I’ve lost my Master and it was my fault

Saturday, July 27

I woke up at about 8.15 am.  I got out of bed and put my slave collar on, and then got into my position and said my oath to my Master.  I stayed like that for a couple of minutes and then I stood up and asked for permission to go to the bathroom.  I then got ready to go to Xxxxxxxxxxx.

Before I left home, I sent an e-mail to my Master to say hello.  Also I managed to get the post before I left.  My mum had received the bank draft and had sent it to me.  Before going to Xxxxxxxxxxx, I went to Xxxxxxxxxxx to collect some photographs which I need for my Xxxxxxx application.  So that was good.  Some progress made.  I then drove to Xxxxxxxxxxx

I checked a few places – to see what I can get, and what I can’t get in Xxxxxxxxxxx.  But I did get some wine, and one or two other things.  I got home for about 3.30 pm.  I hoped that it would be a good time to be able to talk with my Master.  I went upstairs, got undressed and put my collar on.  When I phoned him, it was lovely to hear him.  I said my oath to him, and then he told me to get up and make myself comfortable.  My Master had been up for a good hour or so, and he asked me how my day had been.  He asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day, and I said to him that I might go to the gymnasium.  He said that I should do something that will help me to relax, as I had been a bit stressed lately.  I really appreciated him saying that.  My Master said that he would be going out later, but that I could phone him before I went to bed.  He said he does think about me a lot.  We then said bye.

When he is like this with me I kind of feel that he is somehow looking after me, and I feel quite submissive towards him, and if he were here I would just want to get down on the floor at his feet.  He does affect my emotions and feelings so much.  I mean he can take me to such sexual highs within a few minutes, and then at other times, like now, I feel sort of protected by him.  It’s hard to explain. 

I went to the gymnasium and had a work out for about 40 minutes.  After than I went food shopping.  I have relaxed a bit this evening.  I have watched a movie that I taped earlier in the week.  In a way, it is good to get absorbed in a movie, but I had the phone nearby in case my Master phoned. 

I have been thinking about all that has happened this week.  My Master does know me well.  He knows that I am naïve in some things and that I don’t stick up for myself.  I think I am better in the work environment than in the outside world.  Work is OK because I know the people and they know me.  I have to deal with a lot of different people, and get some people to do things, and I know that I could be a lot more pushy, but it’s not my style.  But outside I know that I let people get away with things.  My Master has said that he wants me to be more confident and assertive, so that I can deal better with situations such as the opticians.  I trust people too much – that’s my problem.  It’s OK to trust my Master, but maybe I should learn to question everybody else. 

My Master has also said that I need to learn to follow his instructions exactly.  I do try to follow his instructions.  I mean it’s not a conscious decision to not follow them.  The problem is that I think too much, and as a result my actions are not what my Master wanted.  But it is unintentional.  I am wondering how I can get to the point where I do just follow his instructions and obey him without thinking.  Because that is what a true slave does.  I think being with him will help, because while I am here, I am not really being controlled by him all the time. 

Should obedience always come naturally for a slave, I wonder?  I know that my Master wants my submission to be out of my own free will, but I wonder if there is anything he can do to make me more obedient?  Probably, but maybe he wouldn’t want to use the methods that he would have to.  I don’t know.  My Master has said that when I am with him, I will be naked inside the house and will wear my collar.  I think that this will be good for me, because only then will I begin to really learn that my Master has control of me. 

It is after 9.30 pm now.  I’ll go upstairs soon, and I’ll practice some positions for him.  I’ll ask my Master if he wants me to wear the corsets at home at specific times only. 

Before going upstairs I had a quick look at one of the slave’s site I read from time to time.  In it she keeps a punishment log.  Her most recent punishment had been because she had failed to obey the ‘shave each day’ rule.  She lives away from her master, and her punishment was that she couldn’t shave until at least the next time she sees him.  That would be 7 to 10 days.  And during the summer time, it was going to cause her some embarrassment.  She had also admitted that she had fallen behind in writing her journal and had spent too much time watching TV.

Reading this it makes me realise that not all slaves get it right all of the time, and even if someone is writing on the Internet, it doesn’t mean that they are a better slave than those who don’t.  I used to think that these women were much better slaves than I could ever be, and that they were somehow different to me.  But now I know that everyone is different, and everyone’s relationship is different.  At least I do shave, and I am doing what I can to shave my pussy area as best I can.  Legs, arms and everywhere else is OK.  There is no skin irritation here.  I love it when I am nicely shaved before I phone my Master.  And on the issue of writing in my journal/diary, I do see this as one of my priorities each day.  I will happily miss watching TV so I can write in my diary.  That’s why I felt a bit guilty watching a movie this evening.  But my Master had told me to relax more today.

When I went upstairs I got undressed.  Then I put on a pair of black stockings, my shoes, collar and belt around my waist fairly tightly.  I then went into the small room at the front of the house, and stood in front of the mirror.  I just stood for a few minutes, standing tall, pushing out my breasts.  I wasn’t really thinking about anything, just thinking about my submission to my Master.  I then knelt up.  And then I got into the table position, and practiced this, checking my position in the mirror.  I then got into the face down ass up position, and finally into my sitting position.  I had to take my shoes off for this.  I spent around 25 minutes in all.  I know it’s not much really.  I don’t know for how long my Master will ever require me to hold a position.  When I have practiced before I have held each position for 15 minutes, and have stood still for over 30 minutes on one occasion.  It is good for self discipline and for focussing on my submission.

Afterwards although I hadn’t been thinking about anything sexy or erotic, I could sense that my pussy was wet.  I went to the bathroom to clean it up.  I then took off the stockings and belt, and I phoned my Master.  When he answered he ordered me to speak.  I said my oath to him.  He said good, and for me to get up and get onto the bed.

He said that he had been sleeping.  The heat just takes it out of you he said.  He asked me what I had been doing, and what movie I had watched.  Regarding the corsets, he said to get used to wearing them – a couple of hours each evening.  He didn’t expect me to go to work wearing a corset.  But he said that when I am with him, I will be wearing it a lot of the time.

My Master asked me how I had got on with the new razors.  I said to him that I hadn’t had a bath tonight yet, and that I was going to have a quick bath before going to sleep.  Before we said bye, he said that I could phone him at about 6.30 in the morning. 

I then had a bath, and used the new razor on my pussy area.  It gives a smoother shave, but I still have a bit of a rash.  It’s not as bad as it used to be though.  I’ll see how I get on, and hopefully it will get better over the next few weeks.  I then settled down to go to sleep.

Sunday, July 28

At 7.45 am the phone rang.  I was still asleep.  I reached for my collar and put it on.  I then got down onto the floor and answered the phone.  My Master said “who are you?”  I said I am your slave.  I then said my oath.  My Master asked where I was.  I said that I was on the floor by the bed.  He asked what I was wearing.  I said nothing.  My Master then said to put my collar on.  I said that I had already put it on, and that was why the phone was ringing for longer than usual.

My Master then said to get up onto the bed and to spread my legs wide, with my knees up, and to spread my legs wider still.  As far as I could.  I said yes Master.  He then said to touch his cunt.  I said to my Master that it was wet.  He asked what does a slave want every morning.  I said to suck her Master’s cock and get fucked.  My Master said that’s right, and said that I will suck his cock until it gets hard, and then he will fuck me, and then I’ll suck him some more.  He then told me to get into the face down ass up position and to spread my cunt for him.  He said how he will put the tip of his cock into my cunt and then fuck me in the ass – hard.  He said you want to be fucked in the ass don’t you?  I said yes Master.  And then he said he will take it out and put it back in my mouth, because my mouth is a second cunt for him.

My Master said to put 3 fingers inside my cunt.  He asked what is the purpose of my tongue, and I said to him that it is to lick him.  And he said yes.  It’s purpose is to lick, and I will lick whatever he says – his cock, his shoes, the floor, the toilet.  He said I will lick him whenever he says, and I will lick another cunt if he says, or another cock if he says.  And especially in front of others.  I must show that I obey him.  And if I disobey him, then I embarrass him.  And he said you don’t want to embarrass me do you?  I said no Master.  He said that if I do embarrass him, and do it 2 or 3 times, he will no longer consider me his slave, and that will be the end.  I asked my Master whether I had embarrassed him.  He said not yet, but I hadn’t been tested yet had I?  I said no Master.  He said that when I am with him this time he will maybe test me in front of someone who knows about our relationship. 

My Master then told me to slide down onto the bed post and push my cunt onto it.  By now it was wet, but as soon as I started to fuck myself on the bed post, it got so much wetter.  My Master said to push it harder.  I did.  He said to imagine doing this, with another slave’s cunt in front of my face.  She is pushing her cunt onto my face, while she sucks on my Master’s cock.  My Master said to think about the taste of her cunt.  He wants me to love licking another cunt.  He said I will lick her, and run my tongue along her clit and make her cum.  And my Master said to imagine that when she cums, he will cum all over her face.  I will then be able to lick up his cum from her face as my reward.  I was thinking about this as I continued to grind my cunt into the bed post.  Working it hard – making it hurt.

My Master said that he will tie me up in uncomfortable positions and leave me there, and then pee on me.  I begged him to please use my body as his toilet.  I really want to be trained to worship his pee as I worship his cum.  To have my mouth used as his toilet and then feel some of his pee run out and flow over my breasts and I’ll rub it into my body and over my face.  And I want to be trained to absolutely worship his cock, and to know that I exist to serve my Master’s cock.  My Master said to imagine his cock in my mouth.  Feel the texture, the aroma, the taste.  He said that I will lick his cock, his balls and his ass.  I said to my Master how I love to lick his balls and his ass.  I love to have my faced buried in between his legs, licking him, loving his aroma. 

My Master then ordered me to bark, and I did so.  He kept me barking like this.  He wanted to hear me cum.  By now I was besides myself.  It was like the bed post and I were connected, as I continued to work my cunt into it.  I was in another world with my Master.  A few times I kind of crossed a line where I practically cum (maybe it is a form of orgasm), and I completely lose myself.  (Or maybe I am actually finding myself).  I’m overwhelmed by my desire to be his cunt, his slut, and nothing else.  My Master said that I am his cunt – his cunt on 2 legs, with 3 orifices for his use.

I said to my Master to please make me his slave, his total slave.  He said that a slave is tattooed and pierced, and must be marked.  And must have one thought only – to please her Master.  I said yes Master.  He said what was I thinking.  I was seeing myself naked at his feet, wishing only to please him.  I said to my Master that I am his bitch, his pet, his dog.  I love to be his dog, and I’ll crawl for him, bark for him, pee and eat and drink like a dog.  I’ll drink out of a bowl on the floor.  Water, his pee, whatever he gives me.  I was imagining licking up his pee out of a bow.

My Master was close to cumming.  He said to open my mouth for him, as he was cumming.  I did, and imagined his beautiful cum in my mouth.  He then said to stop rubbing myself and to lay down.  I could hardly move for a second.  I then laid exhausted on the bed, and said yes Master.  He said to phone him at 7.00 in the morning.

My whole body was wet with perspiration.  My hair even.  And perspiration had run down onto my face and I could taste it on my lips.  My cunt was so wet and ached beautifully.  I laid on the bed, making the sheets damp but I didn’t care.  They could be washed.  When I had finally calmed down and dried off, I got into my submission position and I said my oath.  I then stayed like that for a few minutes, thinking about my submission.  I then got up and asked my Master for permission to go to the bathroom to pee.  I took off my collar and in the mirror I could see that it had left a bit of a grey mark because of the perspiration, because my whole body really had been dripping everywhere. 

I peed and then ran a bath.  As I laid in the bath, I thought about what my Master had said.  I don’t want him to have to dismiss me because I disobey him and embarrass him in front of others, not do I want him to have to dismiss me for any other reason.  It would destroy me.  I would probably recover in time, but it would always be with me.  I wonder if my Master thinks how I am going to react in front of somebody.  I know that I fantasise about this a lot, and it even brings me to orgasm.  Is the fact that I want to please my Master and that it turns me on going to be enough?  I think so, because when I obey him, that makes him feel good, and then he is pleased with me, and that makes me feel good, and makes me want to please him even more.

I then got myself dried off and I had some breakfast.  I had a good breakfast – some eggs and a toasted bagel, and then some strawberries.  And then I went off to work for a few hours. 

When I got back from the office it was about 2.40 pm.  I then went upstairs to get ready to phone my Master.  When he answered the phone, I said my oath to him.  He asked when did I get home.  I said about 20 minutes ago.  He said he knew, as he had called me.  I said that I was sorry that I wasn’t here for him.  My Master asked how was this morning.  I said it was intense and mind blowing.  I said that I think I did cum, and kind of lost myself a few times.  He said that it’s good to get like this, and he wants me to get over all these obstacles, so that pain and pleasure merge into one, and the whole thing merges into one, and I am able to let myself go completely.

My Master said that it was too bad that I wasn’t there earlier.  He had woken up with a lovely erection.  I started to imagine it, and started to get aroused.  I remained correctly in my position though.  He described how he was laying on the bed, half sat up with some pillows behind him, legs spread apart, with one knee bent up, and holding his erect cock.  He said that I would be in front of him and would start sucking his cock.  I was by now really aroused again. 

My Master asked was I wet.  I said yes Master.  But he said you haven’t touched yourself have you?  I said no Master.  And then he asked was I still in my position.  I said yes Master.  He said that’s right, because he hadn’t yet released me from it.  He asked me where I was.  I said on the floor, and he asked which room.  I said the bedroom.  My Master then told me to stand up.  I did so, not knowing what he was going to have me do.  He said to sit on the bed post, and to push my cunt onto it.  Hard.  And to move my hips and really push my cunt onto the post.  And to then move it around in a circular motion. 

I was soon out of myself again, almost unaware of where I was.  All I could feel was my cunt pushed against the bed post.  It hurt but it was a nice sort of pain.  I was going crazy.  I can hardly remember all of what my Master said to me, but I do know that he said that he will pee on me, and then he took me to such heights when he said that he knows that I want to have the experience of being shitted on.  I said yes Master.  He said he will put down some plastic sheets and I’ll lay down.  He will squat over me and put his anus to my face and I’ll lick his anus, and then he’ll begin to shit and I’ll see it, smell it and then feel it on my face and in my mouth.  I said yes Master, yes.  And I’ll rub it into my body.  And then my Master said to imagine doing that to another slave, and while I shit on her, my Master will pee in my mouth.  The feeling I had was amazing.  I was wild with desire.  And all the time I was pushing my cunt onto the bed post, harder and harder, not thinking about the pain. 

My Master kept me like this, but soon I couldn’t last any longer.  I was begging him, and then I asked him could I rest please.  He was silent for a second or 2, and then said OK.  He said to get off the post, and lay on the bed.  I could barely move.  My legs were almost giving way.  I laid down on the bed.  It took a while for me to come back down.  My Master then said that was going to send me an e-mail with some clear instructions, which he wanted followed to the letter.  He said that it wasn’t a punishment, but to make me learn that I had to follow his instructions.  He said that it would start from today, from the time I read the e-mail.  He said is that clear.  I said yes Master.

Afterwards I was so wet again.  I had already changed the sheets, so instead of laying on the bed, I got down on the floor.  I was wondering what my Master was going to say in his e-mail.  I was getting a bit worried.  After about 15 minutes I came downstairs and got onto the Internet.  My Master had sent me a list of things to get to bring with me.  He had also given me instructions for phoning him, and said that I am to wear my black corset for 2 hours each evening, then to kneel by my bed for 30 minutes, and to think about my desire to please my Master, and that I had to be in bed by 10.00 pm. 

I had wanted to cut the lawn outside, but I was exhausted.  I looked on the Internet for about an hour or so to see if I could find the things my Master wanted.  I was getting a bit distraught because I couldn’t find what he wanted exactly.  Things weren’t the correct size.  There was a towel, and it said beach towel, but didn’t give the size.  But I could probably get a flag over the Internet, if I can’t find one in the shops.  So after a while, I stopped looking on the Internet, as it was making me tense, and I thought that I will find these things one way or another anyway, so there’s no point in worrying now.

At 6.35 pm I went upstairs to put on my corset.  It took less time to put it on this time, and I managed to lace it up tighter.  By 6.50 it was on properly.  It felt good and looked sexy.  I looked at myself in the mirror and my pussy was starting to get wet.  I wiped the pussy juice away, and came downstairs to work on my diary.  All the time I have been writing this, I have sat with my corset on, and nothing else.  It feels nice and controlling, and I’m sure that when I am with my Master dressed like this, I will feel a lot different.  It is now almost 8.35 pm.  A little while ago my Master phoned.  I got down on the floor and said my oath to him.  He knew that I had been on the Internet.  I said to my Master that I was wearing my corset.  I asked him if I am still to be allowed to go out on Thursday evening.  I had mentioned it to him a couple of weeks ago.  The team at work are going out bowling.  He said yes.  But then I wondered what to do about wearing my corset, as I wouldn’t be home until after 9.00 pm.  My Master said that I could make up for it on Friday by wearing it for 4 hours.  I said yes.  My Master then let me go, and said I could phone him at noon tomorrow, but reminded me that I am to check my e-mail first.

I have to now finish my diary and send it to my Master so that I can go upstairs at 8.50 to kneel for 30 minutes.  I will be able to reflect on my submission and understand that my function is to please my Master in all ways.  At 9.20 I will run a bath, and will have time to wash my hair and do my nails before going to bed at 10.00 pm. 

I love my Master for controlling me like this, and helping me to understand my purpose.

I then went upstairs and knelt on the floor in front of the bed.  It is a very humbling experience.  For the first five minutes I remained perfectly still, thinking about how I exist only to please my Master.  I thought deeply about my desire to submit to him, and I was becoming more aware of the way in which my Master is controlling me, and the feel of the corset just enhances that feeling.  I was getting turned on.  I could feel the pussy juice building up inside my cunt, but I couldn’t touch it.  I was probably getting turned on too because I actually do like showing my submission to my Master by remaining in a position for him.  But I quickly re-focussed on my thoughts, and the reason why I was kneeling.  After 15 minutes I was becoming a little uncomfortable, and I moved my knees slightly, however I knew I had to remain in this position.  But I was also very happy to do this, and I started to sink further into my submission and my thoughts.  I felt different too because my Master has now assumed more control over me.  For the last 5 minutes I was struggling a little to hold the position, but I did.  I know that in the future I may be required to kneel for longer periods of time.  So this will be good training for me.

After the 30 minutes had ended, I took off my corset, and put is somewhere where it could be aired.  I then ran a bath.  I had a quick wash and washed my hair.  I didn’t shave, as I had decided to do that in the morning.  I made sure that I was in bed for 10.00 pm as my Master had said.

One reason that I didn’t shave is because of the new razor.  Although it gives a much closer shave, it had irritated the skin near my pussy.  It was like I’m shaving for the first time again.  And it had become worse as the day had gone on.  I thought that it needed some time to recover.

Monday, July 29

During the night it was quite warm and I woke up a few times.  On the first occasion I needed to go to the loo.  I got out of bed and stood by the bed, and asked my Master for permission.  I also seemed to be dreaming a lot.  I think what my Master has planed for me this week was going around in my mind.  But my dreams weren’t really bad ones.

I had set the alarm clock for 7.00 am, and I woke up a little before that.  I got up at 7.10 (earlier than usual).  I put on my collar and got down on the floor to say my oath.  I then stood up and asked my Master for permission to go to the bathroom to pee.

After that I checked my e-mail.  I wondered if my Master had maybe sent me some other instructions, or had maybe commented on something I was doing.  I really don’t expect him to say anything special, because following his instructions is something that he expects me to do anyway, but I will probably just ask him if I am doing alright.  Maybe he won’t be able to say yet, because he only started me on this schedule yesterday.  I sent a message to him, to say hello.

I have been thinking about Thursday evening.  Although my Master has said that I can go out, the problem is that I will be out at 8.00 pm when I am due to phone him, and I wouldn’t be able to check my e-mail beforehand.  Plus, I would have less time to do my diary.  So I think I’ll suggest to my Master that I don’t go (unless he specifically says to go), because I would be happier being at home, and being able to do all that he has asked of me.  And anyway there will probably be another opportunity to go out some time.

I then got washed and ready for work.  I shaved my underarms, and my pussy lips (there’s no problem there), but the skin on the pubic mound was still sore.  I didn’t think that shaving it right now would be good.  (It is a bit easier now).  I wore a longish dark blue silk skirt, a nice top, bra, stockings and no panties.  My Master had already said that I will wear a skirt with no panties this week at work, but in his e-mail from yesterday he stipulated again that I will not wear panties at work, not at any other time.

A I am going to bed earlier now, I had decided to get up earlier, and I will be able to go swimming or go to the gymnasium at lunchtime, so that way I can keep up with my exercising, as I thought there might not be enough time after work.  So I took my gym kit with me to work today, as the lunchtime swimming session was not until 1.30 pm.  Tuesday and Wednesday are good times for going swimming at lunchtime.

At work my Master had sent me a nice e-mail.  I went to the gym just after noon and when I got back to the office it was 1.40 pm.  It was very strange not phoning my Master at his usual time.  I’ve been phoning him at 5.30 during the week for almost as long as I can remember!  I’m not going to wonder why he doesn’t want me to call him.  I understand that I don’t need to know why.  But I have to admit, I did have a quick wonder why, but I haven’t thought about it for long.

But at 1.30 I did certainly think about him.  I thought about him waking up, and then getting up and then thought about him shaving and showering.  Towards the end of the afternoon I was thinking about what I had to do when I got home.

By 6.45 pm I was in my corset.  I seem to be able to put it on more easier now, and I laced it up as tight as yesterday, or maybe it was a little tighter.  But it will go a fair bit tighter yet.  I am actually looking forward to being with my Master and being laced up really tightly some times.  I really want to please him visually.  As soon as I put it on, it has a dramatic effect on me.  Apart from the pussy juices starting to flow, I feel like I am being really controlled, and I seem more focussed on my activities.

At 7.45 pm I checked my e-mail.  There were no messages from my Master.  I then went upstairs in time to phone him.  It was lovely to hear him.  He was OK, but unfortunately his neck was giving him trouble and he was tired.  I needed to check with him about timings of what I am to do in the evening.  Because while I was at work today, I was thinking was I meant to start wearing the corset as soon as I got home, or start at a specific time.  The thing is I get home at different times.  I think my Master probably thought I was a little bit nuts, but it was best to check, because now I know exactly what to do.  And I didn’t want to do anything wrong.  It is 8.40 pm now.  I will send my diary to my Master and then go upstairs for my 30 minutes session in silent concentration and contemplation.  It is good for focussing the mind.

As it turns out, my Master doesn’t mean for me to be in bed by 10.00 pm exactly.  But he does want me to go to bed earlier, and have a good sleep.  My Master also said that I should go out on Thursday, even though I will have to phone him at noon his time on my mobile phone. 

Again I am thankful to him for helping me to learn what my purpose is.

After finishing with the computer I went upstairs.  I knelt by the bed and started to focus upon my submission, and understand that the reason for my existence is to please my Master.  I concentrated on my breathing and relaxed my body, yet at the same time kneeling correctly and allowing my submission to take over my thoughts.  Kneeling like this makes me realise just how deep my desire to submit actually is.  And also my desire to become a total slave for my Master.  My Master has said that when I can anticipate his needs, and when I correctly respond to just a look from him, or a click of his fingers or any other sign, then I will have got to the right sort of level.  I don’t know how long that will take, but I hope that when I am with my Master, my continued training will ensure that I move towards this goal.  I know there will be difficulties along the way, and sometimes the progress may be slow, but I hope that I can at least continue to develop and improve. 

I held the position much better this evening, as I think I was a lot calmer, and settled into this new format.  However my pussy was still wet, but at no time did I touch it.  After the 30 minutes were completed, I stood up.  I then took off my corset.  After a few minutes I ran a bath.  I enjoyed my bath but my mind was still focussed, but I was also relaxed.  It was around 10.10 pm when I got into bed.  I read some more of my massage book.  I have read the section on the individual techniques.  The next section is about putting together some of the techniques to form a complete massage.  I am very much looking forward to giving my Master his massages. 

At around 11.00 pm the phone rang.  It was my Master.  He was at work, and had some bad news.  He said his porcelain tooth had cracked.  He’d had it done in Toronto about 13 years ago.  He said that he would be at the dentist tomorrow, and that maybe he wouldn’t be in the office at noon.  But he said that I should check my e-mail and hopefully I would be able to talk with him.  I really felt sorry for him, because he is having to deal with so much lately.  I hoped that his visit to the dentist would be successful.  He then said bye. 

Tuesday, July 30

It was another warm and humid night.  The bedroom was really warm due to the heat from the day before.  But it is nice in a way being able to just lay on the bed with a cover partially over my body.  I woke up a couple of times again.  And I did go to the loo.  But I asked my Master for permission.

I woke up at 6.50 am and waited for the alarm clock to go off.  I was wondering how my Master was.  I was hoping that his tooth hadn’t prevented him from sleeping.  When I got up, I put my collar on and got down on the floor into my position.  I said my oath to my Master and then after a couple of minutes I stood up and asked for permission to go to the bathroom to pee. 

Like yesterday I checked my e-mail.  My Master had sent me a couple of pictures of his tooth.  I really felt for him.  I think I would be a bit distraught if one of my crowned teeth suddenly came loose.  I sent him an e-mail, and asked him if I could help him at all. 

I then went upstairs to get ready for work.  I shaved this morning – my pussy area too.  It is a little better now.  While I was in the bath I was thinking about yesterday when I was asking my Master about when I am to wear the corset, and all that.  But now I know exactly what I am doing.  Yesterday I probably put it on a little early.  I was also thinking about Thursday evening.  I will still be able to do my 30 minutes concentration, wearing my corset, when I come back.  And my Master has said that I can wear my corset for 4 hours on Friday to make up for the time I will miss on Thursday. 

I then got dressed for work.  I wore my brown skirt, a white top, bra, and stockings.  Wearing no panties is not really anything unusual for me now.  And I know that when I am with my Master, I will rarely wear them.  He has said that right from the start.  It does still feel different though, but that is what I want – to feel different.  It is a mixture of feeling sexy, vulnerable and controlled too.  At work my Master had sent me an e-mail saying that he would be at the dentist at 10.30.  He also said that someone from FedEx claims would be contacting him.  I was pleased about that.

Again at 1.30 my time, I thought about my Master.  I posted a card to him.  It was a long afternoon at work.  I didn’t get home until 6.00 pm.  At home I checked my e-mail.  My Master had sent me an e-mail saying that he will know more about the cost of fixing his tooth after he has been to the dentist.  I had my evening meal before putting on my corset.  It was just before 7.00 pm when I went upstairs to put it on.  I did lace it up tighter tonight.  It’s amazing how it makes me feel.  It really does bring out all those deep submissive feelings that I have, and my desire to please my Master by stimulating him visually.  If it gives him pleasure to see me laced up tightly, then it gives me pleasure too.  Since reading those books (Controlling Christine and the other one I got), I have also realised that I am turned on by the idea of a woman being dressed with the sole reason of accentuating her body – high heels to enhance her legs, and a tight corset to enhance her waist and breasts. 

I checked my e-mail first of all at around 7.35 pm, and then at 7.45 pm.  It took a couple of minutes to re-dial, but when I got onto my e-mail, there was a message from my Master saying that he was home and that I should phone him there.  I hoped that he was alright.  I went upstairs and I put on my collar and then phoned him.  As he was at home, I said my oath to him.  He said good, and for me to get up and make myself comfortable.  As I had my corset on, I sat up on the bed.  He told me about his visit to the dentist.  He won’t know the outcome until next Wednesday.  But despite this, he was OK.  He was having some lunch at home, before going back to the office.  One thing I admire about my Master is that he doesn’t let things get him down.  He just gets on with things and deals with them as necessary.  He then said bye, and that maybe he would send me an e-mail from work.

I then came downstairs to continue with my diary.  I realised that I still had my collar on, so I left it on for a while.  I am used to the feeling now, that I sometimes forget I’m wearing it. 

I will go upstairs shortly to begin my 30 minutes in concentration at 9.05 pm.  When I went upstairs I was thinking about my Master, wondering how he was.  I got into my kneeling position to start my concentration.  I slowly relaxed my body and focused on my thoughts.  The time seemed to go fairly quickly, and I had remained in my position well.  I think the key to that is to relax and to focus on thoughts, rather than the physical aspect.

Afterwards I took off my corset and ran a bath.  I wondered how my Master was.  When I went to bed it was around 10.15 pm.  I was a little cooler than the previous couple of nights.

Monday, July 30

I woke up during the night, and got out of bed to go to the loo.  I stood by my bed and asked my Master for permission.  I then settled in bed again, and soon fell asleep.  I was woken up later by the alarm clock going off at 7.00 am.  I had been dreaming.  About 10 minutes later I got up.  I put on my collar and got down on the floor into my position and said my oath to my Master.  I remained in my position for a couple of minutes.  I then stood up and I asked my Master for permission to go to the bathroom.  I peed and had a quick bath.  I shaved under my arms and legs, but left my pussy area for the evening, as the skin is still a little tender. 

I then went to check my e-mail.   I’ll get that done by the end of the week.  I then got dressed.  I wore another longish blue skirt that I have, a blue top, bra, nice stockings and shoes.  But no panties.  I haven’t worn any panties since my Master gave me specific instructions last Sunday not to.  Since I have had this new routine, I have been going to bed earlier as my Master has said, and as a result I have been getting up earlier.  Maybe it is partly due to the fact that I am going to bed earlier, but also my evenings are different now and this is a good reason to change other areas too, and make improvements.  If I get to work earlier then it gives me the chance to have a longer lunch, and maybe go to the gymnasium, or be able to come home earlier.  I have also been listening to classical music when in the bathroom.  Especially in the evenings, it helps me to relax and keep the thoughts in my mind.  I took my gym kit to work with me.

When I got to work, I saw the e-mail that my Master had sent.  He must have been a bit down, and I felt sorry for him.  I got on with my work, but I was thinking about him.  During the morning I also saw my boss, and we went through the reference that I had drafted up.  He is going to write some more, and then I’ll get it typed up and it will be done by Friday.  At 12.15 I went to the gymnasium.  I had a good exercise session.  I was back at the office by 1.50 pm.  During the time driving back, I was thinking about my Master getting up, peeing, then shaving and taking his shower.

I had a bit of a headache in the afternoon.  The weather wasn’t good.  It was humid and close.  (It’s actually brightened up now.  It’s 7.20 pm).  I came home at 5.00 pm.  I spent an hour or so getting all the papers for Canada into the correct order.  There is a tag to attach to each of the papers.  So it is just about ready for sending off now.  At just after 7.00 pm I went upstairs to put on my corset.  I’m getting good at putting it on now.  I laced it up fairly tight.  Not only does it enhance the figure, it’s good for general posture too.  It makes you sit up properly!

I am getting more used to wearing it now, although I still get kind of turned on by the feeling.  I can imagine wearing it for long periods of time for my Master when I am with him, and my pussy will probably be wet, although I don’t think my Master is going to complain about that.  In fact I would really love it if wearing the corset does make me wet, because not only will I be more submissive and obedient, but my cunt will always be ready for my Master – as it should be.  And that feeling will make me even wetter, so it’s like some vicious circle (a nice vicious circle though).

I looked at a couple of sites on the web.  One is by a slave who lives in the north of England.  She keeps a log on one of these slave register sites.  I smiled, because in her entry from yesterday, she said that she was caught in the thunderstorms that hit most of England yesterday.  I was driving home just as it began.  This is another slave who I would feel happy contacting some time maybe.  I also looked at this slave register site and clicked on internal enslavement.  I have read about this before.  There was a Test Yourself multiple choice thing.  The surprising thing is that I got about 9 of the 12 questions right first time.  So things must be sinking in.  It did say that everyone may not agree with the answers, but most of them made sense to me.

At 7.45 I checked my e-mail.  My Master had sent me a reply to my e-card.  I checked my e-mail again before going upstairs.  I put on my collar and got down on the floor.  It was just a few minutes before 8.00 pm.  I said my oath to my Master.  I then phoned him.  When he answered, he didn’t sound too great.  He is pissed off at the moment.  Dell are messing him about with his computer.  FedEx are making him really angry.  And on top of all that, his tooth had to break.  But at least I can be here for him to talk to, although as he said it would be better if I were there.  And I can help him by sending him some money to help cover the cost for his tooth and for an appointment with a lawyer.  But then we talked about more pleasant things.  My Master asked if I had been swimming.  I said not this evening, as the pool doesn’t open until 6.00 pm, but I did go to the gymnasium at lunchtime again, and hopefully I will go swimming again soon.  My Master said that he wants me to go out tomorrow evening and enjoy myself.  So I will.  Just as we said bye he reminded me that tomorrow was Thursday and he asked me what is happening tomorrow.  I said that I was phoning him in the morning.  He said that’s right.  I have had this in my mind since Sunday.  I will look forward to phoning him, but more importantly I will also be showing that I am following his instructions.  We then said bye.

I will be starting my 30 minutes session in concentration at 9.10 pm.  The time I spend doing this is very good for me.  I am able to reflect on my submission, understand my purpose and function, and see how I have progressed.  When I went upstairs I got into the kneeling position.  I started to focus upon my submission, then concentrated on the fact that my function is to please.  Because my Master is having a difficult time at the moment, I fully understand that I exist to please my Master in many ways.  I will please him physically, sexually, emotionally and psychologically.  If my Master is down, then I can please him by supporting him emotionally, and maybe physically by giving him a massage to help him relax.  I know that I must start to think in terms of what can I do to best please my Master and make his life more comfortable.  And the motivation for all my actions must be to please him in some way.

My pussy still becomes wet when I kneel like this.  I wonder if my Master minds this, or should I actually try not to get aroused?  But I do not touch myself at all.  Actually the not masturbating is strange.  I have simply accepted the fact that I am not to masturbate until my Master says different.  I understand that it is entirely my Master’s decision as to if and when I masturbate. 

Afterwards I took off my corset, and went to the bathroom to run a bath.  I relaxed in the bath for a while listening to classical music on the radio.  By the time I went to bed, it was around 10.15 pm.  I read for a short while, then I settled down to go to sleep, and said goodnight to my Master.  I love my Master.

Thursday, August 1 

Another month gone, but at least I am closer now to getting my application for Canada sent off. Most importantly in only 45 days on September 15, I will be with my Master again.

I woke up once during the night.  I got out of bed and I asked my Master for permission to go to the bathroom.  After I had peed I came back to bed.  I woke up before the alarm clock went off and finally got up at around 7.10 am.  I went through the remaining divorce papers again to see if there was anything that would help with this possible confusion over the name.  I found a letter from my ex’s solicitor that I thought may be useful, plus a document which I had signed for some other purpose, and it stated my ex-husband’s name at the time, but then I found what I needed – a document stating that my ex had legally changed his name in 1989.  So that is good.  I’ll send a copy of this, along with everything else.  I sent my Master an e-mail to say that this shouldn’t now be a problem.

I then got ready for work.  I had a quick bath, and shaved.  The skin on the pubic mound seems to be adjusting to the new razor.  At least I hope so.  I wore my shorter light brown skirt, black top, bra, stockings and dark brown shoes.  When I parked the car at work and walked across the car park to the office, I could feel the cool air between my legs (the weather has cooled down significantly).  My pussy felt really exposed.  At that moment I felt that it really did (and does) belong to my Master.  It’s like I’m just looking after it for him.  I really hope that when I am with my Master, he is feeling OK to be able to enjoy his cunt to the fullest.

When I got to the office, my Master had sent me an e-mail, saying to smile, but he wasn’t able to much right now.  He sounded a bit down.  Today was the day that I was due to phone my Master at his usual time in the morning.  I had an afternoon meeting off site which began at 2.00 pm.  I left my office early enough to be able to get there and get parked before 1.30 pm.  When I left my office, it was 12.31 pm.  I thought to myself that in 59 minutes I will be talking with him.  Funny, but I was getting a bit nervous.  I arrived at the other office for the meeting at 1.15 pm.  I stayed in the car until it was time to phone him.  When he answered, it was nice to hear him, but unfortunately he wasn’t feeling too great.  He had a headache – due to all that had been happening recently he said.  But he did ask how I was, which was nice.  I said to him that I was alright.  He said to phone him at noon, and I said, yes, although I would be at the bowling.  Then he said, to phone when I got home, as my mobile is expensive.  I said yes.  We then said bye. 

When I got home, I started to write in my diary.  My Master had sent me an e-mail to say that he had picked up his new computer.  I was pleased for him.  I went out to meet my friends from work for the bowling at around 7.10 pm.  I wore jeans, but no panties.  By the time we had met up and started bowling it was about 8.00 pm.  (Noon for my Master – I thought about him).  I did have a good time, but my thoughts were still with my Master.  Once or twice as I bowled, I thought to myself “This is for my Master” – and I tried to bowl as well as I could.  My bowling is a bit hit and miss (literally), but on average over the 2 games I scored just over 100 per game, which isn’t bad for me.  We finished bowling at about 9.45 pm.  I then said my farewells.  One other girl was going home too.  I was so looking forward to talking with my Master. 

When I got back home, I went upstairs, got undressed, put my collar on, and phoned him.  It was wonderful to hear him.  I said that I had missed him.  He told me about his new computer, and then said that someone senior from FedEx had called him. But it’s not over yet.  My Master is being really persistent.  But it has been a good lesson for me, and he said for him too.  Thankfully his headache had gone.  Before we said bye, I asked him if it was alright for me to wear jeans to work tomorrow.  He said that as he was in a good mood, then I could.  I know not to wear any panties though.  Also my Master said that he likes my e-mails that I am sending him in the morning, so he said to continue doing that. 

I’ll go upstairs now and have my 30 minutes in concentration, and think about my submission.  I went upstairs and knelt by the bed.  While I had enjoyed the bowling (and my Master was insistent that I went), all the same it was nice to be focussing once again on my submission and my desire to please my Master.  While I knelt, I allowed my body to relax and for my mind to empty itself of all thoughts other than the thought that I exist only to please my Master.  I focussed on that thought.  I really do want to learn and understand that my function is simply to please and serve my Master.  I am learning that I must always fulfill his needs before pursuing my own.

The 30 minutes had passed quickly, and I was almost sorry that I had to get up.  I stood up and I asked my Master for permission to take my corset off and to have a bath.  I then went to the bathroom, ran a nice hot bath.  I washed my hair (to get rid of the cigarette smoke – some of the group smoke), and then settled down to go to sleep.  I read for a little while, but soon I felt sleepy, and I turned off the light, saying goodnight to my Master.

Friday, August 2

Big day today – the Xxxxxxx visa application is being posted off. 

I had a good sleep.  I didn’t wake during the night – I must have been tired.  The alarm clock went off at 7.00 am.  A few minutes later, I got up.  I needed to go to the loo, but first I put on my collar and got down on the floor in my position.  I said my oath to my Master.  I then thanked my Master for allowing me to wear my jeans today.  I then stood up and asked for permission to go to the bathroom.  I then peed, and then came downstairs.  I had a bit of breakfast, and checked my e-mail.  I sent an e-mail to my Master.  He has said that he likes getting an e-mail in the morning, and wants me to continue sending them.  Of course I will do so, because he has said, but it also makes me happy, and it is also a good way of ensuring that I am up reasonably early every morning.  My Internet access during the week is from 6.00 pm until 8.00 am.  So if I get up at 7.00 am, I will always have sufficient time.  Though by my Master’s standards, that’s half way through the morning!

I got ready for work.  I wore my brown jeans, white “Las Vegas” T-shirt, and brown cord jacket, bra, shoes, no panties.  When I got to work, I knew that there might not be an e-mail from my Master, but still it was strange not seeing one there.  My plan at work was to get the essential things done in the morning and to then be able to leave the office around lunch-time.  Things went to plan, and I left work at 1.00 pm.  I went to the post office and posted my Canada application.  I have sent it registered delivery, which is more secure.  So now I just have to wait. 

I drove to Xxxxxxxxx and was there by 2.15 pm.  I had gone to Xxxxxxxxx mainly to check what there was there, so I would know what I had to get elsewhere or on the Internet.  Mainly I was looking for the Brit things and the ribbon for my choker.  I’m actually more concerned about getting the ribbon, because the person who is going to be doing this will be back from holiday on 19^th August.  That week I need to be able to take some sample materials to work out what is going to be best.  I’m actually still a bit concerned too as to whether my Master will be happy with it when it is done.  But as long as I stick to the design that he gave me, then it should be OK. 

I had planned to go round all the market areas.  (That’s where I finally found the rope – so maybe I’ll be lucky again).  The outcome of my trip was that I got a couple of Union Jack scarves.  Not silk unfortunately – a soft material though.  I got these from a normal shop, so if I find something else in the meantime, I can probably take these back or exchange them.  But I saw only one towel and it was too small.  Funny thing is that when I was looking for the Union Jack stickers that day, I’m sure I saw a large towel somewhere, because I thought to myself, there are no stickers, but there’s just about everything else.  But today I couldn’t find anything suitable.  The flag I have decided to get over the Internet anyway.  But I still haven’t found a suitable ribbon.  But what I could get is some heavy satin material, and see if anything could be done with that. 

At 4.00 pm it was getting time to come back home.  This evening I was due to wear my corset for 4 hours.  As I was driving home, I was a little despondent because I couldn’t find the things that my Master wanted.  But I will.  Oh, and I did see some lead soldiers, but I’ll see what else there is, and maybe ask my Master about them before I get them.  When I was getting nearer to home, I was actually looking forward to putting on my corset, and I was definitely looking forward to talking with my Master.

When I got home, I went upstairs, got undressed and put on my black corset.  I tied it up moderately tight.  I thought that maybe I could tie it a bit tighter for the last couple of hours.  By 5.30 pm I had the corset on.  Again, as soon as I laced it up, I felt really different.  I felt sexy, but also controlled.  The restriction on movement, plus the fact that I am being held very securely from my breasts down to below my waist, does turn me on.  And the fact that I am doing this for my Master turns me on more.  As I stood in front of the mirror I really did feel like my Master’s sexy cunt on 2 legs.  I could feel that my pussy was wet, but I couldn’t touch it.  All I could do was wipe it away, and put sexy thoughts out of my mind and get on with the evening.

I started to write in my diary, and then I had something to eat.  Not a big meal as it can be uncomfortable.  Soon after 6.00 pm, I signed onto the Internet.  My Master had sent me an e-mail to say that he spent most of last night installing his new computer, and there’s lots more to do yet.  I wrote back to him wishing him luck with the rest of the installation.  I said that the money transfer was done, and that I had posted my papers for Canada.  At least that was 2 good things done today.  I then spent some time on the Internet.  I have since found some towels, but one says out of stock and the other doesn’t state the size.  But I will find something.  I need to be persistent like my Master.

At 7.45 pm I checked my e-mail.  No new message from my Master, so a few minutes later, I went upstairs, ready to phone him.  I put on my collar.  I got down on the floor (not quite in my proper position because of the corset) and said my oath to my Master.  At 8.00 pm I phoned him.  It was wonderful to hear him.  He told me all about what he was doing last night.  He said that it was late when he went to sleep, and had to get up in the night, so although he was OK today, he was still a bit tired.  He said that it is going to be a busy week trying to get his computer fully up and running.  He asked me what my plans were for the weekend.  I said that I would go to Birmingham again in the morning.  (My plan is to check other shops for the towel, and there are one or two other things I want to get).  I said to my Master that I will then be home in time to phone him, and after that I didn’t have any plans.  I don’t need to go to work this weekend.  Actually I would like to do some exercising.  Maybe go to the gym Saturday afternoon, and go swimming Sunday morning. 

I asked my Master if 6.00 am in the morning was still alright for him.  He said yes, but he said that he didn’t want me to be rushing to get home.  He said that 6.30 or 7.00 would be alright.  He hoped that I would get some mail from him in the morning.  We then said bye. 

I am wondering what plans my Master will have for me next week.  He gave me my current instructions last Sunday for the week.  Maybe he will say to continue, or maybe he will give me completely new instructions.  Certainly I think that this is helping.  Last Sunday my Master said that I shouldn’t see this as a punishment, and I don’t.  However I do miss phoning my Master in the morning.  But I do understand that my Master gave me these instructions to help me learn to follow his instructions without questioning them.  Although I am not allowed to masturbate, I do have the occasional sexy fantasy.  Even at work, ideas and thoughts pop into my mind.  Like today, my mind just wondered off for a few minutes, and I was in my Master’s house, naked, wearing my collar and leash.  My Master ordered me to the bathroom as he wanted to pee.  In this little fantasy, I was imagining that I was becoming very well trained in serving my Master in this way.  Whenever my Master wanted to pee, I was always there in attendance ready to serve him in whatever way he wished.  On this occasion, my Master decided to pee into the toilet, however he did not lift up the seat.  When he had finished, I offered my open mouth and my tongue to him, and licked his cock clean.  I was then ordered to lick the toilet seat clean, as my Master had deliberately peed there a little.  My Master then said that as I had already cleaned the seat, I could clean the rest of the toilet with my tongue.  So I knelt in front of the toilet to begin, and as I licked the bowl, my Master held my leash and watched over me for a while to make sure that I was cleaning everywhere properly.  He then wrapped the end of the leash around the door handle, and left me to get on with it.

It is after 9.30 pm now, so I will go upstairs to kneel for 30 minutes. 

I started my 30 minutes at 9.35 pm.  For 30 minutes I remained in quiet contemplation, learning that my function is to please and serve my Master, and that nothing else should matter.  I am taking this week seriously, because in many ways I have to.  A lot of the time still, my slavery doesn’t come naturally.  It’s not that I am fighting it anymore, but still I have to learn to change some of my ways of thinking, and make adjustments to the way I think and act.  And by carrying out my Master’s instructions, I am hopefully breaking the mould.  It’s not so easy to change after 40 years.  But I know that it can be done.  After the 30 minutes, I said my oath to my Master.  I then said to him that I had worn my corset for 4 hours, followed by my 30 minutes in concentration, and could I please now take off the corset and have my bath. 

I’ll go and have my bath now, and then go to sleep. 

Saturday, August 3

I didn’t wake up during the night, and woke up first at 7.00 am.  However it was 7.45 am when I got up.  When I wake up each day, my first thought is always of my Master, and knowing that I am his slave.  I feel happy because I have a purpose.  I got out of bed, put my collar on, and got into my position.  I then said my oath to my Master.  I stayed in my position for a couple of minutes, enjoying the feeling of peace and calm that comes over me.  I then stood up and asked my Master for permission to go to the bathroom.  After having a bath, I came downstairs to check my e-mail.  My Master had sent me a message before he went to bed.  I wrote back to him, and said that I would look forward to talking with him later.

In the mail, there were 2 envelopes from my Master.  One was a CD with some music.  That was a nice surprise.  The other was a very special card.  Inside the card was a smaller card, and inside that another card.  And my Master had written some lovely words throughout, and inside the smallest card, he had written that he was the owner of my soul.  When I read this, I said to myself it’s true.  I certainly do feel this a lot more than I did earlier on in the relationship. 

I then got ready to go out.  However I didn’t go to Birmingham.  I decided to go to Xxxxxxxxx instead to see what there was there.  There was something I did want to get from Birmingham, but it wouldn’t be in stock for another week, so I thought I would leave Xxxxxxxxxx until next weekend.  I just thought that I might be lucky and see a towel in Xxxxxxxxx, as there are one or two shops there that sell all sorts of different things.  But with the football and the Jubilee over, I guess there will be less of these things around.  However I did go to a material/furnishings shop and there was some nice black silk and taffeta material which might be suitable for the choker.  Afterwards I went to a nearby model/toy shop, but they didn’t have the model soldiers.  So the trip was not too successful.

I had an early lunch while I was out, and when I got home, I spent some time on the Internet checking the flags and the other things.  It was soon 1.45 and I was looking forward to talking with my Master.  After a few more minutes, I went upstairs to get ready.  I got undressed and put my collar on.  At 2.00 pm I phoned him.  (I used my phonecard, and for the first time since I have had this particular card, it let me down).  So I phoned him direct.  When he answered, he knew that it had been me trying to phone him earlier.  But before getting into conversation about that, I knew that I should say my oath first.  My Master said he had just woken up.  He said that he had a headache.  I felt sorry for him.

But he asked me how I was.  I said I was alright, and I said that I had received his “secret garden” card and his CD.  I forgot to tell him, but all the stamps on the card envelope except one were unmarked (and even that one was doubtful).  So maybe he can re-use them.  I’ll send them back to him.

After a minute or two my Master said that he could do with me there right now, as his cock was getting hard.  He mentioned me sucking on his toes, and imagining that and his erect cock, my pussy soon started to get wet.  But I remained still in my position.  I said to my Master that I would love to take his headache away.  He said that it would help.  He asked where I was.  I said that I was on the floor.  My Master said that he knew I was on the floor, but asked where.  I said I was in the bedroom.  I am always on the floor by the side of the bed when I phone my Master.

My Master told me to get on the bed, and to spread my legs.  He then said to touch his cunt, and to start masturbating.  My pussy was getting wetter.  My Master asked whether it was ready for a good fucking.  I said yes Master.  He said good, and then he said that he would push it in there really hard for a couple of strokes, and then pull it out, and put it in my mouth.  He said that he would fuck me in the mouth, deep, so I could feel his cock at the back of my throat, and even if I was choking he would continue until he came.  I was imagining this, feeling his cock filling my mouth.  Fucking me unrelentingly.

My Master said that next week, starting from Sunday evening, I would go back to my routine of masturbating at night.  My Master reminded me that I will masturbate to orgasm, whether it takes 10 minutes or 3 hours.  My Master said that he had wanted to give my cunt a rest this last week.

My Master asked if the kneeling helped.  I said yes, it had helped me to focus and control myself.  I said to my Master that I had got wet, but hadn’t touched myself.  He said good, and reminded me that any sex and masturbation are always done for him.  He said that I will only do it when I’m told, because what am I?  I replied, I am your slave, Master.  He then asked what was my purpose.  I replied, to obey you Master.  And he asked what was my function.  I replied, to please and serve you Master. 

He asked had I had any fantasies.  I said not many, but as I had written in my diary, I do have some thoughts occasionally.  I said to my Master that I fantasise about tasting his piss.  He knows that this turns me on.  And I said also being controlled by him, being kept on the floor, licking his feet.  My Master said that I will drink his piss.  When I’m there it will be my source of fluid.  If I am thirsty I will say so to my Master, and he will pee into my mouth.  He said is that clear.  I said yes Master. 

Anything to do with his pee does turn me on.  However, fantasy and reality are different.  But I think I will probably be capable of doing more than I might think.  And especially in front of my Master, I will want to please him so much, and if he tells me to drink his pee, then I will want to show him that I obey him.  But I do want to grow to love and long for and worship my Master’s pee, as much as his cum.  I also get turned on with everything to do with my own pee.  My Master has already said that I must always ask for permission to pee, and when I am with him, I know that he will control where and when I pee and shit.  I would love it if he makes me drink water so that I can please him by peeing whenever he wants, and maybe peeing into a glass from which I will drink, or which will be kept for me to drink later.  The idea of ‘re-cycling’ my pee turns me on.

My Master said that I am going to be his absolute pet, his bitch.  He said that he will get 2 bowls.  One will contain solid food, and the other will contain fluids, and he said that I will eat and drink from them.  My Master said that I will place his food on the table, and then I will suck his cock while he eats.  My Master then said that any leftovers will be placed in my bowl, and I will eat that.  I do want that.  I want to be my Master’s pet, and know that my place is on the floor – either sitting or kneeling at his feet, or being on the floor sucking his cock, and maybe sucking his toes, if he will allow me, and eating and drinking on the floor.

My Master was tired, and he said he wasn’t going to be able to cum. 

We then talked some more.  He told me how he is doing with his new computer.  He said that he is going to be busy next week, and especially on Friday when he will be phoning up the online support people.  My Master said that next week I can wear what I want.  He will have enough to think about with his computer.  We also talked in some detail about the choker.  I said to him that I have a couple of weeks to get some sample materials together.  I mentioned velvet, and my Master said that velvet is nice but it is difficult to keep clean.  He said that a nice soft leather would be OK, and easier to keep clean.  Whatever type of band is used, it can always be replaced if necessary at some stage in the future.  I also asked my Master about the flag.  He said the 7 ½ foot long one will be alright.  The 5‘ x 3’ would have been too small.  I also asked him about the lead soldiers.  I’m having difficulty finding exactly what he wants. 

Before we said bye, I asked if it was alright it I go to visit my parents on the last weekend in August.  My cousin’s daughter is 18.  Then my Master started telling me jokes about cousins, and aunts and uncles.  I love it when he is like this.  And then we talked some more about the British sense of humour, and then started talking about how he thinks that Americans really aren’t very friendly.  I think in the long run I am going to be happier in Canada, than in the USA.

My Master asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day.  I said that I would go to the gym, and then do my food shopping.  He said that I could phone him before I went to bed.  We then said bye.  I had really enjoyed talking with him.  A phone conversation with my Master is always interesting and I never know what to expect.  Actually I didn’t expect him to be in a sexy mood.  But he is unpredictable!  That’s what I love about him.  I went to the gym for the last hour, and then went to Safeway.  While I was there, I was missing my Master.  I used to enjoy going shopping with him.  When I came home, it was nearly 6.00 pm.  I had my evening meal as I was hungry.  I then relaxed for a while.

I knew that I still had to wear my corset tonight.  I put it on at 7.00 pm.  I am surprised how well I have taken to wearing a corset.  If it wasn’t for my Master, I would probably never ever know how it feels to wear a corset.  And for somebody like me, that would have been a shame.  As soon as I put it on, I really like the tightness, the way I feel controlled.  However, there are only so many things you can do wearing a corset.  You can sit, you can kneel, you can stand, doing housework is probably not recommended, nor eating a large meal, or being very energetic!  But whatever, I am so looking forward to wearing my corsets for my Master, and for long periods of time and at all times of the day, because that is going to help me learn that I wear it solely for my Master.  It is quite erotic imagining being dressed maybe for breakfast in a corset, stockings and very high heels, and remaining dressed like that for much of the day.  Or wearing white in the morning, and black in the evening.  

While wearing my corset, I have been writing my diary.  It is now 9.00 pm and time for me to have my 30 minutes in concentration. 

The rest of her pages were lost due to computer crash while being backed up.

However, I started to write a book based upon my fresh memories, images I took and (letters and postcards I received in the mail) soon after this event. And here are essentially what has happened.

On August 6th, I settled with FedEx, after I contacted their VP of Operations in the USA via letter and phone call regarding my damaged sunglasses. They paid for the cost of replacing it which came to just under $500. This news made Cxxxxxx very happy! She wrote and told me on the phone too, that she was very proud of her Master! I told her “I never blamed you, but please do learn from this. You cannot be so naive to expect from people and companies to do the right things. You have to be on top of things!”

In the mean time she was looking forward to be with me, and we continued emailing, talking, and witting letters about our fantasies, needs and her continued improvements in becoming my slave.  She was now more relaxed and accepting both of our needs. In fact, it looked so good that finally she will say YES as she putted with 110% certainty. We started to plan our lives together, and I even mentioned to her that she would be the only slave, there was no need for others.

My Saturn started ran out of the extended warranty, and I started to look for another vehicle with a bit more zip and sportiness I was thinking of a Corvette. But a new one was slightly out of my price range, while I could have financed no problem as I had excellent credit by now, I preferred not too.  I preferred buying for cash. I looked at some used ones in the price range I was thinking of. Not much was available, I didn’t wanted to buy an older model such as C4, for many reasons, the C4s where dogs. Looked OK, but no performance at all.

I mentioned this to Cxxxxxx.  I asked just how certain now that you will be my slave?   She replied “yes” she is now sure!  Are you willing to move to Canada?  Again it was “yes”. Can you prove it that you are serious? She said how?  Here is the deal Cxxxxxx, I want to replace my car, but I want something that we can use in Canada, and you would enjoy driving too, because right now you own a sports car, and you like zip around in one in the UK. Can you send me some money towards our car? She wanted to know how much and what kind of car I was thinking of? I told her a C5 Corvette would be my top choice, but that would put a use up most of your savings and I do not want that. You will need that for your re-location expenses etc in Canada. I have $10K  plus my car as a trade in, that would give me about $11-12K, but for that I (or as in we)  can’t get a new car that we would like. Even a demonstrator from a dealer’s lot which usually discounted about 15% from the new but come with full warranty would be closer to $25K.  She though about  it for a few seconds and replied, “how about I send you 1/4 of my savings that would be  £12 thousand that would give you enough to buy a car for both of us new or a demonstrator.” So we settled on that. Two days later she made a bank transfer for  £12K and with the conversion rates it worked out to be just over $15K US.

My budget now was just over $25K plus the trade in. It took me about a week to find the right car. Settled on a 2001 white Chevrolet Camaro Z28 with the IROC body option and with a T-top option.. It was not new, but had less than 8K miles on it and I could still get full factory warranty with it from the Chevrolet dealer. I traded in my Saturn, and put new Michelin Y rated  SA sport tires on it, as Z28 was capable of 160 mph.  The final cost was $24K. I was left with a few thousand in the bank, which will come in handy when she arrived and for our planned trip to California to stay for a couple of nights and look around Hollywood. On the way back have a nice scenic drive the coastline to San Diego. She liked my choice, especially since it had a T-top. Now I was willing to believe that finally we will have the M/s relation and we were both happy!

What could go wrong? Just one simple thing missing out on her Xxxxxxx application.

At the end of August, Cxxxxxx heard about her Xxxxxxx application. It was bad news. While she had mailed the application in on time, and had paid the fees, the actual application missed the processing deadline by one day. a Therefore, it was rejected, but the processing fee was not refundable. This was devastating news for her and for me as well. She cried for days, as now felt she should had listened to me, and not take her time oscillating back and forth.

Yes, her procrastination, waiting and delaying it, had caused her to miss the deadline. I warned her months before, you have to send it in ASAP, the Laws are changing, do not screw it up!  If you care for me just a bit, apart from the slave thing you have to do it. She was upset at herself, and she knew that I would be even more upset with her, since it was entirely her fault.  I calmed her down somehow. I told her I know you love me and I love you too.  What could we do now? Our options were very limited. She would fly over to Xxxxxxx as planned earlier,

Sunday, September 15

Cxxxxxx landed at 4:15 p.m., on Sunday,  September 15, at the  airport. She was with me for two weeks, to see what would now happen. Can we some how or find a way to solve this. I’ve picked her up at the airport in our Z28, I was glad to see her despite the bad news. She loved the car, but she was very remorseful, and felt bad, and blamed herself rightly. If  only she would have listened to me that is all heard on our drive back to my house. If she would had mailed her application when I told her to do so – they would have been able to go through with their plans. She explained that she meant to send it in on Friday after work, but she got  into a late meeting and by the time she got out, the post office was closed, and she was only able to send it in the following Monday. She thought that it would not be an issue.

I’ve had reiterated to her that she had ample time to fill in the application, and by sitting on it, she jeopardized all that we had worked together for.  She had missed by a day. Besides by mailing it the last minute, she screwed this up royally. Now we are in a real bind. She didn’t want to live in Xxxxxx, I could not marry her to sponsor her on my Green Card, as I didn’t make, enough while I had a house I only had 20% equity, the rest of the 80% owned to the Bank.  Even selling my house and after the fees, it would only leave me with about $12-13K which was just enough to move back to Canada and leaving me with $6K to find a suitable job.  It would have been fine if she would have been in Canada working, but now?

Now everything changed, and jeopardized our relationship. Unfortunately, Cxxxxxx was a natural procrastinator, and she had needed me by her side to get over her huge flaw. I was the exact opposite of mine with the “let’s get the facts and let’s do it versus to ponder over things needlessly” attitude. Which made me seem as an inpatient person by others, accept by the ones who understood my lightning quick ability to calculate the outcome of decisions  and my drive to achieve things.

This was why I was good in my previous jobs especially in construction: coordination, and purchasing, where being timely was a necessity. My personal life was like that too, realizing that opportunities don’t knock twice on my door, and if I do not take action in time, those opportunities will be lost forever. And now, Cxxxxxx had truly made a mess.

Cxxxxxx was afraid that I was going to punish her by letting her go, as I made this very clear to her, if she fails we are done. By now she knew me well enough, but she was hoping that I might change my mind and somehow put this derailed relationship back on track. 

The only viable and real option left, she would have to move in with me, and apply to stay with the US immigration. This would drag out for 18-24 months. There was another option but I did not think she would go for that.  Cxxxxxx had to go to Canada first as a visitor and land a job. With a job offer she would be let in. Once that was done, I would sell the house, pay off the Bank, move back to Xxxxxxx and we would live together. Furthermore, even if we would drive up to Xxxxxxx right now to try to find something for her, I could not, it would cost me my job, I had no more  vacation days to do this, and cannot take time off without pay on such sort notice.

As I pulled into the driveway, remotely opened the garage door, and parked the Z28.  It was now time to make the best of the situation. It was very hard for me to hide my disappointment, regardless how much we had missed each other, neither of us could put our apprehensiveness aside. While both tried to convince ourselves and the other that it would work out, we both knew it deep down this was now doomed. Neither of us  could afford to fly back and forth several times a year, nor could we take enough days off from work. While our daily email contact was a good thing, the phone bills were large for both of us, and the only realistic chance for them being together now was just a wishful, fading dream.

Cxxxxxx brought with her a roll of film she had made for my birthday, and indicated that the Z28 now would be my 49th birthday present for me. She was not sure what would happen to us in the future. She was extremely regretful and sad with tears rolling down on her beautiful face. The smile I loved so much was just not there. She promised, that from now on she would be more compliant with obedience especially when it would affect our future. I mentioned to her, while I appreciated it, it was also now too little and too late. That an opportunity for her to get into Xxxxxxx the easiest way was gone forever, no matter what she said now, does, or I do, there was nothing we could do.

I’ve warned her several times to send in, but her naivety when it had come to working with government forms, along with her worst habit of procrastinating, had ruined it. It was something that could not be undone. The only thing now that they could do was to enjoy our two weeks together, and hope that somehow they could find a way to continue.

Cxxxxxx had to stay home alone, like I was when in England and she was at  work. She would have plenty of time to look on the internet to see what was available in the Txxxxxx area for job opportunities, to pamper herself, relax, work on her diary and to get ready by the time I would come home. Cxxxxxx brought with her the two beautiful and expensive corsets, that hadn’t arrived in time when I was in England in May. She wanted to show me her Master. Hoping that would put both of us into a better mood.

First she put on the creamy white one, wearing only that with white thigh high silk stockings and her black slave collar. She looked amazingly pretty and sexy. I took some photos of her, and commanded her to change into the black one. Cxxxxxx went into the bedroom and in a couple of minutes returned. This time she wore black stilettos, black thigh high silk stockings that complimented perfectly her gorgeous black corset; she looked amazing. Her creamy soft white skin set off by the elegant black corset and stockings on her perfectly shaped body, with her shaved slightly swollen, and dripping vulva, honey blonde hair, sexy red lips, she was not only my dream but every men’s dream, well ones with a pulse any how, no Viagra required! She posed for additional photos and then she got down to her submission position and stated her oath. Her voice was warm, pleasing, and resonated her deep feelings for me and Master.

It wasn’t long before we had a fantastic interlude that was very gratifying! We both all gave to each other the best under the circumstances, yet  it felt different for both of us. It was impossible to forget that our common dream had been shattered, no matter how hard we tried. After, our session I gave her free time to talk.

She just started to cry. The scene was very emotional for her, and for me too. I was in love with her, “her loving Master” even though I didn’t wanted to be. After talking for several hours while I embraced her, and it felt so good for me to hold her, she had calmed down a bit, she undressed, I took off her collar, and we had a nice warm bath, then I  went to bed.

I  received a very sensual massage from Cxxxxxx. After that she begged me to punish her severely for her mistake, she wanted the physical pain to take away her mental anguish. I refused and explained to Cxxxxxx that I do not punish out of anger, nor any amount of physical pain could take away her or my mental torment. Try to relax and enjoy each other’s company as much as we could, under the circumstances. We still had a very slight chance that she could get into Xxxxxxx, once she was back in England. Or just move in with me  in a few weeks after her return and liquidating her assets, car etc. But for now there was nothing else we could do. I ordered her to join me bed, and sleep, I had to go to work on Monday morning. I wrapped my hands around her  and fell asleep like that. 

Monday, September 16

I woke up early on Monday with a huge erection. I’ve turned to see Cxxxxxx, she was asleep on her back with the covers off, it was warm in the house. I rolled above her, lifted her legs above my shoulders and entered her with quickly, that woke her up instantly.

 “Master I love you! Please forgive your slave’s stupidity! I need you, oh Master, please forgive me” she whispered with anxiety in her voice.

“BBC, the problem is that I love you too! I care for you, I want you not just as my slave, but my friend, my companion whom I can trust. But now we are fucked!”

I stopped talking to catch my breath, while driving myself harder and faster, “It is not about forgiveness, my sexy bitch, but about our future” I grabbed both of her nipples with my fingers pulling them outward and squeezed them hard.

“How can we go on BBC? How can we go on? It is pure agony for me to be without you! Not to see you, taste you, feel you! Not to fuck you like I am right now! I put my faith in you, my trust in you! Show me bitch that I should believe in you! Show me bitch, show me!”

I tensed up as exploded deep within her, as she threw her arms around held and pulled me into her body, and started to cry. Her tears flowed down her tender cheeks, sobbing gently and repeating almost incoherently,

“I love you Master, I love you! I want you and need you! Please forgive me, please…”

I stopped moving, remained silent but stayed within her, held her tight too, as if to imprint her memory and to burn the image and feelings into my memory bank, forever. I felt so betrayed, not as much by Cxxxxxx, but by faith, by providence. I knew that it was over.

Cxxxxxx lacked the strength to do what she had to do on her own. I could not help her, even if I had wanted to. I could not get anytime off from work to be with her in Canada to find employment for her, nor could Cxxxxxx take time off from work. She would have to quit and concentrate on finding a job. She would not do it. I let her go and as he slipped out from her silkiness, she immediately darted toward me to cleanse off with her lips, to savour our intermingled juices.

I had to get ready to go to work. I shaved, showered while Cxxxxxx made my favourite tea; she had brought several boxes of Twinings blackcurrant and vanilla tea, and had made me toast. She also made herself coffee, but still was very emotional with the occasional tear slowly making its way down her lovely cheeks. She knew it too, that this was over, she was to weak to do all she had to by herself. She needed her Master to be by her side, to push her emotionally as well as interact with her physically. She felt very empty and helpless without me. If only she could find the strength, she wished, if only!

I called from work several times to check on her. At lunch time I told her I’ve got a good had a surprise for you! I’ve talked to Lxxxxxx, the department’s boss, and I would take Thursday off as non-paid leave. That would give us four days to be together. This made Cxxxxxx feel a bit better. They had always wanted to travel together on a large ship such as the Queen Elizabeth II. Well that would not happen in the immediate future, or more than likely, ever. However, the Queen Mary was harboured in Long Beach, California, as a floating hotel. I made a reservation for three nights, starting on Thursday evening. I would spring this surprise on her when  arrive home, and it might make both of us forget our mutual disappointment for at least a couple of days.

Just  about quarter after five in the afternoon,  I’ve pulled into the driveway and parked the Z28 in the garage. The dual exhaust of the Z28, had a distinctive rumbling sound, nothing harsh and loud as many aftermarket systems had, but just loud enough that it indicated that there was potential power in the engine connected to it

  Cxxxxxx heard me park in the garage, and waited with anticipation close to the main       door, but out of site when I opened the door, in case a neighbour or a passer by would   see her. As I turned the locked deadbolt, she immediately stepped forward, got down on   her knees and bowed forward with her forehead touching the laminate floor, with arms   extended in front of her, in silence. I looked at her naked body wearing only her black   leather collar with the leash attached, which now laid beside her left arm. Her soft white   skin reflected off the laminate wood flooring, she looked marvellous, sexy, inviting to be   used as I saw fit. “Fuck, why did she have to miss the dead line!” I thought to myself!

 “You may speak bitch!” I commanded.

 “Master, this worthless cunt is your slave, her body, her mind, her soul, along with   everything she owns belongs to you, you may do with them as you wish!”  her voice was   full of passion, but resonated with a slight amount of anxiety.

“Get up BBC, let me inspect you!”

Cxxxxxx stood up and spread her feet about two feet apart, then she bent over to show her Master that she was cleanly shaven. Her vulva was  engorged with blood from her excitement, and she was very wet. I slipped a finger in her deep, touched her g-spot and withdrew it. I lifted his finger to take a whisk of her scent, that intermixed with her Amazone perfume and quickly licked the tip for her taste. Then I stepped in front of her to take a better look of her feet, to see about the condition of her nail polish, and then said,

“Your hand BBC”

She extended her hand so he could see the condition of her finger nails. Meanwhile she was still staring at the ground.

“Look at me”

Cxxxxxx immediately raised her head and looked me, her Master in my eyes. She tried to smile, her lipstick was perfect, but a couple of tear drops had slowly started to flow down her cheeks, sparkling like diamonds.

“There is no point Cxxxxxx to cry over this anymore. There is very little that we can do now, apart from making the most of our little time that we have together!” I paused for a second, “give me hug!” As my a few tears formed in my eyes too!

She launched herself at me, embracing me, her nipples instantly became erect as she tried to imprint herself, to melt into my body. Cxxxxxx started to sob deeply now. Tears flowed down like a river of diamonds her face, as she tried to speak through her sobbing.

“I love you Lxxxxx, my dearest Master, what have I done?! So  stupid of me, so stupid of me…” repeating it several times with a fading voice.

I knew she loved me, and had disappointed me by her apathetic action, hurt me, but hurt herself even more. It was just about unbearable for her. I held her close for a long time.  I then picked her up and placed her on the dining room table, unzipped I my pants, and fucked her hard. Cxxxxxx was still sobbing, while matching my rhythm with her hips, wrapped her legs around my back, and pulled me closer into her. For her this was very soothing, and her distress soon melted into joy and ecstasy. I’ve started to bite on her nipples, one by one, it must have hurt her instead of wincing she  moaned loudly.

“Master, bite your slave harder, let her bleed! Please bite harder!” maybe the physical pain that I caused her gave her a few seconds to forget  our  emotional one.

“You may cum anytime my silly bitch!” as I exploded inside of her. It didn’t take long for me to feel her body tensing and feel her waves of ecstasy when she came, her arms embraced and pulled me into her. I kept on thrusting as I was still firm in her velvety and drenched vagina. The smell of perfume, sex, and our sweat filled up the living room area, it was almost like fog, that slowly descended from the heavens. Yes, fucking Cxxxxxx was a heavenly event. Our souls intermingled just as much as did their body fluids. It was  animalistic, primeval, and it was our best fuck since May. We both wished that we could freeze this moment forever, and to stay like this till eternity.  I collapsed on top of her; I was exhausted, as much as she was. We were breathing fast with quick gasps for air, and it took a few minutes to return to reality from our bliss of pleasure.

Cxxxxxx’s nipples were swollen from bite marks; I could see some of my teeth impressions left on her neck too. She had reached for my semi-flaccid penis to cleanse and savour our taste. She wasn’t crying anymore, she smiled, but knowing her like I did,  knew there was a real turmoil just behind that sexy smile. 

“Look at me!” I paused for her to do so, seeing those lovely blue eyes of hers, continued. “BBC, stop blaming yourself! Just stop it!” and paused for a few seconds. “Our destiny is our destiny, whatever happens we have to accept it, there is nothing we can do but to accept the consequences of our actions!  I know that you love me, and I love you too my sweet sexy slave! Life is what we make of it. Even if we stopped this second, later on in our lives we could look back and say proudly we did our best and we had something that very few ever experience, something that was deeper than love and more rewarding! I am here for you as your Master, lover and friend. Find the strength in yourself to go on, do what must be done! I will be with you every step of the way – but you are the one who has to take those steps. I cannot do them for you!”

“Master, as your slave I failed you, it is my fault, I am the one who fucked up our dreams, for which I am so sorry. You cannot comprehend my sorrow, my regret for causing you such disappointment. I am truly a worthless cunt, and I do not deserve your love, your kindness… punish me with your whip, tear my flesh, make me bleed, no amount of physical pain can compensate  for my emotional one!”

“Stop it BBC!” I interrupted her “we will be having a nice time, and deal with things as they happen, when they happen! Your are now here, you’re my slave, now shut up or I will truly punish you! I made some great plans for us for the weekend, in fact, we have four days together, uninterrupted!” he paused and continued “I will tell you over our dinner! So what is for dinner?”

“Master, I made your favourite paprika thing, I cannot remember the name but it sounds like Lego!” she spoke quietly now a bit relaxed.

“Lecsó?”

“Yes, that is it, with rice” she paused and continued now with a happier tone. “Master, yes, you had all the ingredients in the icebox, including some smoked sausages. Please Sir, let me know when you want it served?”

“How about after we clean up? Join me in the shower BBC”

After a quick shower together, which was good for both of us, I put on her collar, and she left for the kitchen to warm up my food, while I checked my email. It was nearly seven and I was actually hungry. I walked out to the dining table nude and sat down,  the house was warm.  The A/C was not on as Cxxxxxx didn’t know how to turn it on. She served me lecsó on a plate with rice, and opened a bottle of my favourite Bavarian beer.  Poured it into a beer glass that had the logo of the brewery on it, ensuring not to have too much froth on it, just a small amount near the top. Then she sat down on the floor beside me and placed her leash into his lap. I knew she had fantasized about this and wanted to do. Like a loving pet by her Master, while I ate my dinner.

“Get under the table bitch! You know what to do!”

Without any hesitation, she reached for my cock and started to lick and suck on it while I ate. Something we both needed.  This routine and many other we talked, emailed back and forth that would be so natural for us being together. Cxxxxxx was now more relaxed. She had to get over her mistake, and when she sucked on me, she quickly drifted off into her little world, where nothing else mattered but her particular activity when she gave pleasure to her Master. At this moment it was a win-win situation. I ate my dinner that she had lovingly prepared. It was quite good, and I praised her while I ate, hoping that would lift her spirits up.

“BBC, you are an expert lecsó maker!  It is very tasty, you’ve done extremely well. I am proud of you!” words that Cxxxxxx loved hearing from me, which made her efforts so worthwhile. It wasn’t the praise, but the acknowledgement that I gave that made her happier. She loved it when I told her “I am proud of you!” Five little words that to her made all the difference.

 “Now for my surprise! You better get out from under table, and sit next to me in the chair and look at me.”

She stopped the licking, kissing and sucking, just before I was ready to explode in her mouth. BBC climbed out and sat in the chair next to me and looked focused her eyes in silence. I looked at her, took her left hand and  held onto it with my right.

“We will be going to Long Beach and to Hollywood, BBC, on Thursday morning and I’ve made a special  hotel reservation, We’ll stay onboard the Queen Mary.”

“The Queen Mary?” Cxxxxxx looked at me with wonderment.

 “Yes, you heard me correctly, BBC, now sit back and let me get you some food!”

 I got up and served a nice portion of lecsó with rice on a new plate for her. And, opened a bottle of Xxxxxxxx white wine from the Xxxxxxxx region,  and poured a glass for her.

“Thank you Master! That was very thoughtful of you, considering all” she paused, looked at my eyes and asked “Why are you so good to me? I failed you Sir?”

“Eat BBC, do not over analyze things, just enjoy what we have now and eat before it gets cold!”

She ate and drank her glass of wine, while I sat next her just looking at her. When done, she looked at me and with a soft tone started to speak,

“Master, thank you for being so kind to your worthless cunt. Thank you for trying to make the best of the bad situation she put you in. All she can say is that she loves you now more than ever before, and will be a good companion while she is here. Please excuse her from the table so she can do the dishes and clean up.” I’ve noticed that she was talking in the third person format, as expected the slaves to do according to M/s etiquette. 

“Go ahead BBC” I replied, stood up and sat down on the couch in front of the TV and turned it on. There was nothing interesting on, so I’ve watched one of my favourite DVDs: The Usual Suspects.

 Cxxxxxx joined me when she was done with the kitchen work. She sat down beside my left leg on the carpet facing him.

 “You can sit beside me sweetie, I want to feel your body next to me, maybe I will rest my head in your lap.”

Cxxxxxx smiled and without a word obliged as she snuggled up to me, a few minutes later I placed my head in her lap. We watched the movie together. I’ve asked BBC later what she tough about dinner activity. BBC told me she imagined this so many times, but why didn’t I made her eat from the bowls on the kitchen floor ? “Today was not the time. I want you feel like my Cxxxxxx, not just my slave BBC. While you are both and I love when you are just my Cxxxxxx as much as you are my slave BBC!” We retire after the movie got my sensual massage and I allowed her to lick and suck on my feet and toes,  she ended in nirvana. 

Tuesday and Wednesday passed by quickly, without much fanfare. We had great sex in the morning, and I went off to work. During the day I called Cxxxxxx several times. She ate the leftovers from the previous evening, prepared dinner, did the laundry, worked on her diary, and rested, made herself look pretty for me when I returned home. This is what  I’ve longed for needed for the rest of my life.  

When at home, Cxxxxxx greeted me, her Master, had a bit of fun, dinner,  and spent more time together. Again I used her to be piss pot, pissing into her wanting mouth and let it run down on her breasts as she rubbed my pee into her skin. Shared a shower or bath, we fucked with intense passion, received her massage and we slept. While she was alone Cxxxxxx had a lot a time to think about just how they could salvage their derailed relationship. Her feeling of distraught was evident in her diary. She now even considered to move somehow to Arizona but understood that I could not sponsor her even if I would marry her.  She liked my house. It was more comfortable than her home was. If only the climate in Arizona would have not been as warm. It was over one hundred Fahrenheit everyday in September it was much warmer in July and August. The air-conditioning kept the house nice and comfortable at seventy six. She thought about flying to Canada to look for a job. I’ve had mentioned to her that I had friends with whom she could stay for free, so that would not cost her anything apart from some food. Well that was her only option apart from coming back to be with me right away.

She wrote in her diary, and I always read her daily input when I got home. She was analyzing  what we talked about especially regarding  England. She knew I would not like England in the long run. It was fine for a visit or even to stay a few months, but what would I do? Even having dual citizenship, as an EU citizen I could stay and even work, but I would still need some paperwork done. I hated the damp weather. Where would I put all of my paintings, books CDs, DVDs and etc. I had so much stuff. Even if I would be willing to part with my nice furniture, and downsize completely, the moving would be incredibly expensive. In reality we truly only had one option, she had to move. She was willing, but why did she wait to send in the application near the deadline? Why couldn’t she have listened to me? In her diary, as usual she was able to communicate her feelings better. Her words shown mental anguish, punishing herself and now she wanted to be pierced and tattooed, would I have this done?

I told her, if we would had done this in February or in May, we would be in a different situation. She would had applied right away for Xxxxxxx, and we would be on that way. Now, if I get the piercing and tattooed done this may just push her over the emotional edge if we split up. I always cared about my Cxxxxxx not just about the slave. Freeing up her desires, making them real was one thing, but it was never about abusing her physically or emotionally. Let’s wait with this when she is living with me for good.

Thursday, September 19

On Thursday morning after our sex and a quick breakfast, we left for Los Angeles. I tanked up the Z28 with premium fuel, plugged in my Valentine radar detector and we zoomed off on I-10 west. I was averaging just over 95 mph, without seeing any cops until their first quick stop at the California State border to take a few snapshots by the “Welcome to California sign.” After that I slowed down slightly to around 80 mph, as usually the California Highway Patrol (CHIP) were lurking near the state border. The Valentine gave ample warning and I immediately slowed to the stated speed limit, but out of radar range I increased my velocity enough that not many cars would pass us going west. Just 17 miles west of Palm Springs we stopped at Cabazon, to see the Dinosaurs, and take additional photos as the walked around to see them up close and personal.

Back on I-10 I picked up the pace again, the speedometer needle was resting at the 100 mph mark. A Porsche 911 flashed his lights on to move over while I was in the passing lane cruising at 100, I moved over to the right just to see how desperately the other driver wanted to pass me, and floored it. When we reached 145 mph, the Porsche just gave up. BBC smiled with satisfaction, as she enjoyed the fast pace of their motoring; she loved speed and driving fast. Another common trait that we mutually enjoyed. A few miles later I slowed down to a slightly slower pace in the range of 95-100, and a few times had to break heavily as his Valentine started to sing as BBC called his radar detector a canary! On the way I’ve asked her if she wanted to drive the Z28. She wanted to, but I asked her did you bring your drivers licence with you from the UK? Sadly, she did not, so much for that then! It wasn’t long before we reached the junction of I-710, where we turned south and now drove within the speed limit, as they were getting close to Long Beach, the location of the Queen Mary. 

The RMS Queen Mary, a 1936 Art Deco ocean liner was once the grandest ocean liner in the world; since December 1967, she had been moored at Long Beach.  In 1971 it was converted into a floating hotel and also operated as an attraction. I thought that it would be a real nice getaway for both of us, to relax and enjoy each other’s company, but mostly to forget the heart aches at least for a few days, Cxxxxxx’s failure to send in the application on time.

I reserved a Deluxe Stateroom, which by any means was not exactly inexpensive, but less than what she had paid for the B&B in London, and it was worth it for the fantastic atmosphere.  Before checking in we walked around and took photos of the B-427 “Scorpion” a diesel-electric attack submarine of the Soviet Navy, that was displayed next to the RMS Queen Mary.

Upon checking in, we proceeded to our cabin. It was indeed a romantic place that recalled the golden days of travel by ship, and it didn’t take long for Carissa to shed her clothes, as we tested out the king size bed. After our quick romp we set out have a quick lunch at the Promenade Café, and to discover the ship. I’ve had also made reservations for dinner at the Sir Winston’s Restaurant, onboard the Queen. We had a lovely and romantic day and more fun and a shower together late in the evening.

Friday, September 20

For Friday, the plans were to discover Los Angeles, and Hollywood on foot. We had breakfast first aboard the Queen Mary and left for our adventure. We took a bus from the Queen to the streetcar (rapid rail) stop that took us to the Metro, as the subway was called.

The streetcar ride was quite interesting as it took them through the slums of L.A. The Metro was very modern and we got off at the Hollywood and Vine station.  We walked around looking at the famous sites, such as the round Capital Records building, the “Stars” on the sidewalk.  Cxxxxxx posed at one bent over holding her ankles exposing herself nicely, as she only had on a short mini skirt, thigh  high black silk stockings and of course no knickers, while I took some photos, a couple of passers by snickered, and one woman commented – “She has a nice arse!”

“Indeed, she had a nice one, and even nicer shaved pussy! Would you like to   pose  too?” I replied. The  female passer by just smiled and kept on going.We continued walking around, window shopping, and going into a few interesting   stores that included Frederick’s of Hollywood, well-known retailer of women’s   sexy lingerie; boudoir accessories. I purchased some very sexy back and red   pump type high heel slippers for her and a butterfly mask, which were put to good   use later on back on the Queen. We had a quick lunch at one of the many smaller   establishments on the Hollywood strip, and continued our exploration and taking   several photos. Around four o’clock they headed toward the subway, where we   took more photos, and took it back to the streetcar, and eventually got on the bus   that took us back to the Queen. 

Once back on the Queen, we explored the ship and continued with some revealing images. Had a quick and light dinner at the Promenade Café, and retired for an extended evening of fun. She being my slave, my butterfly but also my Cxxxxxx Now she had no problems sorting out just which she was, she was one person I enjoyed a variety of roles.

Saturday, September 21

On Saturday morning the fun continued, and after having a quick shower together and a relaxed breakfast, we left the Queen to explore the park across from the Queen, that also house an Aquarium. However, the entrance fee was rather pricey for two, so we skipped it, instead just walked around and then continued to walk along the Long Beach shoreline in the sand for a while all the way to Huntington beech.

Cxxxxxx took off her shoes and walked barefoot dipping her toes into the Pacific Ocean, and posing by the water in her t-shirt and jeans. She looked sexy even in casual clothing. We had lunch at one of the many local restaurants on East Ocean Boulevard. After lunch they slowly made their way back to the Queen, and after a quick and light supper, we returned to our cabin for intensive delightfully stimulating fun, using  handcuffs, silk rope, crop and black leather bullwhip, that lasted late into the night. We did not to call it slave play or day anymore. She was 24/7 my slave Cxxxxxx. BBC, butterfly, the woman who gave me pleasure.

Sunday, September 22

In the morning after a shorter repeat of the previous night, and a nice long shower together, we had a relaxed breakfast onboard the Queen, and checked out. First we headed to the only Xxxxxxxx Delicatessen in California, to Burbank and I bought a few bottles of Tokaji Aszú and other Xxxxxxxx wines from the Tokaj region,  imported Xxxxxxxxx style canned fish soup as well some smoked sausages.

Then I decided to pick the scenic route option, the Pacific Coast Highway all the way to San Diego where we drove east on I-8 until they reached the Bypass Route 85. The drive was very leisurely, I removed the T-top panels, and the Z28 now was almost like a convertible to let the fresh air in off the Pacific Ocean. Cxxxxxxx loved this scenic cruise as much as my company.

Once we reached San Diego and headed west on I-8, I stopped and put the T-tops back on the Z28, and picked up the pace. In one very straight stretch in the desert, I buried the speedometer that stopped at 155 mph, yet car was still accelerating as the  tachometer was climbing all the way to the redline. That was quite exhilarating for both of us, after driving for several minutes at the top speed, I let off a bit and slowed down to a mere 90 mph. It was close to six o’clock in the evening by the time we pulled into my garage.

Our long weekend was very memorable for both of us, although at the time they didn’t know that this would be our last such trip. Our getaway did achieve what I had in mind, to take our minds off of their impending troubles that lay ahead.

After a light dinner with Tokaji Sárga Muskotály, Cxxxxxx was for dessert. And, the entertainment. She had her butterfly mask on, black leather collar, black fishnet thigh-hi stockings, and her black and red slippers. She looked extremely sexy. I’ve told her to get on the dining room table top, and squat down on the bottle neck taking it into her all the way and start moving  up and down, essentially fucking herself with the stationary bottle on the table top. She worked herself into a frenzy soon, and was begging to have an orgasm. I denied her requests, and was told to continue, until I told her to get off the table. Her cunt was dripping wet.

BBC crawled on her hands and knees to the bathroom, she was told to remove her stockings, and mask and to get in the tub. Her labia lips were dripping from her excitement. Now it was time to drink from her Master, as she eagerly opened her mouth for my stream, while she had to masturbate to intensify her desires for a climax. She was kneeling in the tub but she could hardly kneel as her knees were rubbery from her arousal. I finally finished my peeing; she managed to swallow most of it, but some had dribbled down from the side of her mouth to her breasts and from there to the tub. I inserted my stiff cock into her mouth to cleanse it off and commanded her to cum! Cxxxxxx was trembling from the tsunami of her climax. She made gurgling sounds, but could not moan, as her mouth was full with her Master’s cock. I withdrew from her mouth, and she let out a loud moan and tried to catch her breath, as she collapsed into the tub. I let her rest for a minute or two then ordered her to take a shower. When she stepped out, he told her to kneel  in front of the shower while I took one. When I finished, it was time for her to dry me off and for my daily massage in bed. Soon I drifted off.

Monday, September 23

Monday morning I woke up earlier than my normal time, to enjoy the precious moments I could with Cxxxxxx before leaving for work. Cxxxxxx must have been awake already as, she noticed that I was up, turned toward me, kissed me on the lips, and whispered, “Master  please fuck your slave, I beg you Sir, please fuck her, she needs you!” and rolled over into the missionary position spreading her legs wide apart.

With an invitation like that it was hard to resist, besides I wanted to fuck her anyway, and entered deeply. She wrapped her legs around my back, and matched my movements with her hips. BBC was breathing hard and rocking faster and faster.  She started to moan and called out to me first very softly but soon it turned to a feverish volume.

 “Love you Master, love the way you fuck me, love you Master…”

I remained silent, just started to move faster and thrust harder, then as I was ready to cum, I pinched both of her nipples hard, pulling them outward and she felt the sharp tingling pain in them as well as my body tensing up; I erupted deep within her.

 “Master, please may your bitch cum?”

  “Yes BBC, you may!”

Now I could feel her inner muscles contract around me as she climaxed in waves and screaming loud. I knew she was in heaven, and so was I  thanks to her.

“Ohhhhhh, that felt so good! Thank you Sir, for fucking your slave!” stopped to catch her breath “please let me cleanse and taste you sir!” now in a much more subdued voice.

I pulled my dripping shaft and moved closer to her waiting lips. Cxxxxxx lovingly and with much enjoyment tried to pump with her hands any remaining cum, and licked me clean. What a glorious fuck we had!

I now had to shave, shower and get ready for work. She quickly sprang up from bed, and cleaned herself up a bit and ran out to the kitchen, barefoot, naked as usual, to make me tea. I could not eat so early in the morning,  usually had a few cookies later on in the office with tea. By the time he stepped out of the shower, Cxxxxxx was waiting for me with a towel to dry me off. After dressing, and drinking my tea, I hugged her and left for work.

I had to work all week. During the day Cxxxxxx while nude with her collar on, cleaned up, did the laundry, ironed my clothing, worked on her diary, and relaxed in the tub, making herself smooth, supple and sexy for her Master’s enjoyment. I called her several times from work to ensure that she ate and wasn’t too lonely, well that was my excuse, but the real reason was that I loved hearing her very feminine sexy voice with that special Brit accent of hers.  That alone was a real turn on for me since day one.  On Monday afternoon,  I told her to get ready to go out for shopping for food, when I return, she should be dressed although she was willing to go out with me naked with her collar and leash on, but the for sure we would be arrested. 

Around quarter after five the Z28 rumbled down the cul-de-sac to my house was located at, and once Cxxxxxx greeted  me we left. There were several plazas nearby,  and they drove to the one I frequented the most.

Cxxxxxx was amazed at the lower food prices than she was used too every time they went shopping back in the UK. We bought salmon and catfish filet,  lamb chops,  several types of cheese, bread, herbs, spices, vegetables and fresh fruit. Enough food for the rest of the week. As soon we got back, Cxxxxxx got undressed put on her collar and started to make baked salmon with herbs and butter and rice.

When dinner was ready, she set the table for one, as usual. It was up to me her Master to decide if she ate with me at the table, or  after I ate on the table or from her bowl on the kitchen floor. I decided that for tonight she could eat with me, told her set another place for herself. She actually was hoping, to eat after I did then she could suck on me from under the table while I ate.

The dinner was good and I opened another bottle of Hungarian wine, that we had bought together in Burbank. After dinner we both needed a bit of rest. We sat on the couch and watched TV for a while, but soon that turned into a session using the empty bottle and other toys. I took some images of her tied up and with the butterfly clamps attached to her inner lips. Then I got some ice cubes, a large and thick cucumber that he used as a dildo on her, and more images followed. Around ten o’clock our fun ended,although we could loved to go all night! But needed to go to bed, after a quick shower that I shared with Cxxxxxx  Putting her lips to a good use in pissing into them cleansing my penis, we went to bed. I received my very sensual massage from her expert hands and tongue in my anus. As a reward, I allowed her to suckle on my feet and toes. I passed out, but apparently according to BBC, she suckled and licked me for hours until she passed out on the floor. She must have been in a very special place. When I woke up in the morning she was sleeping by the foot of my bed.

Tuesday to Friday, September 24-27

The next days flew by. During the evenings we discussed the possibility of moving together.  The options were Canada in the new year. She didn’t have any vacation until the the Christmas season, and realistically she could only do the Canada trip in the March or later, due to inclement weather there. She looked at the internet for some possible positions in Toronto, they was a two or three available immediately. The other was to go back to England sell everything off right-away and hop on the next plane to come back to me and stay here, until we settled her papers so she could stay her and at the same time go from here to Xxxxxxx and land a job. Then she could immigrate there. She had an University degree experience, and a professional position in the IT field. It would have been quite easy to get in to Xxxxxxx or the USA. While she sounded positive, I had  the feeling that it was just talk, but I didn’t press it any further.

I knew that this to happen was less than one percent. I essentially had given up, no point in beating a dead horse. While I was disappointed, I figured  might as well enjoy all the time we have, while were still together. Maybe the last minutes would give her the courage and the incentive to do either option. I would just preferred her to come back ASAP to me, and let’s do everything together with my guidance. It was suddenly Friday, my short day and Cxxxxxx  came with me to work, just like last time. Her visit was approved by my department head.     

At lunch we went off to a nearby restaurant, and later during his afternoon break, I took some images of Cxxxxxx  in my cubicle as well as outside the premises. Soon our day was over at work and we left for home.

For dinner I decided to make the roasted lamb chops, with some baby potatoes. The dinner was great  while I ate she sucked me until I’ve exploded my cum in her mouth. BBC ate from her bowl on the floor. It was a good session of fun followed that also included another bottle of Tokaji Aszú wine; around midnight we finally went to bed.

Saturday, September 28 

 Saturday, was our last full day together.  Cxxxxxx mentioned that she would like to come back to see me around Christmas. To me this didn’t make much sense, especially as I always spent my Christmas with Xxxxxx my former wife. While to most it may sound a bit odd, but she and I were very good friends. Even after our divorce, she always flew back to be with me from her rich boyfriend.  Cxxxxxx  knew about her, and my former wife knew about Cxxxxxx. She had no problems with Cxxxxxx staying with us. My former wife and I did not slept anymore together.  I had an extra bedroom, and she stayed there. 

I queried Cxxxxxx why now this? Do you want to drag our relationship out until God know when or do you want to be with me? I personally do want to be with you, BBC, but if you come for Christmas come only if you are willing to stay, period. BBC you are most welcome and do not worry about my ex-being here, We are jut good friends, and I have no one here in the USA, I hate being alone at Christmas. But I just can’t deal with you being away from me. I am your Master you have yield for my needs, and not the other way around. Look at the past two weeks. I fulfilled just about all your fantasies, I went out of my way to try to rescue your fuck-up and make you realize your importance. You say you love me, and want to be with me then be with me! No more flying back and forth way to much strain on our relationship, and what happens if you change your mind once again?  I can’t deal with this anymore. This idea was pointless. You can go to back to the UK, quit and go to Canada to find something as a visitor, apply again, you can do that from here by my side. I will help you. If you can not, then our relationship is over. 

I emphasized to Cxxxxxx that she knew very well that such a long distance relationship simply could not be dragged out forever. She looked a bit dazed by my honesty, but BBC knew I spoken from my heart with as much love that I could. Neither were so well off financially that we could fly back and forth on our whim as both had to work, and there were only so many vacation and holiday days. Cxxxxxx knew that I was a man of action, and with a limited amount of patience. She used up all of her Master’s patience, now it had run out. Deep down she accepted her failure and was like a scared rabbit looking at the oncoming headlights. Her brain just froze was not capable of making any declensions due to her depression and self-blame.

I tried to be make the rest of the Saturday as stress less as possible for both of us. We had a lovely session using her own words between a Master and his slave. Had a pleasant shower together, took more images in bondage, and with both of her stunning corsets. I knew it deep down that I would miss her a hell of a lot. But the situation was on the hopeless side. Providence, faith or destiny, no matter how we called her, was a cruel mistress… it had taken me years and several relationships to find the one person who would fulfill all of my desires,  visually, emotionally, sexually, and psychologically. 

While Cxxxxxx was not perfect, she was about as close as I could get, in just about all my desires, wants and needs. She only had one major fault, and that was procrastination. After the morning session, we took all the rolls of film to a photo lab that was open on Saturday and had a very quick turn around time, and would print kinky images without any questions. While they were being developed, we went to the car wash, to get my car sparkling clean. I loved the efficiency of one of the car wash companies and the bang for the dollar.

Cxxxxxx was amazed too, how fast and how many Mexican workers cleaned the cars. We drove around a bit sightseeing and returned to pick up the prints. I’d had ordered two prints, one for her to take back with her.  We were very pleased at the images. Soon it was time for our last supper together, Cxxxxxx was feeling very melancholy (who could blame her?) and was not hungry for food, only for me. BBC knew that our impending breakup was a result of her lack of action, despite feeling down in dumps, we had a nice time and a nice long bath together.

Sunday, September 29 

Her day of departure came by too quickly for both of us. Neither of us wanted let go of or get enough of each other, our physical passion only flared up more as time was shrinking.

We had a late breakfast more like a brunch, and then it was time for BBC to pack. Then it was a drive to the airport and Cxxxxxx had tears flowing down her sexy cheeks all the way to the airport. It was a miserable ride filled with a lot of emotion and of the unknown, although the writing was on the wall that it was over. We tried to reassure each other that it wasn’t, but it was.

I parked the car in the parking lot. We hugged and kissed very passionately, and began to walk to the check-in counter. Cxxxxxx wanted to know once again if she should come back at Christmas. I said it was not a good idea unless she decide to stay with me, until she taken positive steps for getting a job in Xxxxxxx. BBC my sexy slave told me that she would do what she had too. They embraced each other, kissed and she disappeared through the security gates.

I went back to the parking area from which he could see her aircraft taxi and take off. My sexy butterfly flew away. That was the last time I saw BBC.

Cxxxxxx called me when she got back in the U.K., to let me know that she had arrived safely. She confessed that during her flight all she could think about was how her procrastination had affected both of their lives. She would make inquiries about Xxxxxxx in a week or so. She needed time to recover and adjust for the time difference. She would keep in touch  by email.

BBC also sent me a “Thank you” card via mail that she wrote on her flight home, and mailed upon her arrival.

“September 29, 2002

Dear Lxxxxx, my Master,

Thank you for a lovely 2 weeks, even though we had many ups and downs I have learnt a lot about myself, and I think the real answer to your question – do I want to be your slave, is I want to be your slave, is that I want to, more than I don’t want to.

So, I am your slave, even though I don’t always behave as one. I feels sure that we will be together again because I can’t go back, so I have to go forward.

Think of me in England, in the cold and rain, and I’ll be thinking of you as you enjoy the late summer sunshine.

                                                                        With love from your Cxxxxxx

                                                                                        xxxxxxxx”

Cxxxxxx, continued to send occasional emails, updates to her diary (lost as noted before) and phone calls. I’ve replied to her, trying to be supportive in her decision whatever it would be, but deep down I knew it was a lost cause. Just as I explained it to her when we had a heart to heart talk on Saturday the day before her departure.

September 30 to October 21

I still have a few greeting cards from her, that I will just copy word by word. With every phone call from her I was hoping that she would just say “I am on the next plane to you!” but never received such to my sorrow.

“9th October 2002

Dear Lxxxxx,

I hope your letter ‘Y’ arrives OK. It was a pleasure getting it for you—like everything else.

I have been thinking during these few days, but trying to not get too stressed.  I have been trying to think about the things that make me happy, and think about the things that I now don’t have—and miss.

You have always told me that things will work out, and I believe that, and I trust you.

                                                                        with love from your Cxxxxxx (picture of butterfly)

                                                                                                xxxx

                                                                        I still think of you as my Master”

“14th October 2002

Dear Lxxxxx,

It’s nearly 5.30pm, and I’ll be leaving work soon, and I get home, I’ll be phoning you.

There is clearly something very different about you— you make me feel, and you’re right, I do miss your dominating influence in my life, and that’s I still think of you as my Master. I’ve realised that is a nice, comforting feeling. But I still have to overcome the negative feelings—such as my shame or embarrassment. I really wish everything could feel natural for me—like it does for you. I mean, you don’t have any problems with others submitting to you, and I wish I didn’t have any problem in totally submitting to you.

Oh well, things will sort themselves out—like you said they would.

                                                                        with love from your Cxxxxxx (picture of butterfly)

                                                                                                xxxxx”

“16th October 2002

Dear Lxxxxx,

I was going to send you the ₤5 note (for my scrapbook photo album) with this card but I’ll find you a nicer one —hopefully mint condition. I should be able to do that.

I’m about to go home from work now its 5.30 pm — still light but in another week or so it’s soon going to be dark at his time. But I’m sure like shovelling snow, you know all about dark evenings in Xxxxxxx!

I’ll be meeting the Xxxxxxx guy next week, so I’ll let you know how that goes. The more I think about it, it would be a really good opportunity for me, and a chance to make a change in my life. Just keep thinking that way!

                                                            Lots of love from your Cxxxxxx (picture of butterfly)

                                                                                    xxxxx “

“21st October 2002

Dear Lxxxxx,

Thanks for your email this morning at work, As you say SSDD, and another week. But at least I am seeing this Canadian guy at work. That has been arranged for tomorrow after work. He is going to come up to my office. So after that I should have a better idea of what my changes are of getting a job through him. I’ll also ask him for the names of agencies that he recommends.

Here is a ₤5 note for you. It’s in fairly good condition, and some of your stamps. I think one of the teddy bears is re-usable.

I am trying to relax, as you say. And I’m focussing on Xxxxxxx, as that’s the first thing that I need to do. Because if I don’t go for it now, then I probably ever do it, and then I’d regret it—knowing that I had the chance, and didn’t do anything about it. I messed up the first opportunity by not applying earlier, before they changed the rules—so I don’t want to miss this chance.

Your xxxxxx is sat here on my desk. I think he is looking a bit happier than a couple of weeks ago! How are Miss Ewe and Snoopy doing?

I continue writing my diary, and I hope you will continue to enjoy reading it.

By the time you receive this, we’ll have changed the clocks, and winter will be just around the corner, and there will be only 7 hours time difference.

                                                            with Love from your little ewe! (picture of butterfly)

                                                                                    xxxxxxxx”

The last ones from December 2002 to January 2003.

“10th December 2002

Dear Lxxxxx,

Here are your stamps—finally I’ve just read your email to me, and you always make me feel better. Thanks! Because I have been feeling fairly low and empty recently.

I really can’t see myself getting back with my ex-boyfriend. I know I deserve more. He tries kind of to get me by saying that if he isn’t with me, then he won’t be with anyone at all. But I had to rebuild my life when left me, so he will have to do that too.

Christmas soon! Which is OK. It will be nice to see my mum and dad again, but apart from that I’m not too bothered about it!

Mmm… Paris in Spring time?

                                                                                                Love Cxxxxxx (picture of butterfly)

                                                                                                     xxxxx”

24th December

She sent a nice email card with Love!

2003

“12th January 2003

Dear Lxxxxx,

I hope that you are feeling a little better. As you worry about me—I worry about you!

Enjoy the CD!

                                                                                       With love from

                                                                                          Cxxxxxx

                                                                                                  xxxxx”

A few days later after I received her CD in January 2003, she emailed me and wrote that she could not get sufficient time off from work to fly to Toronto to look around and see what she could achieve.  She had even considered  three weeks without pay, but her employer would not let her  go. She could not just quit her job. She was confused and did not know what to do.

I called her on the phone. I thanked Cxxxxxx for the CD, but after that our conversation just went down the hilt at a rapid rate. Neither of was happy the way things were. She being confused all the time swinging back and forth like a metronome.  Essentially I made my views known once again “If you can’t go to Canada, you do not want to hop on a plane and be with me here in Xxxxxxx, just how long you expect to delay this? I can not deal with uncertainties any longer. You,  Cxxxxxx had failed both of us and there was no point in trying to continue our relationship, this is now over unless you be here in person for good within a few weeks!”

Four weeks later, she called me.  I’ve thought that she changed her mind found enough courage to commit 110% and say “I am on the next plane to you!”  However that was not the case. She admitted that she was hurting deeply and can’t deal disappointing me and herself anymore, the call was about something else. I wished her well and that was the last time we spoke twenty years ago.  

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