I asked my Master out loud for permission to cum.  The orgasm was quite intense – going on for 6 or 7 contractions.  I thanked my Master for the orgasm.  I think this turns me on because it is so humiliating and degrading.  However a true slave would be only too pleased to do this to please and obey her Master. 

I then settled to go to sleep, although it seemed a while before I went off to sleep.

Wednesday, June 5

Lxxxxx phoned me when he got home.  It was about 1.15 am, my time.  He asked me what I was.  I replied that I was his slave.  He said that he had received my e-mails, and mentioned that my diary entry for Tuesday was incomplete.  I said that I would be updating it today.  He then said that he was just phoning me to say that he was home, and to remind me of what I am.  He then said bye, and for me to go back to sleep.  I was a bit restless after that, but I did fall asleep.  I think I woke up during the night.  I was missing him, and getting a bit aroused too.  It has been fairly warm these last couple of nights, and I have slept naked (usually when alone I sleep wearing a T-shirt or something because of the colder nights).  Being naked and feeling the bed covers against my body felt quite sexy.  Plus I was imagining Lxxxxx being here too.  Feeling him wrap his legs around mine.

At just after 6.00 am, my Master phoned me again.  As usual, he had surprised me.  He said to stick 3 fingers inside my cunt.  He then said to start fucking myself, imagining that it was his cock.  I became very wet so very quickly.  He said that I will learn to worship his cock properly, and live for it.  He said that on some days I will suck on his cock all day.  When he cums I will swallow his cum, and then continue sucking him.  And when he wants to pee, he will pee straight into my mouth.  I will swallow it, and continue sucking him.  He said that I want to be used as a cunt, don’t I?  I said yes.

My Master had me say my oath, and then said that I must live up to it.  He said that my cunt lips will be pierced to show that my cunt belongs to him, and he made me beg for it.  He reminded me that it belongs to him, and that he can do with it as he wishes.  He can penetrate it with anything he wants.  And he made me say so.  He also said that he will whip my ass, so that whenever I sit down, it will hurt, and I will know that I belong to him.  He then had me continue fucking myself hard, and to imaging being pierced, and being able to feel it as I fucked myself.

My Master then gave me instructions as to what I had to do today.  He said that I would go to work today wearing no panties, and that I would wear a skirt.  I was to take one of the small vibrators with me, and insert it in my cunt, and drive home like that.  When I got back home I was to insert a butt plug, and keep it there until I went to bed.

He then wanted me to make him cum, and I said to him that I long for his cum, and for his pee, and to feel them both on my body, and in my cunt and to taste him.  (The idea of being ‘scented’ by him is so erotic).  When he came, he still had me continue fucking myself, until he said bye, and that he would talk to me later.  (Apologies if I have left out anything).

Afterwards I was so hot, my body was dripping wet, even my hair.  My pussy too was so very wet.  This session had been a little more heavy than others.  I went to the bathroom, soaked a facecloth and wiped myself.  I then came back to bed for a while.  I didn’t sleep, but lay curled up thinking about my Master and how he makes me feel.  Later I got up and got myself ready for work.  I wore my longish brown skirt – no panties.  Although when Lxxxxx was here I spent the majority of the time without panties (or bra), a lot of that time I was wearing jeans.  Wearing a skirt is different.  Sitting is OK, but when standing or walking, I am very aware of my nakedness under my skirt.  I feel as it I am naked from the waist down.  I felt very vulnerable also, but aroused too.  I put a vibrator in a bag in the car for later.

During the morning I was thinking about how I am going to feel wearing a butt plug all evening.  The most I have used one before is for about 30 minutes.  I imagine that I will do different things during the evening – less relaxing around the place, and being more focussed on the things I have to do, and will feel that I belong to him. 

Afterwards I was thinking about how Lxxxxx wants to have me pierced.  To me this is the final commitment.  Whether I am his proper slave or not, I think he still wants me to be pierced.  I hope I can get to the point some day when I want it too.  The same goes for the tattoo.  Because it’s not really something that should be done if you’re not 100% sure.  The trouble is that we’re not yet together, and I haven’t yet got to that stage.  But I think I’m getting there.  I do feel closer to him all the time, and the bonding process is continuing. 

I left work just before 5.00 pm.  When I got to the car, I slipped the vibrator into my cunt, switched on high.  I then drove first of all to the supermarket.  It made me drive more carefully.  Also I thought to myself that he is controlling me from 6000 miles away.  He tells me to do something, and I do it.  When I got to the supermarket, I took it out.  I then went to do my shopping.  As I walked around the supermarket, I thought to myself that I am wearing no panties, and my pussy is wet.  I then got a lottery ticket using the numbers which Lxxxxx had chosen, then returned to the car.  I put the vibrator back inside my cunt.  As I was driving home, I felt even more so that my sexuality was being controlled.  When I parked the car at home, I took the vibrator out.  Once I had unpacked the shopping, put it away, etc, I went upstairs.  I undressed and went to the loo.  I then got the largest butt plug (this is better in one way, as it is the only one that will stay in without anything to hold it in place.  The others are OK, if I am to wear one, and stay in a position, and hold it in place using my muscles).  I put it in at 6.00 pm, and as I did so, I knew that it was going to be there for a minimum of 4 hours.

I then came downstairs and started to work on my diary.  I also checked my e-mail and sent a card to Lxxxxx .  It is now just after 8.00 pm.  The butt plug has been in place for over 2 hours now.  It will stay there for a further 2 hours.  It doesn’t feel uncomfortable, but I can feel it all the time – more so when I walk around.  But just sitting at the computer I am very much aware of it, and also of the fact that it is there because I have been told to put it there.  It makes me feel aroused, but more so it makes me feel humiliated.  It is such a private part.  And to be penetrated like this is an intense feeling.  Right now, if my Master was here, I would so easily become very submissive before him.  Being naked before him with a butt plug inserted, I would almost enjoy the humiliation and would long to please and serve him. 

I keep getting twinges inside my anus, as if I am going to have an orgasm or something.  Maybe this is one way in which my Master will be able to make me have an orgasm, and then be able to control them.  I have noticed that when I have an orgasm with a butt plug inserted, I can feel the vibrations right up inside my ass.

I wonder if Lxxxxx had Jxxxxx do these kind of things.  Possibly not, because it sounds as if she never had any problem with understanding who she belonged to.  Is this what Lxxxxx is trying to do to me?  Make me understand that I belong to him, and that he can control me even from such a distance?  I think it is working.

I know that when I take this butt plug out, I am still going to be able to feel it. 

At just before 9.00 pm I went upstairs to phone my Master.  I got naked on the bed, laid on my stomach, with the butt plug still there.  But he wasn’t there.  I tried again after about 10 minutes.  Still no answer.  I then phoned again at just after 9.20 pm.  He was there, but said could I call back in 5 minutes, as he was taking another call.  I waited until 9.30 pm, then phoned him.  It was so nice talking with him.  He didn’t say anything about the ‘situation’ I was in.  I suppose that sort of talk is not for times at the office.  He said he is missing me too.  He said tomorrow to check up on his glasses, and to try to find out about the book.  Also to see what I could do about checking into what he would have to do to move here.

After we hung up, I came downstairs, and checked the lottery numbers.  No luck unfortunately.  I then cut the stamps off the old letters I had come across yesterday.  All the different ones, plus a selection of the normal ones. 

It is about 22.50 pm now.  I will go upstairs now and take the butt plug out and have a quick bath before going to bed.  The plug will have been in for almost 5 hours.  I feel pleased that I have done this for my Master.  It does make me feel closer to him!

I had a nice bath and shaved myself.  It wasn’t until I got into bed that I felt a sudden release from the day.  All day long I had to some extent been controlled by my Master.  Now I was feeling the emotional come-down.  During the day I have been more focussed.  After relaxing for 15 minutes or so, I wondered whether I should be masturbating or not.  I had become wet during the evening already – almost like masturbation.  But I thought that I should, and I did want to masturbate for him.  I used the large vibrator inside my pussy, and one of the smaller ones on my clit.  I then laid on my stomach and fantasised.

I imagined being my Master’s slave, and being marked as his slave.  Although I had taken the butt plug out, I could still “feel” it, and I was fantasising that I was kneeling before him, with a butt plug in my ass, wearing only my collar.  He said that I was his property, to be used as he sees fit.  He told me that my body belongs to him, and that he will use it any way he wishes.  He then had me get on the floor and serve him as a foot-rest.  I got so very wet imagining this – crouched on the floor, staying perfectly still, feeling the weight of my Master’s feet on me, and at the same time feeling all those sensations in my ass.

Thursday, June 6

4 weeks ago, Lxxxxx was on his way here. 

I woke up this morning at about 6.00 am, thinking that this time yesterday my Master phoned me.  I wondered what he was doing right now.  I must have drifted back off to sleep, because the alarm clock woke me up at 7.00 am.  I was missing him so much and I wanted to masturbate for my Master.  I used the jar of Vaseline between my legs, and used 2 small vibrators on my nipples.  As I rubbed my bare ass on the bed covers, I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to feel his crop again.  The marks from my Master’s crop and whip have almost gone now.  The bruising has gone – all that is left are faint outlines from the crop.  How I long for some more to be put there.  And I do want to feel his crop and whip again, but only if it gives him pleasure.  I know that when he was here, Lxxxxx said he did it mainly for my benefit.  I wish that I had controlled myself more, resisted the urge to cry out, and kept still.  In that book on SM it says that the best thing is to allow yourself to just go with the flow, not to fight it. 

When I got up, I firstly got on the floor, and said my oath.  I then got ready for work.

The morning at work passed OK, and just before 1.30 I went to the car, to phone Lxxxxx .  When he answered he said that he had a headache, mainly due to being upset over things at work yesterday.  Thankfully, it was nothing to do with anything I’ve done.  He was being given a hard time by this Gxxxxxx, at work who is now having to do the job herself, and trying to blame Lxxxxx for her own inadequacies.  I felt a bit helpless, here, unable to make him feel better.  If I was with him, I would be able to be there for him, so he can talk and let it all out.  Sometimes all that somebody wants, is to be able to talk to someone, and know that that person is listening to them and is always there for them. 

I do miss Lxxxxx so very much, and I have made a promise to myself that everyday I will endeavour to do something positive to get us together.  Today I have photocopied some of the certificates I need.  Tomorrow I’ll do the rest.  Also I have got a phone number to ring regarding UK immigration.  The best time to phone is probably first thing in the morning before the lines get too busy (or are engaged).

In the early evening I had a bath, and shaved again!  It is true that smells and aromas can be very strong reminders of people and places.  That liquid soap which Lxxxxx brought, reminds me so much of when we had a bath together, and when I would wash him.  And in particular his feet.  When I use the soap, and close my eyes, I can imagine washing his feet, remembering the feel of them in my hands and as I held them against my body.  His toes, the shape of his feet, and the smoothness of the skin. 

I phoned Lxxxxx in the evening.  He was feeling a little better than first thing in the morning.  It was so nice to hear his voice.  Sometimes it is like his words are gentle caresses.  At other times when we talk his words can be so more stern and severe, and at other times so erotic.  He said that he hadn’t been able to write to me because of everything that he is having to deal with at work.  I understand, and really I shouldn’t expect anything from him.  After we talked, I curled up on the bed for a while, thinking of him.

When I went to bed, I masturbated for him.  I used the large vibrator inside my pussy, and one of the smaller ones on my clit.  I fantasised about how Lxxxxx described at the weekend, how he would have me suck him all day long.  I fantasised that my Master kept me naked on the floor all day, and that I would be used as he pleased.  He would put his cock in my mouth whenever he wished, and I would suck on it.  And when he wanted to pee, he would give the command to go to the bathroom, and wait for him.  He would then use my mouth as his toilet.  After finishing, I would lick his cock, then return to the floor at my Master’s side, offering my mouth to him, begging to be allowed to suck him. 

Friday, June 7

Apologies if today’s entry is a bit all over the place.

The phone rang – it was about 1.15 am.  Lxxxxx said what was I?  A little warily, I said I was his slave.  Then he went on “Then there are some things you need to learn about ….” or something like that.  I first thought that he had read my diary for the last couple of days and that I had done something terribly wrong.  But it wasn’t really anything like that.  He had collected all the photos, and was saying that I had messed some of them up.  Even some of the ones he had taken of me weren’t so good of me.  I can’t understand why I have so much problem with taking photographs and being photographed when I’m around Lxxxxx .  All to do with nerves I think.  But the thing is in the past I have been able to take photos OK – albeit with my own camera.  And I usually look OK on photos too – most of the time.  So why is it so hard with Lxxxxx ?  Yes, I’m nervous anyway – and I’m not really familiar with the camera.  Maybe when I am with him next I’ll have to say, can he please spend a bit of time showing me more about camera, how to hold it correctly, etc, and then take some practice shots.  The same with the digital camera.  He is always getting me to use that, but I don’t really know how to use it to it’s best.

But it’s the fact that I got so upset that worries me.  When I talked to him during the evening on Wednesday and Thursday it was so nice, and then this came like a bolt from the blue.  It is certainly true that with just a few words, Lxxxxx can either make me feel elated or make me feel so bad.  When he said bye, I was upset, but mainly stunned.  I couldn’t even cry.  I just lay motionless, with all sorts of emotions bubbling up inside me.  After 20 minutes or so, I curled up, but my stomach was starting to churn, and I was still upset.

I think he knew that I was upset, and I thought surely he wouldn’t want me to be upset all night.  So I took a chance and phoned him back.  He talked to me for a while, saying that he didn’t want to upset me, he was just saying how things were.  And no, he wasn’t yelling at me, or calling me stupid, but nevertheless I didn’t feel too good about myself.  I said to him that I feel inadequate sometimes.  And things like this don’t help, because I already feel inadequate around him most of the time.  I’m not very confident about myself lately.  I compare myself to other women he has been with, and wonder too about the fact that he needs somebody else.  But he says he doesn’t want me to have any psychological problems with feeling inadequate.  But I do feel insecure still.

As we talked some of the emotion was coming to the surface, and I started to cry a bit.  It was about 2.15 when we hung up.  I was still shaking and cried some more.  But the emotions needed to come out.  I then calmed down a bit, made myself a blackcurrant tea and took it back to bed with me.  I read a bit until my eyes were so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open.  I had about 4 hours sleep.  I woke up at about 7.00 am with the bedside lamp still on.  I still felt a bit low and subdued.

It would be easy to say, well if I was better at taking photos, this wouldn’t have happened.  But I would still be left with the fact that I am sometimes nervous around him.  Maybe it is this that I should be concerned with.  Shouldn’t it be getting better by now?  And this time in England, I thought that I was more relaxed.  The trouble is that when we are here, I am supposedly less tense than when I’m with him in his house.  When we are here, Lxxxxx leaves me to it in the kitchen, and I’m more relaxed.  I don’t have to worry about putting things back in the wrong place.

The main problem is because it’s him!  Anybody else and I wouldn’t get upset over things.  He has a unique effect on me.  I think he does understand this a little.  But maybe I should stop trying to analyse things.  I think I do analyse things too much.  As Lxxxxx keeps saying, the key is to relax, relax, relax!!!!

I phoned him at his usual time.  He sounded a bit different.  He asked how I was, and said that when I get upset, he gets upset.  That’s the last thing I want to do.  I sometimes expect to get upset because of the nature of the relationship, but I don’t want him to get upset too.  He said he’ll be waiting for my call later in the afternoon.

At home in the evening, I checked my e-mail.  I was hoping that he might have sent me something.  He said to not take his criticism too seriously, that his comments were meant to help, and to not cry or freak out over things. 

I phoned him at 9.00 pm (1.00 pm his time).  He was really nice to me, telling me to relax, and that things will turn out alright in the end.  We talked for a while, and he made me feel so much better.  He says that he has sent off some photographs for me.  I really hope that Lxxxxx receives some mail from me soon.  He should have something today or tomorrow.

I didn’t really masturbate tonight, but later when I was going to have a bath, I put on some relaxing sensual music.  I felt a lot more calm and peaceful, and I got into my submission position, and said my oath. Lxxxxx is right, this does help to focus when I’m having a difficult time.  After 5 minutes or so, I got up onto my hands and knees.  I realised that I was getting wet, and felt myself.  I then put 3 fingers deep inside, and fucked myself, imagining that it was my Master’s cock.  I then stood at the bottom of the bed, spread my legs wide as if they were tied to the bed posts, and bent over.  I was then imagining feeling my Master’s crop on my ass.

Saturday, June 8

I woke up at about 8.30 am, and started to masturbate for my Master.  I used the butt plug (it’s so sensuous), with the large vibrator on my clit, and laid on my stomach.  I fantasised that I was my Master’s slave, and I was being inspected by him.  I stood with my legs about 18” apart, with my arms up above my head.  He was very thorough in his inspection.  He checked that my body was clean and that there was no hair present.  Firstly, with my arms still up above my head, he checked my cunt.  He slid 2 fingers inside to check that it was clean, and then checked all around it to make sure that all the hair had been removed.  Then he checked my legs, toes, toenails and underarms.  He then told me to lower my arms, and he felt them to make sure they were smooth.  He then checked my nails, make-up, hair.  He then walked around me, and ordered me to bend over.  He then checked my ass, to see that it was clean and that all hair had been removed.  He left me in that position for a minute or 2, then inserted a butt plug into my ass.  He said that I was to keep it there until he told me otherwise.  Because I had stuck one in, this turned me on more.  The physical feeling is intense, but the psychological feeling is greater.  I really feel like I am being controlled.  I had an orgasm as I was imagining this being inserted in me, knowing that it was going to be there for some time, but not knowing how long exactly.  The orgasm went on for 5 or 6 contractions, and I could feel it in my ass too.  From reading that book on the clitoris, I now understand why I get sensations in my ass when I have an orgasm.  This is because the nerves in the anus/rectum are connected to those in the clitoris.  But certainly the feelings are greatly enhanced when the anus is penetrated like this.  Just as the orgasm came, I asked my Master for permission, and thanked him afterwards.

I got myself ready and went to Birmingham.  Before I left, I checked the mail.  There was just one item – a square shaped envelope – from Lxxxxx .  It felt like there was something in it.  I opened it, and smiled when I saw the CD.  In Birmingham, I checked at the opticians first to see what the situation was with Lxxxxx ’s sunglasses.  The earliest is now Monday.  I will phone Monday lunchtime, and if they are ready I’ll collect them. Lxxxxx has said that it is best now to have them delivered on Friday morning, no later than 10.30 am.  He will be home until then.  I got back from Birmingham at about 2.00 pm.  I was going to phone him at 3.00 pm.  I was planning to get the rest of the photocopying of the documents and certificates that I need for my Canadian application.  I got all my education certificates together, then spent some time looking at the photographs.  I looked at as many as I could in the time.  I liked them, especially the ones at Castell Bram, where I got chained up, and those at the grave yard by the church door. 

At about 2.50 I went upstairs, got undressed and laid on the bed.  At 3.00 pm I phoned him.  When he answered I started to feel aroused, maybe a bit nervous too.  He said why was I nervous.  I said I’m just excited.  He said that he wants me to be excited.  I said that I had received the CD of the digital photos.  He said that some were good, but that when I take a photo, I mustn’t let my hand shake.  Also I must learn to say when I am about to take the photo, so Lxxxxx knows.  (He says I messed up a couple at the Cutty Sark – I hadn’t actually looked at those yet).  He expects improvement here.

He asked me where I was, and I said that I was on the bed.  He said that he presumed that I was naked.  I said that I was.  My Master then said to put on my collar, so that I knew what I was, and that I belonged to him.  Whenever I wear my collar, it is to remind me that I am his slave.  My Master said that from now on whenever I phone him when I am alone at home, I am to first put on my collar.  He then said to lay on my back, put my legs up, and feel my cunt for him.  I did so, and it was so wet.  He said to put 2 fingers in there.  He asked me if I had masturbated yet.  I said that I had, and he asked what was my fantasy.  Hesitating slightly, I began to tell him that I was stood before him, and he was inspecting me.  My Master then began to say how I should stand, legs slightly apart, and then said that he would crop me hard if he found any body hair on me.  And that he would crop the place where there was hair.  If it was on my arms, he would crop my arms; if it was on my toes, he would crop my toes.  When I said that I imagined him inserting a butt plug, he said that he knows it turns me on, and to get it (the large one) and put it in.  I went to the bathroom, used some lubricant, and put it in.  He asked me how it felt.  I said that it is sexy, and feels like I am being controlled.  My Master then said that he does control me, and said that you like to be controlled don’t you?  Yes, I said.  And you like to be humiliated don’t you?  Again I said yes, Master.  And you like to be used don’t you?  Yes, I do want to be used by him, and humiliated too.  He asked me what else I like.  I said I like to kiss and suck his cock, and lick and suck his feet.  My Master said that he knows how much I like to do that, and said that I have a real fetish for licking his feet.  (There are some photos of me licking his feet in London). 

As I continued to fuck myself with 2 fingers, my Master said to imagine that I was licking on of his feet, and presenting my cunt to him, so that he could fuck me with the other foot.  He would fuck me deep and hard, and it would hurt, because I was quite tight.  He said that that would be so good.  It would please him, and said that I want to please him, don’t I.  I said yes, yes so much.  I imagined him doing this, and fucked myself with my fingers harder.  

When we had calmed down, we talked some more.  Lxxxxx told me about his day at work yesterday and how he had “buried” Gxxxxxx.  He said that she said he was mean and sadistic to her.  Like the devil!!  He admitted that he was mean, and that he enjoyed it, because he doesn’t care for her.  I enjoyed talking with him so much.  Before we hung up, he paused for a moment, and then said that I could take off my collar, but that I was to keep the butt plug in place until I was ready to go out to do my photocopying.  Also I was to wear a skirt – no panties, so that when I sat down I would know whom I belonged to. 

It was now about 3.45.  I wasn’t planning to go to the office until around 5.00.  So I did a bit of tidying up, and I vacuumed the carpets.  All the time I had the butt plug still in place.  I really feel like I am being controlled.  When it got to around 5.00 pm, I got myself ready to go out.  I then took the plug out.  It had been there for about 2 hours, and even after I took it out, I could still feel it.  I thanked my Master for giving me these sensations.  My pussy was wet (so was my anus).  I cleaned them up, and went out.  I wore a wrap-around skirt.  After I had done the photocopying, I went to the supermarket to get some fruit.  I enjoy going shopping with Lxxxxx so much.  I missed him.  As I walked around the supermarket, I felt aroused, knowing that I was naked under my skirt.  Afterwards I went for a quick drive.  I parted my skirt to show my legs, imagining that my Master was with me, offering my legs, my cunt to him.  When I got back, my pussy was wet.  I felt it deeply with my fingers.

I talked to my mum on the phone for about an hour, which meant that I didn’t have my dinner until fairly late.  I then had a few things to do before going to bed.  Finally I was ready for bed.  I put on my collar and lay naked on the bed and phoned my Master.  He had spent some of the afternoon working on the photographs.  He said that he had prepared a special photograph.  He didn’t say what it was exactly but that I would like it, and that he was going to send it to me.  He asked me if I was naked and wearing my collar, and I said that I was.  He was really nice to me, and said that I should sleep now – take off my collar and go to sleep, and he wished me sweet dreams.

Sunday, June 9

In the morning I masturbated for my Master.  I used pegs on my nipples, and the large vibrator on my clit.  I imagined that I was my Master’s pet.  I was wearing only a collar and leash.  I was not allowed to use the toilet.  Instead I had a litter tray which I was to use to pee and shit.  I was to clean it out too, and ask permission before doing so.  As my Master ate, I would sit on the floor at his feet.  I was to eat always in the kitchen from a bowl placed on the floor.  My Master would choose my food for me, and would sometimes add a special ingredient – his pee.  This was placed on the floor and along side it a bowl filled with my Master’s pee.  He would then give the order to either eat or drink.  If he gave the order to eat, I would eat from the bowl using only my mouth.  When given the order to drink, I would lap up his pee.  My Master would stand over me holding my leash until all the food and pee was eaten and drunk.  Then with the taste of his pee in my mouth, I would continue to please him as his pet.  I had an orgasm imagining eating this way.  Afterwards I got down onto the floor in my submission position.  I said my oath and thanked my Master for the orgasm.

During the morning I finished tidying and cleaning up the house.  It hadn’t been done properly since Lxxxxx was here.

At about 2.00 pm I ran a bath.  I shaved all over – underarms, legs, pussy (I used a new razor here to get a good smooth shave), and this time I also did my feet, toes, arms and hands.  I felt different – completely shaved.  I then washed with Lxxxxx ’s soap, then when dry put on some body lotion.  I then put on my Master’s perfume – Amazone.  I went to the bedroom, got on the bed, and put on my collar.  I was then ready for my Master.  As I felt the collar securely around my neck, a different feeling came over me.  Physically I could feel my body start to tingle and perspire a little.  Psychologically I could feel my Master’s influence and control over me even though he is so far away.  It was still only about 2.50.  I knelt down on the bed, face down, ass up, presenting my cunt for him.  I imagined that he was here, looking at me, watching me.  After some minutes I got up, and felt my pussy.  I was so wet already.

At 3.00 pm I phoned my Master.  The phone card had been “behaving” over the last couple of times.  But this time the phone network or whatever decided not to co-operate.  Although I got through and I could hear Lxxxxx , all he got was the echo.  I could hear him saying “Echo, echo”.  I then tried again, but only got some strange tone.  I then dialed direct, got the engaged tone, but got through on the next attempt. 

It was so nice to hear him.  He said that he woke up at 6.00 am, but kept turning over and sleeping a bit more.  We talked for a while about my morning so far, and what he had been doing yesterday.  He has spent so much time with the photographs. 

He then said that he could do with a good massage, and some other things, like some cock sucking and then he would fuck me deep.  He knows that I like to be fucked so deep and hard.  He then asked me if I had masturbated.  I said that I had.  He then said to go and put in my butt plug.  When I came back I laid on the bed.  But he said to get down into my submission position and to say my oath to him.  I got down on the floor and said my oath, and he said to think about the words and to make sure I live up to them.  He then said to stay in that position, and to start to masturbate and to tell him about my fantasy this morning. 

I said to him how I had fantasised about being his pet.  Then he said that he had been really pissed off with this building work here as he hadn’t been able to take me out into the back garden and walk me around and have me pee.  He said that he knew I would have liked that.  He asked me what else I fantasised about, and I said that I imagined wearing only my collar and leash, and peeing either in a kind of litter tray, or outside, and only being allowed to eat in the kitchen out of a bowl on the floor.  There would be one bowl with my food in it, sometimes soaked in my Master’s pee, and a bowl to drink from.  Sometimes I would be given only my Master’s pee to drink.  My Master said that when I am his pet, I would only wear a collar and leash, and be on floor on all fours, and walk like that and eat like that, and sometimes as I ate he would whip my ass to make me eat faster or slower.  Also I would lick his toes, suck his cock, and when I am fucked I would bark.  He knows that I like to bark for him.  He asked me what his little pet would do for him now.  I said that I would lick his feet, but he said that that was a reward.  First I would suck his cock until it became hard, then get fucked really hard, then suck on his cock until he came, because that is what he likes, and I should get used to it.  He said that I will learn to serve his cock.  When he said that I could feel myself getting wetter.  The feeling that I exist purely to serve his cock, and suck it whenever he wants is so intense.  At that moment I felt totally owned by him. 

He asked me what else I have fantasised about, and I said that I long to drink his pee, to drink it out of a bowl.  I also fantasise about feeling his crop on my ass again.  I said to him that the marks have almost gone now, and that I long for him to please put some more there.  He said that I will be able to go swimming now, and he said that he wants me to exercise, and work on my legs in particular, especially my thighs and just below my bum.  He doesn’t want to see any fat there.  (Yes I will exercise, and get my legs toned up more.  I will go swimming at least twice a week and do 2 exercise sessions a week at home.)

My Master said that I am to keep the butt plug in for the rest of the day, and that when I want to go to the toilet, I must ask permission out loud.  That way I will get used to doing this, so that when I am with him again, it will be automatic.

As I continued to masturbate for him, my Master said to move the butt plug in and out.  I did so, and imagined that I was being fucked by him.  It turns me on imagining that my anus is being stretched so that my Master can fuck my easier.  Whereas before I used to be scared of being fucked in the ass, I practically long for it.  As the feelings intensified, I was begging my Master to please fuck me in the ass.  I’m not sure if he came or not, but soon after that he said to get up from my position, and to lay on the bed on my back, and to relax.

We then talked some more – in fact for quite a lot longer.  I do like talking with him, listening to him.  We talked some more about the photographs – the digital ones, and some of the 35 mm ones, and about the ones I have messed up.  But there are some of them at least which are OK.  I think it is just nerves.  I think in London I was more nervous.  He talked a little about Jill and how she adapted to the slave thing without any problem and although she was stressed with some things in her life, it wasn’t with this.  And then Lxxxxx talked more about the Hungarian girl he was with.  He said how in the end, although she had a good body, looks, and was willing, she didn’t have the courage to be with him, as she was influenced by her mother.  He said how he hates naggers and somebody who moans and whines all the time.  I don’t think I’m like that.  I know I don’t nag.  I certainly didn’t do so when I was with my ex-boyfriend, even when he kept me waiting for him time and time again while he finished his drink, taking more interest in other people around him than in me.  But that’s history now – thank goodness.  I like it when Lxxxxx talks to me about things like this.  It helps me to understand him more and I feel closer to him because he is telling me something of his life.  I still feel insecure sometimes.  Up until now I have never felt inferior to or threatened by other women that my partner has had.  I mean I don’t really feel inferior, but I do sometimes wish I could have the attitude like Jill had, and feel totally comfortable with the slave thing.  I guess I just have to accept that this is my way of handling it.  Before we hung up, I asked Laszlo if he could just re-assure me.  He said that he does care for me, and wouldn’t take time to constantly e-mail me, send me cards, the CD, talk to me on the phone and post all the photographs if he didn’t care for me.  And he says he is happy with me.  He said that there are certain areas where I can improve, and is being a little more tolerant with me than he might with somebody else.  He just said to relax and feel good about myself.  He did say that he knows he has had a huge impact on my life.  And that’s certainly true.  This diary is proof of that.  When he said bye, I was feeling good.  Missing him though.

After we hung up, I laid on the bed for 5 minutes or so, very much aware of the feeling in my ass.  I took off my collar.  I then needed to go to the loo.  I stood up, and said “Master, please may I pee?”.  Imagining that he had said yes, I said “Thank you Master”.  I peed, got dressed and started to update my diary.  I also put some clothes in the wash.  There is still some paperwork I need to do this evening too. 

It is about 5.20 pm now and I have had the butt plug in for over 2 hours.  At the moment I would say that after 2 hours, the psychological feeling starts to get more.  Although the physical feeling never lessens, the feeling of being controlled increases.  Especially when I know that it is going to be there for several more hours yet.  If I close my eyes, I can really focus on the physical feeling and understand that I am feeling this because it is my Master’s wish.  Something like this is in a way making me feel that I do belong to him in every way.  During masturbation, the feeling is mostly erotic (and the butt plug is only in there for about 30 minutes or so), but doing everyday things such as doing the washing up, tidying up, the feeling is different.  Yes, there are some erotic feelings, but mostly it is a feeling of being controlled.  Control of both my mind and my body.  Again I keep having mild contractions in my ass.  I am more focussed on what I am doing, more serious. 

I have had a break from writing my diary to have my dinner.  At the same time I watched the end of the Grand Prix.  It is now just after 8.00 pm.  I have been to the loo again.  Before doing so I asked my Master out loud for permission.  The butt plug has now been in place for nearly 5 hours, and it is really starting to take effect now.  I still have to keep it there for some hours yet.  I really know that I belong to my Master.  Oh how I wish I were with him now.  I would beg him to please fuck me in the ass, hard and deep, so that I would scream.

There was a movie on TV that I wanted to watch.  This started at 9.20 pm.  I didn’t think my Master would mind, especially as he had said to relax.  And I would still know that I belonged to him.  Not taking into account the time when he was here, this was the first time that I had sat down and watched a movie for ages.  I laid down on the sofa, (sitting would be too uncomfortable).  By now, the feeling in my ass had become more of a permanent ache.  But I was happy to endure it.  However I felt that I was close to my limit on this.  I thought to myself, this is the hardest physical thing he has had me do yet.  I think the crop would be easier to bear, but then maybe not!  I think my Master has been fairly gentle with me with his crop so far. 

When the movie was over, I desperately needed to go to the loo (and not just to pee).  I went upstairs to the bathroom, and asked my Master for permission to shit.  I took out the butt plug, which had been there for 8 hours, and did what I had to do.  I then had a quick wash, and got ready for bed.  My anus was aching, and it felt like the butt plug was still there.  I put on my collar, laid naked on the bed, and phoned my Master.  The timing was perfect, he was just that minute arriving back home.  He had been out probably for longer than he expected.  He had been to several places, and he said that everywhere had been busy – queues and so on, and lots of traffic.  He was using the portable phone, and could talk to me as he was closing the garage door, unloading the car and even peeing.  It was nice listening to him pee – I wish I could have licked his cock for him afterwards.  We talked for a while and then he said he had to let me go, as he had lots to do, and he said that it was time for me to go to sleep. 

I settled down to sleep, but my ass was hurting – not a pain, more of an ache. 

Monday, June 10

I’m not really sure where Sunday night ended, and Monday morning began, because I think I was awake for most of that time.  I did fall asleep first of all, but woke up after a couple of hours or so.  I still had this kind of throbbing in my anus.  I certainly knew whom I belonged to.  I couldn’t really sleep and in the end it was starting to turn me on.  So much so that I wanted to masturbate.  I was half awake for some time, shifting position, and all the while in a state of arousal, still being controlled by my Master.  It was almost coming light by now.  I think I did fall asleep for a while, but woke up later at around 5.45.  I did then long to masturbate.  In a way, this was the only way that I was going to get any relief.  I used the large vibrator deep inside my cunt, which also sent vibrations up my ass, and my ass feeling the way it did, felt amazing.  I used the smaller ones on my nipples.  I laid on my stomach, and soon my pussy was so wet, and my whole body was starting to get wet. 

I was fantasising that I was with my Master and how he was using butt plugs on me as a means of preparing my anus for easier penetration, but also as a way of controlling me.  He was telling me how I was to insert a butt plug each evening at a certain time, and leave it there until he gave his permission to take it out.  Sometimes it would be 1 hour, sometimes 3, sometimes much longer.  I imagined my Master saying to me “have you put in your butt plug as I instructed?”  I replied “Yes Master”.  I then had an orgasm as I imagined my Master saying “Turn around, bend over and let me see”.  As I had the orgasm I asked my Master for permission, and then thanked him. 

From starting to masturbate until having an orgasm must have taken about 15 minutes.  But I got so wet.  The bed covers were wet, so much so that I had to lay on the other side of the bed.  I took out the vibrator, and just laid there.  I didn’t even go to the bathroom to wipe myself dry.  I felt almost like never before.  The pounding in my ass was still continuing, and my pussy was dripping wet.  But  I think I did fall asleep again.

I finally got up at 8.00 am.  I had to unfortunately, but I could have really slept for longer.  My ass still ached, but less so.  I wonder if using the large butt plug for 8 hours is pushing the limit?  I don’t know.  I will have to trust my Master on this.  I hope my Master gives me a day or so to recover before having me do this again. 

The morning at work passed fairly quickly.  At around 1.00 pm I phoned to optician to see what was going on with Lxxxxx ’s sunglasses.  They were going to check with the lab and get back to me.  I then phoned Lxxxxx at 1.30 (5.30 am his time).  He was tired this morning, as he had gone to bed late and had a restless night. 

At around 4.00 pm the optician phoned me back.  I couldn’t believe it.  The flipping lab had messed it up again.  Sent off faulty lenses, which had been rejected by the optician.  All the girl in the optician could say was that the word coming back from their people was that the lenses were “a mess”.  If the lenses were no good, how come the manufacturers even sent them out?  Funny too, because I almost had a premonition that something was going to go wrong again.  And I was thinking to myself that I would make the optician phone Lxxxxx and explain the problem.  I was thinking to myself they are going to get a hard time from him.  I phoned Lxxxxx to let him know the bad news.  Obviously he wasn’t happy, but said that he knew it wasn’t my fault. 

In the evening, at home, time was passing quickly.  I didn’t have dinner until around 8.30 pm.  After that I went upstairs, got naked, got on the bed (I had changed the sheets, etc), and put on my collar.  As soon as I put that on, I do feel different.  I then phoned my Master.  It was nice to talk with him.  He was down a bit, and the mess with the opticians wasn’t helping.  We talked about that, and talked some more about the photographs.  Lxxxxx said that he had done another 7” x 5” for me.  I’m curious to see what this “surprise” one is – the one which he won’t tell me what it is. 

It is about 10.15 pm and my ass is back to normal.  Actually it’s been OK for most of the evening.  When I got into bed, I masturbated as I should.  I used the large vibrator deep inside my pussy, and one of the smaller ones on my clit.  I fantasised about how my Master was having me serve him and reminding me that I was nothing more than an object for his use – a human object.  I would serve him as a foot-rest, and attend to all his needs, and when I was in his presence but not required to be serving him in any particular way, I would sit in my position on the floor, keeping quite still waiting for a command from him.  Sometimes in my fantasy there is someone else in the room, a friend of my Master’s maybe, but I would still serve my Master in the way that I should.  Sometimes, my Master would have me stand so that he could show my tattoo – my mark of ownership – to his friend.  I had an orgasm just as I was imagining completing some task for my Master and then being ordered to resume my sitting position on the floor.  I did ask my Master for permission to have an orgasm.  And I thanked him.  Afterwards I got out of bed to have a pee.  I felt as though I had to ask permission and I did so. 

Tuesday, June 11

I remember thinking to myself as I went to sleep last night with the phone on the floor – I don’t think he will be calling me – but as usual my Master surprised me.  At about 7.00 am the phone rang.  I was still asleep.  He asked how I was.  I said that I had been asleep – dreaming I think.  He said that he could do with a good back rub.  My Master then told me to display myself for him.  I got down naked on the floor, spread my legs, and raised my ass in the air for him.  He let me touch my cunt, and I said that it was so wet, and he said he would fuck me so hard.  He said that he would bite my nipples so hard that it would draw blood, and then lick it.  (I can’t imagine how painful that would be, but visualising a small trickle of blood coming from my nipple, and my Master licking it aroused me quite a lot).  He said that I should remember that my body and sexuality belong to him, and that he will use me sexually whenever he wants, regardless of whether I’m in the mood or not.  He also said that he knows that I need to feel controlled – and I do, even from such a distance.  He said that I get my pleasure from doing whatever he asks of me, knowing that I have fulfilled his wishes.  My Master then wanted me to make him cum.  I said that I long for his cum, and his pee, and long to feel his warm pee run down my body, down my breasts, and be able to rub my hands across my body and then lick them and taste his pee.  When he came he said that there was lots.  I could imagine him cumming in my mouth and tasting him, and eagerly licking it up off his hands and his body.  After a few minutes he let me go, saying that he was now going to sleep.  I hope he slept well, because I know it was already fairly late over there.

Now I was up, I decided to check my e-mail.  There was a nice message from him, saying that he was pleased that I no longer ached!  He said that next time I should use the medium sized butt plug.  I sent him back an e-mail card for him in the morning.  I then went back and laid in bed for a while.  I then masturbated.  I used the large vibrator in my pussy, and the smaller ones on my nipples.  I fantasised how my function is to serve my Master’s cock.  How I live for it – long to lick it, suck it, kiss it, taste it, wash it, massage it, worship it.  I had an orgasm as I imagined my Master telling me that I will serve his cock in anyway he wishes, wherever and whenever.  As I orgasmed I asked my Master for permission.  Afterwards I got down on the floor, said my oath, and thanked my Master for the orgasm. 

I had a meeting off site this morning.  On the way back, I stopped off at home.  It was lunchtime anyway, and I thought I would have some lunch here.  I checked the mailbox outside.  There were 2 letters from Lxxxxx .  One was a longish white envelope with lots of nice stamps on it, so I knew these were some photographs.  It was so nice looking at them.  There is a really nice one of us at the Whittington Inn where we had a meal on the last Saturday.  When I got to work, it was almost 1.20 pm, so I remained in the car for 10 minutes.  I spent the time looking at the map, looking at the places on the map where we visited, and remembering our adventures – in particular Castell Dynas Bram, where I was naked.  At 1.30 I phoned Lxxxxx .  It was nice to hear him.  He said that he was a little tired still, and could really sleep until noon, and would definitely be having an early night tonight.  I said to him that I had received some of the photographs already.  I think he was really pleased.

In the evening at home, I had a bath, and shaved.  I had a good shave around my pussy.  The skin is nice and smooth.  I think my Master would be pleased.  I then had dinner.  I started work on my diary, and when it got to around 8.45 pm I went upstairs.  I like to spend 10 minutes or so naked wearing my collar before I phone my Master.  As soon as I put the collar on and feel it close around my neck a strange feeling comes over me.  I got down on the floor into my submission position for a while, then also displayed myself for my Master.  At 9.00 pm I phoned him.  He asked me how I was, and I said that I was feeling fine, because now I was talking with him.  We talked about the photographs.  I hadn’t realised when I looked at them earlier, but he had written a comment on the back of some of them.  (After we hung up, I looked at the one of us at the Whittington – which is stood up on the bookcase – he had drawn a smiley face on the back of that one.  I thought to myself, that’s nice).  He had to let me go after 10 minutes or so.

Afterwards I laid in bed for a while, gently stroking my erect nipples, aware of the feel of the collar around my neck.  Although I would have liked to have laid there for longer, just day dreaming about my Master, I told myself that I had to get up and finish today’s diary entry. 

When I went to bed, I had my night-time masturbation session.  I used a couple of pegs on each nipple, and the large vibrator in my cunt.  I know that Lxxxxx has said previously to go easy on my nipples, but occasionally I do need to give them a lot of stimulation, almost pain, so that I can get more used to the feeling.  Maybe I should use the nipple clamps sometimes too, and learn how to relax with them on, as usually I tense up a bit, which is no good.

I laid on my stomach and fantasised.  My fantasy was a little more extreme for me, than usual.  I fantasised about how my Master had decided that I need to learn how to be more obedient and subservient to him.  Each evening when I was serving my Master I would not be allowed to do anything without his permission.  I would eat and drink when allowed to do so, and would ask for permission to pee or shit.  If given permission I would have to pee or shit where and how my Master wished.  I would also learn that my mouth, cunt and anus belonged to my Master.  If he didn’t require to use my mouth, it would be gagged to teach me that it belongs to him, and that it is for his pleasure only.  Similarly with my anus and cunt – if he didn’t wish to use them or have me display myself, they would be filled with a butt plug and vibrator (the vibrator would be held in place somehow).  I would serve him like this.  If my Master then wished to use my mouth, he would take off the gag (but I would not be allowed to speak), take his pleasure, and when he was finished, he would replace the gag.

I did have an orgasm, and just managed to ask for permission.  I then thanked my Master.  My pussy had become so wet, and my whole body was wet, though not as much as a couple of nights ago.  As soon as I’ve had an orgasm and start to come back down, I do become more aware of the pain on my nipples.  I took off the pegs – carefully!  I then went to the bathroom to dry myself off.  I think this fantasy is a bit extreme – I don’t know, but when I start fantasising it’s not always clear where it is going to lead. 

To unwind before going to sleep, I read my book for a short while.  Actually I’m reading the chapter on masturbation.

Wednesday, June 12

When I woke up, I had my morning session.  I fantasised that my Master was there and was ordering me to masturbate.  “Start to masturbate, slave” he said, and immediately I did so.  He then reminded me that I masturbate for his pleasure, and not for my own.  As I masturbated he asked me what my purpose is, and I replied that it is to obey you Master.  He then asked me what my function is, and I replied that it is to please and serve you Master.  He said that I must remember that I am owned, that I own nothing, and that I am his property.

During the day I have been thinking that I have these erotic fantasies and get so very turned on, and when I am with my Master, or on the phone with him, I get even more turned on.  And I say to him that I am his slave, but sometimes I wonder just how much I am his slave.  It is almost 6 months now since I first contacted Lxxxxx .  I have changed and grown a lot since then.  But there have been lots of ups and downs.  When Lxxxxx first visited me, things did not turn out as we had hoped.  But then during the few weeks prior to me going to Xxxxxxx I was more sure, but still there were problems.  The few days after getting back to England were terrible, as I didn’t know what I wanted, or what I was capable of doing.  Then things started to turn again, and pick up slightly. 

Now I think I understand myself a little better, but still question myself.  I’m not sure whether I will ever be a true slave, and I’m sure Lxxxxx must think this sometimes, but he does say that I shouldn’t worry about this – rather I should just relax and let things take their course.  I think I analyse things too much.  From what I have read (on the Internet – but I know not to take things I read there too seriously!!), most slaves feel totally natural about their position.  They describe it as “feeling right”, or “making them feel happy”.  They don’t need to analyse their feelings or the situation. 

But I certainly do feel different about Lxxxxx , and I do have a sense of “belonging”.  I always try to do as he says, I’m prepared to do, and have done, things for him that I thought I could never do, and I always get excited when thinking about talking with him on the phone.  So what does that make me, if not his slave?  One slave was writing on the Internet about herself, and she described the difference between a submissive and a slave.  A submissive still has a choice, but a slave does not.  I think I am much more than just a submissive, but may not really a slave (yet).

I got home from my meeting a little earlier than I expected.  So I had dinner earlier, and started work on my diary.  I have also been able to spend some time this evening looking at sites with jobs in Canada.  There seem to be lots of jobs and recruitment agencies in Toronto.  I received 3 more lots of photographs today.  I like the black and white ones (kinky and non-kinky ones).  Also the photos in the room in London where I am sucking my Master’s feet.  They’re so erotic.  The look in my eyes seems one of complete desire.  Lovely memories! 

When it was about 8.50 pm, I went upstairs, got undressed and put on my collar.  At 9.00 pm I phoned my Master.  He knew it was me.  I was so nice to hear him.  He was pleased that I had received so many photographs today.  He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep at all.  I worry when I phone him at 5.30 am and he says he has had a poor night, although talking with him just now, he said that he still prefers to get up early, miss all the traffic and be able to have his every other Friday off.  After he let me go, I stayed in bed, looking at the photographs again.  I then took off my collar, got dressed and came downstairs to finish my diary.

Thursday, June 13

I had an early morning call from my Master.  At 6.00 am the phone rang.  He asked me what is my purpose.  I replied that it is to please and serve you Master.  As I said this I realised that this is my function, not my purpose.  My purpose is to obey.  Then I added that it is my purpose to obey you Master.  He did not correct me on it.  Then he said to get up and get into my submission position and to say my oath.  My Master then told me to put on my collar.  I did this and resumed my position on the floor.  He then said to get the clamps.  I did, and again resumed my position.  I didn’t know what he was going to have me do, but my heart rate was going up, and my body was starting to perspire.

He then said to lay on the bed, on my back, with my knees bent.  He ordered me to put the clamps on my pussy lips – but on the inner, smaller lips, not the outer ones.  I can’t remember if my Master has put them there before, or whether he has always put them on the outer lips.  All I remembered is that it is painful.  (I know that I have to get this idea out of my head.  If I am always going to expect it to be painful, then I will always be thinking about the pain, and probably making it a lot worse than it actually is).  I put the first one on, and immediately it was painful, and then the second one.  I could just about stand it, but then my Master said to pull on the chain.  The slightest movement, and the pain was intensified.  I cried out and said “please, please”.  He then said to let it go.  That was painful too.  A few moments later he had me pull it again.  I cried out more.  After a few seconds he said OK, I could let it go, and could take them off.  Taking them off is just as painful.  I had trouble getting the second one off, because it had kind of stuck to the skin, and the slightest movement was making the pain worse.  I read in that book that there are about 5000 nerve endings on and around the clitoris, so it’s not surprising that it’s so sensitive.  But the pain is short-lived.  It doesn’t linger, unless I suppose if the clamps were left there for a long time, then maybe the after effects would last for longer.

My Master didn’t say anything, but he must have been a little disappointed with me.  I know I should have behaved better than this, and that I should endure the pain for longer, and not beg him to stop just as he has started.  I need to start getting used to this – maybe firstly by using them on my outer lips, until I can keep them there and feel relaxed.  My Master asked me if I was alright, but said that sometimes there would be some pain.  It’s part of it, he said.  He gave me a minute to relax, and I said that I loved him.  He then said to masturbate.  My cunt, His cunt, was so very wet, and I fucked myself really deeply for him. 

He said that I have to remember that everything is for his pleasure – my mouth, my cunt, my anus, my hands – everything, and that he owns me and will control me, even from this distance.  He told me to say to him that I want to be owned and controlled.  He also said that if he wants to hurt me, he will hurt me, if he wants to be tender with me, he will be tender with me.  My Master said that when I am with him at home, when I’m in his presence, I will be naked.  All that I will be allowed to wear will be stockings, and my collar, plus red lipstick and red painted nails.  I will only eat and drink when told to do so, and will pee and shit when and how my Master wishes.  He said he knows that I get more turned on when he is more cruel and demanding.  My Master said that he gets turned on when he sees me completely at his mercy, and when he knows that he owns me.  He said “you want me to be turned on, don’t you?”.  I said, yes Master.  He said that he will put the clamps on my pussy lips and will then fuck me hard, and while I am being fucked I will bark for him.  And if I don’t bark loud enough he will pull the chain.  If he ever does fuck me like this, I think I’d do anything rather than give him cause to pull on that chain.

My Master was so nice to me, and said to rest for a little longer.  He said that I should phone the optician today, and say that we aren’t happy with their service.  He then said bye.  I laid on the bed for a while, still with my collar on.  Then I went to the bathroom, took off my collar and came back to bed.  I curled up wishing that I was curled up at his feet.  I kind of felt some disappointment with myself.

The morning at work was fairly hectic.  Soon it was 1.00 pm and then my boss was talking to me, but just after 1.20 pm, I got away.  I went to the car to phone Lxxxxx .  He was just waking up.  It was so nice to hear him.  He asked if I had rung the optician yet.  I said that I was going to do it now because I hadn’t been able to do it this morning.  He said OK, but said to let them know that we weren’t satisfied.  He also said not to worry about things, and not to analyse things so much!  I phoned the optician directly afterwards.  It was actually this Mrs Crawford who answered the phone.  She certainly remembered Lxxxxx .  She had someone check out the situation, and confirmed that it was still on for tomorrow, and that I should be able to collect them on Saturday.  I said that we were disappointed because we should have had the glasses by now.  She said she understood this and apologised but said that they were doing all they could.

After work I went swimming.  Even though I was a little bit tired, once I am there, it’s OK.  That’s the case with most exercising.  Once you’re doing it, the tiredness you felt before goes away.  I do want to get fit and get toned up again.  While I am doing this for Lxxxxx , he has said that I must do it for myself too.  By the time I got home, checked the mail (I received a card from Lxxxxx with some prints of some of the digital photos), checked my e-mail, had a bath and had dinner, it was around 8.30 pm.  I went upstairs before 9.00, and got myself ready for my Master.  He had been doing a training course this morning, and there was a chance that he might not be back yet, but when I phoned he picked it up.  I was so happy to hear him.  He sensed that I was a bit nervous.  I think it is a mixture of nerves and excitement.  I said that I had got a card and some photographs from him.  He asked me what was on the front of the card, and my mind went blank for a few moments.  Then I remembered that it was like a field of flowers.  He asked which photos had I got, and then he said to go downstairs and get them.  He had sent me a long e-mail the day before, and he talked to me on the phone, saying that the best thing to do is just to relax and accept whatever happens.  We both know that this distance is one of the main problems.  Things do work much better when I am with him.  When I’m by myself I have time to think about things too much. 

My problem is that not everything seems natural for me all the time.  But I’ll have to accept that it is a process.  While it would have been preferable if I could have accepted it straight away, it hasn’t worked out as such.  But there are some things which do seem natural.  For instance when I am talking with my Master on the phone, it seems natural to be naked, wearing my collar, and (being on the floor if that is what he wants), it seems natural to sit on the floor by his feet when we say watch TV, it seems natural to suck his cock everyday, it seems natural to shave myself, and I’m sure I could think of many other things. 

Lxxxxx does believe that I am serious about this, and I am.  But I still wonder, how I am going to finally fit into his life.  But he says really not to worry about this.  After we both said that we miss each other, and said bye, I laid on the bed for a few minutes, thinking about what he had said.  I felt as though I wanted to get down on the floor for him, so I did.  I got face down on the floor, and spread my legs.  Then I thought that I wanted to show to both Lxxxxx and myself that I was serious about this.  I put the clamps on the outer lips, and got back into the same position.  I stayed like that for 10 minutes.  I can easily stand the clamps on the outer lips, if I don’t move them.  But 3 times, I pulled up the chain, then let it drop.  The first time I cried out, but by the third time, I didn’t.  I then got onto my hands and knees for 5 minutes.  Then I took off the clamps, and got into my submission position, and said my oath.

When I went to bed I masturbated for my Master.  My Master says that I masturbate for his pleasure.  But I do get pleasure from it as well.  Is that wrong?  Maybe not, because my Master still has control over when and if I masturbate.  If he says to stop, I will, and when he says to start again, I’ll do that too.

I used 2 pegs on each nipple again, and used the large vibrator in my cunt, with one of the smaller ones on my clit.  Within just a couple of minutes my pussy was so wet.  I fantasised about how my Master was having me serve him a drink.  I was to place the drink on a tray, and serve it to him holding the tray with both hands, kneeling down and offering the drink to him, holding the tray up towards him.  I was then to stay in that position until he told me otherwise, so he could place his drink on the tray, using it as a table.  Although I have written this here in just a few lines, the actual fantasy lasted about 15 or 20 minutes because I kept going over it, changing it slightly, and imagining how I would feel, and I did have an orgasm.  The contractions were fairly intense.  I asked my Master for permission, and then thanked him.  I took off the pegs, and my nipples were tender for a while.  How I long for offer my nipples to my Master for his enjoyment.  I went to the bathroom to clean myself up, and then came back to bed.  I curled up in bed, feeling fairly submissive.

I phoned my Master.  It was so nice to hear him.  We talked some more about the photographs, which ones he liked and which I liked.  He particularly liked one or two of me at Castell Bram.  I like those too.  With regards to my diary, he keeps telling me to relax, but he is interested in some of my fantasies.  He said that maybe some day he will get a little more extreme with me.  But he says he cares for me, and so would not want to hurt me.  I guess he means he doesn’t want to hurt me either physically or psychologically.  I really enjoyed talking with him.  Afterwards I settled down to go to sleep.

Sunday, June 16

When I woke, my first thought was of masturbating for my Master.  I think during the night I’d had some sexy dreams.  I longed for that ache in my ass, and so for the first time since last Sunday I used a butt plug.

At about midday, I set off to Xxxxxxxxxxxx to go to this Fetish thing to see if I could get the books we wanted.  I was a bit nervous going there alone.  And driving there I was trying to work out why I was nervous.  After all I do feel a lot more comfortable surrounded by this kind of thing now.  I thought, what is the worst thing that could happen.  Maybe seeing someone I knew?  But, they would probably be more horrified than me!  Or maybe I was worried that I was going to look embarrassed.  By the time I had parked the car, I was sweating a bit.  But I walked up to the place, and felt a little better as I walked in.  I was looking good, wearing jeans, boots, fitted T-shirt, jacket, so maybe people would mistake me for a glamorous female dominant (only joking!).  Really though, there is nothing to be afraid of going to these places.  I think it is society – it has made people feel ashamed or embarrassed.  But after all that, when I asked the lady at the desk if there were any people selling books this afternoon, it turned out that there wasn’t. 

I felt disappointed, especially since I had actually managed to go to the place.  As I drove home, I wondered if my Master would be upset or displeased with me.  When I got back home, it was around 2.00 pm.  I cleaned up the kitchen and cleared up some paper work.  Then at 2.50 pm I went upstairs.  I got undressed and put on my collar.  When I am wearing my collar, I really do feel different.  I was feeling both nervous and excited.  When my Master answered the phone he asked me what was wrong.  At first I thought he had sensed my nervousness, but it was because he had phoned earlier and the phone was just ringing and ringing.  (It was still disconnected from when I had been using the Internet in the morning).  He asked me what I was.  I said “I’m yours.  I’m your slave”.  He said that’s better.  He said to say my oath.  I got into my position on the floor and said my oath.  Whenever I say my oath now, I do think about the words more.  He then said to get the clamps and put them on my nipples.  I could feel my pussy getting wet.  I returned to the floor.  He then said to get on the bed, on my back, with my legs up.  He asked me what my fantasy had been this morning when I had masturbated.  I said to my Master that I had fantasised about being his toilet.  He then said that he was going to train me to be his toilet.  (I am sure that if I do become his total slave, I can become such a good toilet slave for him.  I really do have the desire).  Also I will be trained to lick his ass, sometimes after he has shitted.  I will taste him.  (I have had vague fantasises about his shit – not tasting it but maybe smearing some on my body, maybe on my face.  I don’t know why really). My Master told me he is OK with the pee, but no shit play of any kind. Not healthy! He doesn’t want me to get sick.

My Master then said to pull on the chain.  I can stand the clamps on my nipples, and as I get aroused, the pain subsides, and becomes a pleasure, but pulling on the chain is still painful.  He said to beg for some pain.  He wanted to hear me scream.  I pulled on the chain, but probably not as hard as my Master would have.  But I did so much want to please him, and feel the pain for him, so I pulled it further.  He then said to let it go.  My Master then said to masturbate – put 3 fingers inside.  My cunt, His cunt, was so very wet.  My fingers slid in there so easily, and I pushed them in deep. 

I had said that I had been looking at that Japanese site again, and he had looked at it today too.  He has seen some pictures he liked.  My Master knows that I like to be treated like a dog.  He said that I will be his bitch in every way.  I will be the bitch who he fucks, the bitch who sucks his toes, his feet, his legs and of course his cock, the bitch who he fucks in the mouth, the bitch who barks for him, the bitch who crawls on all fours, the bitch who eats and drinks from a dog bowl, the bitch who wants to be whipped on her ass, back and breasts, and who is proud of her marks, the bitch who wants to be tattooed and pierced..  He said that maybe next time this should be done so that I have a permanent reminder that I belong to him.  (Although it still scares me, maybe it is the only way).  He said that we will definitely do some doggy training next time we are together. 

He said that he would have me tied down, to the floor, so that I couldn’t move.  All that I could move would be my mouth and my tongue.  I would be at his mercy.  He would then have me lick his ass.  All I could do would be to lick his ass, I would have no choice, but to lick him. He said this is called rimming.   He would have me put my tongue in his ass.  I imagined this and became very aroused, and said to my Master that I would beg to lick him, and beg to taste him cum and his pee.   He let me go, saying that I could phone him before I went to sleep.

Afterwards I did some exercising, then came downstairs to put together a summary of where we went while Lxxxxx was here.  He needed this to help him with his photo album, to get things in as much a chronological order as possible.  Then I was going to order the tea online.  But you had to place a minimum order of £10.  I could order £10 worth of tea, but thought that I would first check 2 other supermarkets to see if they had the Peach & Passion Fruit tea.  If they haven’t, then I’ll place an order.  Then I went on that site with the books.  I ordered 2.  I hope they arrive OK.  I also read the summaries and excerpts for the other books.  Each of them has a couple of drawings – really extreme and totally unrealistic some of them, but still a big turn on.  My pussy was getting really wet again. 

I talked to my dad on the phone at about 7.00 (Father’s day), and then talked with mum for a while again.  I then started to prepare dinner, and had just started to write up my diary when the phone went.

I wondered if it might be Lxxxxx , but I wasn’t sure.  But it was.  My Master said that if I was there I would be sucking on his cock.  I got this picture in my mind of me naked under his computer table, sucking on him while he worked at the computer.  He said that I would be wearing nothing but my collar, and he would have me on a leash, and would pull it so that my mouth was on his cock, and I would suck him like that. 

He said that he had been working some more on his photo album.  He asked me what I was doing and what I was wearing.  He told me to take off my leggings.  I went in the living room, pulled the curtains, and got undressed.  I was already starting to get wet.  I got down on the floor.  My Master then told me to get the wine bottle, and to sit on it.  I slid it into my wet cunt, right in.  He then said to move up and down on it.  As I moved myself on the bottle, I began to lose myself.  I practically enter another world.  My Master reminded me that my sole purpose is to please him, and that I get my pleasure from pleasing him.  My reward is being able to taste his cum or his pee.  He said that he will do whatever he wants to me.  It is his choice alone.  If he wants to be kind to me, he will, and then the next minute if he wants to be mean or sadistic to me, he will be that way too.  As his slave, I have to take whatever he chooses to give me.  He said that if he wanted to give me pain, he would.  He would put the clamps on my nipples and pull the chain, or put them on my pussy lips, and pull them open wide.  He would whip my ass, legs, breasts, putting his marks there. 

All the time I was sliding my cunt up and down on the bottle, and my whole body was becoming wetter and wetter.  My cunt was dripping.  I was hanging on my Master’s every word, becoming more and more aroused as he told me what he was going to do with me.  He said that when I am in his presence, I will always ask permission to pee or shit, and I will only do so with his permission, and will pee and shit as he tells me to.  My Master said that I will be trained as his puppy dog.  He said to imagine walking on all fours, as a dog, and barking for him.  He then ordered me to bark.  I did, and I didn’t care about anything else, it was like nothing else existed.  I almost had an orgasm.  My Master takes me to a different world.  He had me keep on barking even when twice I was almost collapsing.  Then he said enough. 

He told me to lay down on the floor, and to put the bottle down.  Still shaking and exhausted he asked me how I felt.  I could scarcely talk.  He asked me if I had any meetings tomorrow at work, and I said that I had but that it would be over by noon, and then I would drive back to my office.  I would pass by home, so I could check the mail.  He didn’t know if there would be anything there or not.  He said to phone him in the morning, and then let me go.

I was absolutely soaked.  I remained on the floor for a minute or two.  Even the carpet was wet from where I had been laying.  When I got up, my legs were week.  Actually I didn’t have a bath, but let myself dry naturally.  I came back to the computer to work on my diary, still naked.  My Master had asked whether I’d had an orgasm.  At one point I was near to orgasm (the type I have when masturbating), and if I had felt that coming on, I would have asked for permission to have an orgasm.  But maybe I did have a type of orgasm.  I certainly felt like it afterwards.

My Master had asked how I felt.  I had said that I was completely wet and exhausted, but I also felt totally liberated at being allowed to behave like this, (it’s not the sort of behaviour that society normally encourages), totally thrilled that someone can make me feel like this, amazed that someone can bring out these feelings in me which have laid quiet for so many years. 

All day I have felt like I have been my Master’s bitch on heat.  This morning I masturbated and got so aroused.  I was so wet, that I had to pull back the bed covers, so as not to get the mattress too wet.  Then I couldn’t wait to talk to my Master in the afternoon, even though I felt disappointed that I had not been able to get the books, and was ready to accept any punishment if he thought it necessary.  I got so hot and wet again, that the other side of the bed got wet.  Then after I ordered that book, and another one, on the Internet, I was reading about some of the other books.  I got really turned on again.  I did feel my pussy and it was so wet.  It was really engorged.  Then this evening, my Master surprised me, and took me to the stars and back.  I think he really could turn me into a complete sexual being, who is practically on the edge of arousal all the time.  Just a word, or a touch would start my juices running, and I would beg to be used.

Monday, June 17

I woke up at about 7.30 am and masturbated for my Master.  I used the large vibrator on my clit, and the 2 smaller ones on my nipples.  I fantasised about being with my Master, about being completely naked in his presence, as he described yesterday.  All I would wear would be my collar and leash and sometimes stockings and high heels.  But my cunt, ass and breasts would always be displayed and available for him, to use when and how he wishes.  I imagined serving his cock in the morning, licking him and sucking him, and then being fucked in the cunt and in the mouth, and being used.  And then when he was satisfied, he would go to the bathroom.  I would follow, and kneel down on the floor, ready to be used again.  He put his hand under my chin to raise my head to him.  Then he held his cock and I knew what I had to do.  I willingly opened my mouth for him, and he peed into my mouth.  I then held out my tongue for him to wipe his cock.  He then stroked my hair, and said “Good, slave”.  I said “Master, it is an honour for me to serve you in this way”.  I got really turned on, and my pussy was so wet.

Imagining this turns me on so much.  I really do have the desire to be used like this.  But this distance between us is such a problem.  If I was with my Master he could steadily train me to become his slave, by starting to use me as his toilet, by having me wear my collar all the time in the house, by keeping me naked all the time in the house, by controlling the times when I pee, shit, eat or drink.  I think I am going to finally need something like this to get me to give in to my desires, and surrender all control.  Because when I am by myself, I still want to keep hold of some control.

Today I have been thinking about the piercing and tattooing.  I know Lxxxxx would probably tell me not to worry about it, but to just let things happen.  I’m not really worried about it, but I do sincerely hope that when it is done, it has a beneficial effect.  I would also prefer that it is done when I am finally with my Master, rather than having to come back here again.  But that might not be possible.  I don’t know.  Unfortunately this is one part of my transformation that cannot be done bit by bit.  I wonder if Lxxxxx thinks I am ready for this, or maybe he feels that if we wait until I am ready, then we are going to wait forever. 

When I got to work after my meeting, I checked my e-mail.  There wasn’t anything from Lxxxxx .  I wondered if anything was wrong, or had he forgotten, or maybe there was a problem with my in box.  I know that it is permanently about 80% full.  But when I talked to him this evening, he had sent me something, but he had inadvertently sent to home.  I remember the last time there wasn’t an e-mail at work, I thought I had upset him.  But I wasn’t upset, and anyway I don’t expect him to send me something each day.  It’s just so nice when he does!

In the evening before I phoned Lxxxxx , I went upstairs, got undressed and put on my collar.  It was 10 minutes to go.  I went and stood in the other room and looked at myself in the full length mirror.  I think one of the problems I have is that when I used to read stuff on the Internet about slaves (before I wrote to Lxxxxx ) I thought to myself, that I could never do that, even though it turned me on.  But there was something about Lxxxxx ’s site that I found irresistible which is why I finally contacted him.  Now almost 6 months on, I know that even though his kind of M/s might be different, he nevertheless wants a slave.  I still seems strange that I am doing (or trying to do) the thing which I thought I could never do.  But Lxxxxx thinks I have it in me.

I’m not freaking out here – just in a reflective sort of mood. 

After I had finished my diary, I ordered Lxxxxx ’s tea online, and then spent some more time on the Internet looking for places where I could get the stickers.  Then finally I found one.  I can get small Union Jack stickers, and there were ones for Scotland too, but not for Wales unfortunately.  I could get a larger sticker of the Welsh flag though.  I was really happy when I found these.  It shows that if you persist, you eventually find what you want.  (Didn’t Lxxxxx say this to me once!).  It also shows that if I can feel so happy when I have done something that he has asked of me, then maybe I am becoming his slave more and more. 

It was late again when I went to bed, but I did masturbate.  I used the large vibrator on my clit, and the 2 smaller ones on my nipples.  I started to fantasise about my Master’s pee again.  Imagining the feeling of being peed on.  Feeling the warm pee running down my body, and then rubbing it into my body, enjoying the aroma, and then licking my hands.  I imagined that my Master was starting to train me to lick his ass when he had peed.  He said that eventually he would use my tongue to clean his ass after he had shitted too.  After my Master had finished peeing on me, I stuck out my tongue so that he could wipe his cock.  I then positioned myself so that I could lick my Master’s ass.  I started to lick his ass, longing to taste him.  My Master then gave me the command to stick my tongue up his ass.  He had me do this for several minutes, and then said “Enough.  We’ll continue your training tomorrow”. 

Wednesday, June 19

Today it is 6 calendar months since I first wrote to Lxxxxx .  December 19^th  was that amazing day!  Such a lot has happened since.  Ideally I should be with my Master by now, already tattooed and pierced, and serving him as his slave.  But things don’t always go to plan.  Back then I really didn’t know whether it would be easy or hard to submit.  But it has been hard.  But the more time we spend together and as the bonding process continues, it is happening.  But it is a slow process.  But hopefully I will be permanently with my Master soon.  And if that is going to be some months yet, then I can at least visit in September.  My Master has mentioned that maybe it’s time for me to be tattooed and pierced.  Perhaps he is right.  I don’t know.  But maybe that’s what I need, along with some training and discipline.

After work, I went swimming.  I want to get myself fit and toned again.  Because I do look and feel better.  When I got home, I had a bath, and then prepared something for dinner.  While I was doing that, I checked my e-mail.  There was a fairly long e-mail from Lxxxxx .  Soon it was time for me to phone him.  I went upstairs, undressed, and put on my collar.  There were a few minutes to go, so I got down on the floor in my submission position, to help calm myself.  It was so nice to hear him, when he answered the phone.  We talked about what had been going on today, and then talked about Canada.  As soon as I have my papers, I will seriously start applying for jobs, and posting my CV with agencies.  Meanwhile I am checking agencies on the Internet to see what type of jobs there are.  It will be a few months yet, but I have thought about selling some things off now.  Especially things that I don’t really need and things that I can get a good price for if I have enough time.  I don’t want to be in a position with only a month to sell everything. 

I really enjoyed our conversation. 

I went to bed a little earlier than I have done recently, and had my night time session.  I used the large vibrator on my clit and the 2 smaller ones on my nipples.  I started to fantasise, imagining how my Master was asking me what I am.  I replied that I am his slave.  He then asked what is a slave’s purpose.  I replied that a slave’s purpose is to obey her Master.  I continued masturbating with these thoughts in my mind.  In my fantasy, I was tattooed and pierced, and I had an orgasm as I stood naked before my Master, and he ordered me to describe to him the purpose of the rings.  As I imagined the rings through my pussy lips, I began to say to my Master that the rings were a permanent reminder to me that my pussy is now the property of my Master.  I then felt the orgasm coming on, and I asked my Master for permission to have an orgasm.  I then thanked my Master.

From my fantasies, it’s clear that although being pierced still scares me, it also excites me. 

Thursday, June 20

At about 6.45 am the phone rang.  I knew it would be my Master.  I pulled off the T-shirt I had on and got down on the floor, and answered the phone.  He asked what am I?  I replied “I am your slave, Master”.  He said “Yes, you are my slave”, and said that I must never forget that.  He asked what I was wearing, and I said nothing.  He said from now on I am to sleep naked.

My Master said that if I were there with him, he would tie me up, and then whip and crop my ass, until it was raw.  He would then fuck me from behind, and then when he was near to cumming, take his cock and push it into my mouth.  He then said to me to masturbate.  I was to put 3 fingers inside.  I said that it was wet, and my Master replied that it should always be wet and available for him.  My Master reminded me that I masturbate for his pleasure only – not for my own, and that my cunt belongs to him, and that he has complete control over my sexuality.

He then said to make him cum.  I said that I was fucking myself for him.  My ass was in the air, and I was begging him to please whip or crop me.  I was begging for anything from him.  I just longed to feel something from him.  And I was begging him to fuck me.  Please fuck me.  When he was about to cum, he said to open my mouth, and then he came.  I said how I love his cum.  I love him.

He then said that today at work I would not wear any underwear.  He then let me go, and said to call him at his usual time in the morning.  I went to the bathroom, then went back to lay in bed.  I didn’t feel as though I could sleep.  I laid naked in bed, wishing I was laying with my Master, and enjoying the aftermath of feeling of the sting of his whip on my ass.  My Master does control my sexuality.  I know that.

As I had some extra time this morning, I came downstairs at 7.30 and checked my e-mail.  But there wasn’t any mail from my Master.  I thought that was strange, because he usually writes something in the evening.  When I got to work, I realised why.  He had sent me a message to say he had written to me, but there was no copy of it in his sent mail.  I was wondering what he had written.  I hoped that it was something good, and that I am continuing to please him. 

During the day at work, I had no panties on.  I had trousers on, but each time I got up or walked anywhere, I was aware of my situation.  I felt vulnerable, but sexy, and my pussy felt like it was wet all the time.  I wasn’t sure if my Master meant for me to not wear a bra either.  So I put on a loose kind of cropped top, loose enough for me to feel as if I was not wearing a bra.

At about 1.20 pm I went to the car to phone my Master.  I was looking forward to talking with him, and hoped that he’d had a good night’s sleep.  At 1.30 I phoned him.  He was still asleep.  He said that he had been dreaming.  He said to let him know if I still hadn’t received the e-mail card when I got home.  If I hadn’t received it, he said that he would re-send it.  He then let me go, saying to call him later.

After work, I did some shopping (still without panties.  I think I’ve got used to this feeling now).  I couldn’t find what I wanted, but I was in one of these discount book shops, and I got 3 books – all of them to do with my life with Lxxxxx .  One is a book on massage, the other is a guide to Xxxxxxx (but a good one, not just a touristy one).  In it, it has information about the history of the city, it’s architecture, culture, art and traditions.  And the third one is a bit kinky – The History of Corporal Punishment.  In fact this is the second kind of kinky book I have bought lately.  While I was in Xxxxxxxxxx last Saturday looking for the stickers, I went into several of these book shops, as they sell cards and stationery too.  I had a quick look there for any nice cards, and also checked to see if there were any interesting books.  I bought ‘Venus In Furs’.  It was only £1.  I thought it might be interesting.  I’m reading it at the moment.  Although it’s erotic, it’s also supposed to be a good piece of literature.  I don’t feel as embarrassed about buying books like this now.  (I would have been several months ago).  But, I think to myself, if Lxxxxx wants a book, no matter how kinky it is, he’ll buy it!  So I think, why shouldn’t I?

In the evening I was looking forward to talking with Lxxxxx .  I received a nice ‘British Airways’ – Flying xxxxx card from him today.  I’d had a bath and shaved only an hour earlier, and as I laid on the bed naked wearing my collar, I felt very sensual.  It was lovely talking with him.  We talked about his work – he is going to be busy sorting out the inventory for some time yet, and in a week or so I may not be able to phone him at the office.  Before he let me go, he mentioned our evening (for him)/early morning (for me) adventure.  I hope I satisfied him.

I think over the last few days I have felt more comfortable in my position as his slave.  I fantasise about many things, but I know that there is a lot more to this than fantasies.  Being a slave in real life is different.  But when I talk to my Master on the phone I do feel different, still nervous sometimes, wanting to please him, yet still happy and fulfilled.  The main thing is that I am beginning to think of myself as my Master’s slave during everyday activities, and not just during masturbation or a session.

After talking with my Master, I kept my collar on for a while.  I then went and stood in front of the mirror to see myself.  I also practiced some positions, including my table and foot rest position. 

After finishing on the Internet, I went to bed, for my night time session.  I used the large vibrator on my clit, and the 2 smaller ones on my nipples.  I also put on my collar.  I am getting used to the feel of it around my neck, and it is re-assurance for me that I do belong to my Master. 

I started to fantasise and very soon my pussy was wet.  I was imagining myself serving my Master his evening dinner.  I was naked, wearing only my collar.  As he ate, I sat on the floor in my position.  My legs were spread, so that my pussy was exposed for my Master, and I made sure that I held my breasts high for him.  While my Master ate, I kept perfectly still.  When he had finished, he said to me to fetch my bowl.  I said “yes Master” and got up and brought my bowl from the kitchen.  I knelt down on the floor besides him and held the bowl up for him.  He took it and I resumed my position on the floor.  He put the left-overs from his meal into the bowl.  He then stood up and attached the leash to my collar, and taking the bowl, he led me on my hands and knees to the kitchen, to the place where I ate my food.  My Master placed the bowl on the floor, and gave me the order to eat.  I knelt down in front of my bowl, placed my hands on the floor, and ate from the bowl using only my mouth.  My Master held the leash, and stood over me as I ate.

I didn’t have an orgasm but my pussy was so wet, and I masturbated for about 45 minutes.  I get turned on by this because it is humiliating, and also because my movements and actions are being controlled ever so much.  Afterwards I laid in bed for a couple of minutes with my collar still on.  Soon I was feeling sleepy and I took my collar off, and then went to the bathroom.  I wonder if I could sleep in my collar, as long as I fasten it loosely?  It would be nice, especially waking up wearing it, but maybe it is unwise to sleep with anything around the neck.  Although I’m sure some slaves do wear their collar at night time.  I settled down to go to sleep naked, as my Master has instructed me to do from now on.

Friday, June 21

I woke up fairly early.  It was 5.45 am.  I was naked and started to get aroused, thinking about my Master.  I must have fallen asleep again though, because I woke up again at 7.00 am.  I then started to masturbate for him.  I used the vibrators again.  I began to imagine my Master telling me that my purpose is to obey him, and that my function is to please and serve him.  He said that the sole reason for my existence was to serve him.  I then started to imagine that I was pierced.  I imagined one way in which my Master had me present myself.  I was wearing my collar and a fairly tightly fitting belt.  The belt had small loops on it at the front and back.  A chain was threaded through the loop of my collar at the front.  Each length was then pulled and passed through the loops on the belt.  The 2 lengths of chain were then threaded through my pussy rings.  The lengths of chain were then pulled across my ass, and attached to loops at the back of the belt, and then taken back up and attached to the collar.  The chain was a diamond shape on my front and back, holding me securely and holding my pussy lips shut.  My Master said that this was to show me that my cunt along with everything else belongs to him.  My Master also said that in the future he might have my nipples pierced and then the chain will be threaded through those rings too.  I actually had an orgasm imagining this.  As I felt it coming, I asked my Master for permission.  And then I thanked him.  I had masturbated for over an hour.  I then got up, and got down on the floor, and said my oath.

The morning passed fairly quickly at work.  I went to the car at about 1.15.  I had some time so I phoned the optician to see what was happening.  She said there hadn’t been anything delivered today, and that she would phone the lab to check on the situation.  At 1.30, I phoned Lxxxxx .  He had just woken up.  It was nice to hear his voice.  We talked for a minute or so, then he let me go.  I got a call later on from the optician to say it was going to be the middle of next week.  After work, I went swimming.  Today was better – less people swimming lengths, so I was able to have a good swim.  I need to keep it up for it to have an effect.  As I swim I sometimes have erotic thoughts (it helps to pass the time!).  I imagine that my Master is there watching me.  Watching his sexy slave, his property, exercising for his pleasure.  Then when he considers that I have exercised enough he orders me out of the pool.  But a more erotic thought, is that just before I get into the pool, my Master removes the locks which hold my pussy lips together.  Immediately after I get out of the pool, he puts them back in place.

When I got home, I checked my e-mail.  There were several from Lxxxxx.  The card which had got lost, has now arrived.  It was a lovely message from him, to mark our 6 month anniversary.  He also said that the messages I was sending to him recently contained nice words, but could I live up to them.  I do hope so.  I am not trying to push or force anything now.  I know that this doesn’t work.  So I am trying to let things happen naturally.  He mentioned that I am starting to desire being tattooed and pierced.  He said that this is good.  And it is true.  In many of my fantasies I am tattooed and pierced, and that is very often the most erotic part of the fantasy.  But apart from it turning me on in a fantasy, I am starting to think about it for real.

When it was about 8.50 pm I went upstairs, and prepared myself to phone my Master.  When I phoned him, I was naked, apart from my collar.  I was laying on the bed, on my back, with my legs up against the bed head.  I always feel so sensual when I am talking with him.  I can’t help but run my fingers across my body, feeling my erect nipples.  I do resist touching my pussy though.  We had a really nice chat, about the weather in Xxxxxx and by contrast the weather here, our plans for the weekend, the books I am reading, and other things.  Lxxxxx had said in one of his e-mails that he has Venus In Furs on DVD.  Another film he likes is The Night Porter.  I have seen that once on TV, though I wouldn’t mind seeing it again.  I’m sure both of these films would be more exciting to watch with Lxxxxx .

After we hung up, I laid on the bed for a few minutes, before taking off my collar and coming downstairs to work on my diary. 

When I went to bed, I masturbated for my Master.  I used the large vibrator on my clit, and used the small ones on my nipples.  I fantasised about how my Master has me display myself for him in the evenings.  I would be naked with my leash still attached, with my face on the floor.  My legs would be spread and my ass would be held high, displaying my cunt for my Master’s pleasure.  And as he watched a movie on TV or something, I would know that I was simply an extra amusement for him.  I did have an orgasm imagining this.  It’s so erotic, being used like this, little more than an object, a pleasure thing.  I did ask my Master for permission to have an orgasm, and thanked him.  I then went to the bathroom, wiped my pussy clean, and then went back to settle down to go to sleep, naked as my Master has said.

Saturday, June 22

When I masturbated this morning, I put on my collar.  I not only like the feel of it around my neck, but it makes me feel closer to my Master, and I feel more as though I am masturbating for him.  I also used his clamps on my nipples.  I wanted to feel them so it would be like he was here with me.  As I clipped them onto my nipples, I felt a rush come over me.  I then laid on my stomach and put the large vibrator between my legs.  I find it very erotic sometimes if I let it lay on the bed and then position myself, legs spread slightly, so it is just touching the most sensitive part of my clitoris.  As I fantasise, the constant feeling just makes me get turned on even more. 

I fantasised about something I had read in that slave training manual.  In there is says that a slave can often be given a specific place in the room to go to, and have a certain position to assume, when her services are not required.  This is to instill the idea into the slave that she is little more than an object, and will be “put away” at certain times.  I imagined how my Master had allocated me a space in his living area, against the wall between 2 pieces of furniture where I was to stand when I wasn’t needed.  I would have to remain still, until I was given a command to move.  As I stood, I knew and felt that I was merely another piece of furniture in the room.  I had an orgasm, and as it came on I asked my Master for permission, and then thanked him.  Afterwards the pain in my nipples became more apparent.  I carefully took them off.  I accidentally pulled on the second one as I took it off.  I thought to myself – that was for my Master.  I then laid in bed for a few moments, still with my collar on.  I then got out of bed, and before going to the bathroom, I got down on the floor and said my oath to my Master.  My pussy was so wet, and for a few minutes, I positioned myself as if I were displaying it for him, showing him how wet His cunt was. 

Afterwards I had a quick bath and breakfast.  For the rest of the morning I sorted through my papers for Canada.  There is still a bit of sifting through of old documents that I need to do, like all the addresses I have had since age 18.  I think I know the addresses, I just need to check the dates, things like that.  I had a selection of items in the post this morning – most of it from America.  I received a card from Lxxxxx , with a photo of him taken in Conway, and a couple of Clun Castle from the Internet.  He made my smile, because in his card he had written that today is only 109 F, not the 113 of the previous day, so he was going to get himself a ewe fleece!  I also received the flag stickers.  That was quick.  I knew when I ordered them that it was an American site, well it seems like they were packaged in Arizona.  So now they are on their way back there.  They just came to the UK for a holiday!  I hope Lxxxxx is happy with them.  The smaller stickers are I think just what he wanted.  There is also a large Union Jack one and a Welsh flag for him. 

I also received the 2 books I ordered.  I am surprised that they have sent them, without receiving my confirmation of my age.  I could be some 10 year old kid who was let loose on the Internet!  Anyway I think I’m going to have a lot of fun reading them.  I have already read a few pages of Controlling Christine.  The Christine in the book wears a steel collar, waist cinch, wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs.  After a month or so, her master had them permanently welded, so that they were completely irremovable.  She also wears what her master calls ‘reminder’ chains.  And that’s all in the first few pages!  I was thinking to myself that I so often fantasise about being controlled in this way.  About being chained and serving my Master in that way.  But I also think that I am already in chains, albeit invisible ones, because my Master already has control over me.

At 3.00 pm the phone rang.  I was in the kitchen at the computer.  I half thought it would be my Master.  He had woken up some time ago.  He had phoned before but the phone line was connected to the Internet.  He said that he was tired, even though he had slept earlier the night before, and that he could do with a massage.  I mentioned again the massage book which I have got.  I will be able to learn some techniques, for when I am with him next.  I had taken the phone into the other room now, and was sat at the bottom of the stairs.  I said that I had received the card and photos.  He said that he had received my pussy cat postcard, and said he could do with some pussy right now.  By now I was at the top of the stairs.  He said his cock was half erect, and it would soon get hard, and then he would push it into my pussy.

He asked what I was wearing.  I said that I had my usual weekend stuff – leggings, T-shirt, nothing much.  He told me to get them off.  Then he told me to put my collar on.  As I came back to the phone, I felt my whole body start to get wet.  My Master then reminded me that I should always be naked and with my collar on when I talk to him on the phone.  The only exception is when I am outside, or in public.  I said that I am always naked when I phone him, and he said that he knows that.  I could do with a phone that displays numbers so that I know when it is my Master phoning.  But in 9 times out of 10 when the phone goes and I think it might be him, it usually is.  So I will from now on undress before I answer the phone.  He then had me say my oath.  I got down on the floor into my position.  He then asked me what my function was and what my purpose. And what I was.  When I answered that my function is to please and serve him, that my purpose is to obey him, and that I am his slave, he said good.  He reminded me that my purpose is to obey, and that my function is to give pleasure.  Further I must think in terms of what can I do to make my Master’s life easier, what can I do to please him. 

Then told me to get on the bed and spread my legs.  I knew that my pussy was getting wet.  He told me to play with it.  When I actually touched it, I was surprised just how wet it was.  The lips were so full.  He told me to squeeze my clit, to imagine him biting it, and how he would bite it so hard, until I screamed, begging him to stop.  My Master said that I must learn that my cunt belongs to him – to bite, fuck, and pierce – do whatever he wants.

My Master then said that my pussy lips are going to be pierced.  I will wear his rings, and they will be locked with tiny locks.  He said to imagine wearing them every day, how they would feel, and how they will be a permanent reminder for me that I am owned, a piece of property, a slave.  He said that every morning when I go to work he will lock them.  I will wear a skirt, stockings, no panties, and I will be able to feel the rings all day.  My pussy will be constantly wet.  When I come home, he may unlock them, or may choose to leave them locked.  He reminded me that whenever he wishes, I will be a piece of furniture for him – a foot rest or a table.  And as a reward for good behaviour I will be allowed to suck his toes and feet.  I will also be rewarded with his cum or his pee.  I love to suck his feet and toes so much, that it will always be an incentive for my to obey and please him, knowing that he might allow me that pleasure.

I was getting more and more aroused.  Wishing that he were here, longing to be ravished by him, and be able to taste him.  I continued to fuck myself, and also rubbed a finger against my anus.  It was all so wet.  He then said how he would tie me down to the bed, have me even sleep like that, with my collar on, and tied.  Then with me like that, unable to move, he would pee on me, let the pee run all over my body – leave me like that, laying in his pee.  This really turned me on, imagining being soaked by his pee, and laying in his pee, with the taste still in my mouth, feeling and smelling the aroma of my Master’s pee all around me.  Then I would be allowed to take a bath.

Then told to make him cum, he said to tell him my fantasies.  I said that I want to belong to him, please him, and serve him, and that my cunt belongs to him.  I said that I was fucking it for him, longing to feel him fuck it, or whip it or crop it, and to have it pierced.  I said that I am a human object for him, for his pleasure, an object who adores him and wants to please him.  When he was about to cum, he said to open my mouth.  I begged him to please cum in me, please, I longed to taste him.

Afterwards he asked me what were my plans for the day.  I said that I would be working on my diary, and then go out food shopping.  He said to phone him before I went to sleep.  Still high, I laid on the bed for a while.  It was about 3.45 pm by now.  It is amazing how I was at the computer earlier, and then within an hour I was put into such a state of high arousal and came as close to having an orgasm as you can get.  My Master really does make me feel alive.

I think at the moment I have only 2 areas of difficulty regarding my status as a slave.  I say “only”.  Unfortunately they are big ones!  But I’m sure they can be overcome.

The first is to do with reconciling my work/career with my existence as my Master’s slave.  It’s like thinking I went to university, worked hard, got a degree, and after 10 years, I have got a good job, and now I have decided to become a slave.  It doesn’t seem right.  I remember in Xxxxxxix having great difficulty in being a slave, yet still trying to be myself.  I used to think that the only way I am going to be able to be a slave, is if I completely lose myself, give up all control, my complete being, but in doing so I would also lose the capacity to use my brain and mind at work.  And Lxxxxx has said many times, how he wants me to work.  My mind and intelligence are assets, and they should be used.  He doesn’t want me to just be a slave who is chained up 24/7.  On the plus side, I did go to work when my Master was here.  I did my work OK, even though he was on my mind all the time.  So it isn’t impossible.  Also as I am reading that book, Venus In Furs, it is clear that the male character in the book is an educated, intelligent, very well read man, but at the same time he has such an overwhelming desire to submit to a woman and become her slave.  But it doesn’t mean that he is now any less intelligent, or has lost any of his interests in art or literature.  So what I should probably be doing is developing my mind and brain power (rather than losing it), and at the same time still follow my desires and submit to my Master.  Because by developing my mind, and becoming interested in some of the things that interest my Master, I am enhancing his life, and mine too.  (It sounds like I am almost solving my own problem here!).

The second area is less specific.  It is the whole thing really – giving up total control.  The only good thing here is that I think it is actually happening slowly but surely.  I’m sure that the distance between us is not helping.

But apart from all that I’m OK (lol).  But seriously I am trying, or rather trying to let things happen naturally, and letting my desires continue to push me in the right direction. 

Well I am being honest here.

I was thinking about what my Master said to me on the phone – how I must think in terms of making his life easier, and what I can do to please him.  I think I am beginning to think like that more now.  For instance, I am sending him more cards and post cards in the mail.  Sometimes just a post card with just a few lines, but thinking that it will amuse him.  But I think what I have got to do is actually try to do things for him, even before he asks.  That is more difficult from this distance, but maybe I can find a way to surprise him sometimes.  After all he is constantly surprising me!

When I went to bed, I was more than ready to masturbate.  I put on my collar, and used pegs on my nipples.  I then laid on my stomach with a vibrator on my clit.  I masturbated and fantasised like that for quite some time.  I fantasised about lots of things, including some of the things I had read about in this book.  I then turned over and laid on my back, and placed the vibrator so it was just touching the top of my clit.  The really sensitive bit.  I was imagining that my Master had restrained me in bed at night, with a chain attached to my collar and then secured to the bed.  I masturbated and fantasised for almost an hour but didn’t actually have an orgasm.  My nipples were becoming tender so I had to take the pegs off.  It was really quite late when I settled down to go to sleep.  As I got back into bed, naked, I still felt aroused.  Just the feel of the bed covers on my nipples and cunt made me feel so sexy.

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